The "talk" scheduled for Saturday..

[Kramer]

Anyway, it was just about the fact that it hurts like hell that he doesn't contact me now when he knows I'm having a hard time.
Feels like he never loved me at all and couldn't care less. Like it doesn't matter what I'll do, he's lost to me forever.

So get good and mad about it. Stop acting pathetic. My goodness, have you forgotten that you don't catch a man by running after him, tackling, wrapping yourself around his legs......while he's dragging you across the floor, trying to make his escape. (Emotionally, that's what you have been doing.)

This man never M you, right? You said he pursued you for six months? Then the chase ended, and now you've lost his attention and affection. Maybe for him, it's all about the chase. If it is, then he is probably chasing another woman, or considering it. He likes the thrill of a new romance. The chase is challenging, and it is a male characteristic to pursue. Take that away, and he gets bored and unhappy. Doesn't have those initial feelings for her.

For some people, you just can't smother them in a relationship. Calling a million times a day is a bit extreme, wouldn't you say? Leaves little time for anything else.

I know you are hurting, and I'm truly sorry for your pain. I think you need to be prepared for what don't want to hear from him in "the talk". I believe he has tried to let you go gently, and you just aren't getting the message. He has moved on. I think this is what his talk will be about.

This is not your H. Why would you run after a man who isn't interested? Take it as a warning, and be thankful you aren't M to him. He would do this to you again.

Keep your dignity, stay poised, and have the spunk to hold your head high and leave him standing in the whirlwind you make as you turn and leave. You deserve better.

Agree with everything sandi2 has said. Do not let other people control you and demean you. Respect yourself and be strong. You deserve better.

Sandi, if you read this, would you please check out my sitch, including new developments, and give me your perspective as a former WW? I would be most appreciative.

[Tulo]

Hi Kramer,

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

You are right, all I can do is work on myself no matter how much this situation hurts.
We spoke after I have put my dog down as he sent a text and asked if he could call, it felt like a good talk, he was very supportive and said that he wanted us to be friends and stay in touch. I thanked him for his support, and said that I would like that.

This hurts like hell, and I have decided to try to focus on my half marathon coming up next weekend and try to detach from all of this a little bit.

He has said that he might come along when I run, (he said that last weekend) but I haven't asked and won't do that so it's up to him to bring it up now.

I will try to do the NC thing, and hopes that he feels a void.

Thanks again for your reply! You are so right, we'll be better people in the process and that is certainly something!

Hug!

[Tulo]

Thank you so much for your reply!!

I hope that time will make it easier, and as you say, we never know that the future holds. I read somewhere that as long as both parties are still alive, anything can happen, and that is a little bit of comfort.

I will work on the no expectations and do NC and mainly work on myself, and hope that I'll find myself in better spirits as time goes on.

Thanks again! :)It's very much appreciated.

Hug!

[TenBook]

Hi Tulo,

Would you mind sharing with us how you plan on NC?

What things do you have in mind for working on yourself?

[Tulo]

Hey Huddy,

Great to hear from you!

I'm taking your advice, and now the ball is in his corner. He said he would be in touch, so I'll wait until I hear from him, and work on myself in the mean while.

So ready for positivity in my life! Wish that for you too!

Big hug!

[Tulo]

So get good and mad about it. Stop acting pathetic. My goodness, have you forgotten that you don't catch a man by running after him, tackling, wrapping yourself around his legs......while he's dragging you across the floor, trying to make his escape. (Emotionally, that's what you have been doing.)

This man never M you, right? You said he pursued you for six months? Then the chase ended, and now you've lost his attention and affection. Maybe for him, it's all about the chase.

For some people, you just can't smother them in a relationship. Calling a million times a day is a bit extreme, wouldn't you say? Leaves little time for anything else.

I believe he has tried to let you go gently, and you just aren't getting the message. He has moved on. I think this is what his talk will be about.

Keep your dignity, stay poised, and have the spunk to hold your head high and leave him standing in the whirlwind you make as you turn and leave. You deserve better.

Hi Sandi2,

Thank you so much for your reply! I'm very appreciative and thankful for your experience and thoughts!

You are right, we are not married. I have been married before, he hasn't and I'm not sure I'll ever walk down the aisle again, with him or anybody. But never to say never, I might change my mind but we haven't got their yet anyway and now it certainly doesn't seem to be happening.

You are right, he pursued me in the beginning, and I didn't want to get together as he also said that he wasn't interested in a R, but still was curious about me.

He had been in his previous R for 17 years, and said that he felt very much controlled by her and that he never was allowed to do stuff on his own like riding his dirt bike (not sure that's the right word it's like a motorcycle you drive in the woods) with his friend as she always felt that he left her alone with nothing to do and could keep silent for days afterwards if he did it anyway.

So in the end I gave in and met up with him, and we started dating until I said I had enough because I wanted a R and couldn't go on with him if he was sure he didn't want R, to big a risk to get hurt. He said he didn't want to lose me and then we had 2 years where he was very committed, quite protective and worried if he saw comments on my pics on FB from other men and so on.

He was very much apart of the intensive calling going on, and I felt like he wanted it that way and felt good about that.
Nonetheless, here we are and it's over. He doesn't feel the same and don't want a R any more. And he has promised himself after his previous R ended, not to stay in something where he wasn't feeling it, as he felt he'd been persuaded to stay many times over in previous R.

He is quite shy as a person, I did the first move to kiss him for example and he's not at all the womanising kind. I asked him how long it would have taken him to kiss me, he said quite some time. He is however a bit of pushover and always tries to be there for his friends, helping them with their houses and stuff, not leaving much time for himself. I don't believe that he's lied to me, but hell, what do I know.

I've tried to keep my cool with him, used your "rules" as much as I can and not begged or pleaded with him to stay with me.
I was very much upset that he didn't reach out when I went through this with my dog, but he sent a text and called on the same day as I put him down and was very supportive and kind.
He said he wanted us to keep in touch and I said that I had felt a bit unsure of this, and he said that I shouldn't.

My plan now is to GAL, work on my running, and do the NC/180 rules as much as I can. I did however ask how he has been when I spoke to him, and realised afterwards that that was a big no no so I have much room for improvement.

I hope to find as I work on myself, that I can get over this in case he doesn't come back. I 3 weeks he's going to the US for 5 weeks of work. When he was there last summer, he had a pretty hard time of it, contacting me when he woke up, as he had a break from work, well you get the point. All the time, and I felt he needed a lot of support at that time. Now that's gone and all I can hope for is that he realises that it's a loss and maybe get him thinking..

Any advice or 2x4's you have, is very much appreciated Sandi.
I don't think he is out chasing OW, I could be wrong, but I don't think so. If he is, I'll gladly send him on his way with a boot size 8 in the rear end! But I'll have no reason to think that just yet, I truly think he want's to be on his own and not have a R.

Thanks again for posting! I sure need it!
Hug!

[Huddy]

Hi Tulo

If they say they want to be friends, say no. It's not gonna work. My W said that in almost the same breath as giving the BD. That's not what I want, so why accept it?

Glad you're feeling a bit better. Saturday night in Sweden. Time for the pub/bar isn't it?

Have a good evening.

[Pyrite]

hi Tulo, I've missed out on your thread until now and only seen you elsewhere. I've been pre-occupied in my own fun park you might say.

I think a lot of us here are in this same boat, but I know it has been the case for me. BD and the 1st few weeks were the worst time in my life. I was still in shock and desperately trying to make sense of what was happening when I confirmed the A which she vehemently denied (to everyone, and still does, even though photos??). I went under for another few weeks, I got angry. Again I tried to desperately make sense of things in this new light and I came to the conclusion that 1. BD was to end the M and pursue the A. 2.The A started because she was unhappy in the M.

So I had it all figured out BUT I couldn't "accept" it. I still wanted to SAVE my M. This is my first point.

I found these boards, lurked, posted and stayed because I wanted nothing so much as I wanted to save my M. The premise of DB/DR is saving Ms. SO this was the place to be. Reading the stories of posters - they were like me, some scarily like me. And bottom line, they wanted to save their M. It was a huge comfort me to find other people who had been screwed like me by their S and still want to reconcile. Especially because nobody else could see this. You know general advise - forget him/her, move on, blah blah. OK - so you might not have to deal with this in the same way as me BUT my point is this:

HERE that part of us that we are desperate not to let die, that part of us that in the early weeks after BD can not accept what has happened, desperately wants to SAVE the M, wants to turn things around - it feels nurtured. It feels like it is encouraged. It feels like everyone is advising you on how to get your M back - and they are, but you/me/we are hearing what we want to here and at least minimising what we don't want to hear.

Cadet's WELCOME sums all this up. I suggest you review it periodically, as with other useful threads/posts. How you interpret them will change as you walk this path.

People might tell you this is a marathon and not a sprint. I dare say everyone thinks their R was special and they are going to do this much quicker, be the exception to the rule. You might be. But chances are you won’t. MWD warns that this no magic bullet. But still we are so hopeful that we assume it WILL work, it is just a question of when.

This keeps our focus on the outcome. The first thing you have to do accept where you are. Your M/R is over. We cant decide or control or reverse that. Our S’s have dropped that bomb, you have had that talk. This is real. OK so once you can accept that it is real, and that doesn’t mean anything else. nothing. it is no comment on the future or the past it is just where we are now.

So, move forward. To do this +vely for all reasons, yourself, kids, dogs, H you need to be in the best frame of mind. You cant do this while you are (closely, dangerously) emotionally attached to the situation and your H. So the firstling you have to do is DETACH.

I hope that time will make it easier, and as you say, we never know that the future holds. I read somewhere that as long as both parties are still alive, anything can happen, and that is a little bit of comfort.

I will work on the no expectations and do NC and mainly work on myself, and hope that I'll find myself in better spirits as time goes on.

This ^^ suggests that you are not detached at all. You are clinging to a +ve outcome, saving your M/R. This is really hard to explain, it is like the point I made before that the same phrases etc mean different things to you as time goes on. I am hardly an expert here, and I am not saying you should abandon this, I still want to save my M, but I am saying to remove this your reason for DBing (Ironic to write it as DBing).

For example, in the beginning NC is really hard. It feels wrong. My W and I use to chat/text a dozen times per day. then you go NC? You try and force it but you still jump on every opportunity, and justify it, so you can send an email, or text.

Personally I had to force myself to detach. I resisted even doing this for a long time. Effectively I resisted detaching. I said I wanted to. My head knew that I had to. But in my heart I wanted to be attached to her. Even though it was painful, it was all I had left of my W to keep her in my heart. I didn’t want to detach and NOT have her in my heart. I didn’t want to be robotic or unfeeling when it came to her. What would I do if she all of a sudden came back? If I can teach myself just to switch off my love I will feel horrible? Whats the point of life then?

Then a time came when I had just had enough. I was beaten, at rock bottom you might say - although rock bottom seems to occur more than once??

Anyway, force it. When any thought of your H comes into your head, kill it. In the beginning you wont even realise that you are thinking about him, talking to him in your head, until a few minutes have passed. Eventually you will get better at stopping these thoughts sooner and sooner. After a few days you will notice that your mind naturally is trained not to wander here.

This is medicating in a way, but i think this is entirely reasonable. So - to address all those ? ? ? ? up there ^^^^. I found that the most remarkable thing in this detachment was that all of those things I was worried about, turning into robot etc, they were absolutely unfounded. Detaching from the situation actually gave me the clarity to appreciate the M and my W more.

Cadet told me once that “Detaching is like an onion”. in the sense of many layers.

When you have detached to some layer you can let your S back in to your thoughts. You can tolerate it a bit more. You can see things more clearly. And you can kill it more readily when it gets to painful.

It will likely take several months to fully detach. Dont be hard on yourself for being hurt or not being as in control as you were yesterday. Along the way you will be able to let him go, forgive him and even accept that magic bullets dont exist. The real point is what is said from the beginning. Your life has changed. Pick yourself up and make sure you dont lose, re-find if necessary, and present the best Tulo possible. Coincidently, this is also the best chance you have to save your M/R.

Hang in there. It isn't fair. i’m sorry about that. I’m not religious but I remind myself of a quote from a movie (name i forget) - “God has laid this path before US because WE can walk it” (modified).

[Tulo]

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it!

Sorry to hear that you've gone through the stuff you had, and very thankful for your thoughts. I think you are right, we all want to think that this will work, marathon not a sprint and all that but truth is it's over and what will happen, we don't know.
I know I'm having a hard time with the acceptance of it, hoping I'll get there soon though. I know it's over, but hard to feel that it's over.

And as you say Cadet have lots of good stuff in his welcome and I'll go back and read all that again.
Think you are right, when I think about it, that thing about both being alive and all that might very well be a sign that I'm not detached at all, since that forms some sort of hope. Have to keep thinking about that. But does detaching mean to loose hope too? I kind of read it that I ought to detach from him, not necessarily detach from the hope to one day get him back.. I'm Swedish and haven't got English as my first language so maybe I misunderstood it..? As you say switch them off feels so hard, but I understand that I need to block thoughts of him (now they are present like 24/7) to get through this and I am working on it.

Haha, rock bottom is a very regular thing, I would say.. Seem to find myself there more often than I would like.
But I will make myself detach from him, and kill the hurtful thoughts that go through my head when I'm by myself and they run around my head like a headless chicken.
Is there OW involved after all, has everything been a lie, what is he doing, with whom is he doing what, and so on.. Hurts like hell and it has to stop. NOW!

A small comfort is the fact that it's less painful today, than last week and I read all your comments and how you've dealt with things and that makes me feel like there is hope for me too.

I have decided to do loads of different runs during the summer, 10K and half marathons, so I have things to work towards. It makes me happy when I run (more so after than during sometimes though) and I think I need the endorphins pretty BAD at the moment. I'm gonna try and get away on a vacation too, and really work on my GAL as best I can.

Thank you so much for all your great advice and experience, means a lot to me and I sure do need it!

Big hug to you! Going to read your tread so I know more of your stitch too!

[Pyrite]

But does detaching mean to loose hope too? I kind of read it that I ought to detach from him, not necessarily detach from the hope to one day get him back.. I'm Swedish and haven't got English as my first language so maybe I misunderstood it..?

Thats kind of my point really. As I have said to Smothy a number of times. Early on I read something that sticks in my mind as what I should be aiming for. We want to be in a position where we can think of our S, be talking to a friend etc and honestly report

"I am open to reconciliation, I am not waiting".

How this fits in to hope is another issue to resolve. Dont get me wrong, I struggle everyday with this and the M breakdown and all. Sometimes all day. In the first few months absolutely all day. Personally I think that ..... hang on, i'll rip what I said to Smothy

AND Smothy, I sense from all your responses that you are afraid to jump. Afraid to lose hope. I can understand this. I felt this too. BUT let me reassure you that losing hope, gives you hope. Decide that the M is over. It is done. Welcome to the world of tomorrow smile.

When the dust settles, walk out into the sunshine wit your arms open wide, ready to embrace the new world and the new you. Your H will be around. You may be attracted to each other again. You may not. He may like you, but you are not interested. who knows - it is the future remember. You can control you, now, and that is it.

oh - your English is great BTW. Infinitely better than my Swedish