The new normal

[Vanilla]

Thanks Vanilla. I certainly agree with your assessment of abstinence not really being recovery. I was thinking more of say an alcoholic presenting his excessive drinking to his Dr. The Dr would say first up - kill the drinking.

Of course stopping the interaction with the compulsion , in this case porn is the first step to recovery. If low self esteem is the trigger then address it. Your W Pyrite has no power to make you feel 'special' that is your power alone, and you can make you feel special. There is nothing wrong with wanting acceptance and love, validation of our deepest needs.

OK so this is the thing. low self-esteem is there. even if it wasn't

Low self esteem, can I just discuss that please. There really isn't such a thing in its totality. We can have low self confidence in many areas and fail to hold ourselves in regard for those areas. For example I feel very confident in my ability to cook all types of food. Food is part of my world. At the moment my confidence is low in my business. So essentially this is a fluctuating issue for me as I suspect for all of us. We can borrow our confidence and self respect from one area and apply it to another. my body confidence is low because of my extra weight and this may impinge on my ability to have new R. So in all of us we have areas of lowness and areas of highness. I am going to visit your thread and ask you to explore this a little with me. If that is ok?

There is nothing wrong with wanting acceptance and love, validation of our deepest needs.

but when you don't get this and you already have low self-esteem..... train wreck.

Do you mean don't get it in terms of not knowing? I do hope so. Why? Because no one gives this to you to get, it is something you build for yourself with your own thoughts and emotions. Besides who says having low self esteem is a train wreck? It can and should be temporary (like having measles) not permanent (like blindness. I would loe you to think of this as a temporary drought period and a place and time in which you can develop the resources to have a full internal locus of control. I remember this discussion with Jim in November last year and we challenged him to come up with 100 things he liked about himself that day. I think this challenge would be appropriate for you.

So - yes I agree that I have to fix my self-esteem, so that i feel special on my own, but this doesn't change basic requirement ^^ of a relationship.

I do not agree at all with this otherwise those without a primary relationship would not function at all. Self esteem isn't a faulty piece of equipment to 'fix', it is more of a self loving condition which fills you and makes you able to give to others. Giving without expectation and that will enable you to feel like the fundamentals of who you are are fine as they are. You can accept yourself as you are made and then everything else is a plus. A work in progress issue.

Am I getting this wrong here?

Your view is different to mine not 'wrong' but I would submit that it isn't very useful by way of belief to you. If you can change your belief and see the 100 things then the other 5 things are in perspective. Some things are self affirming whilst others need work, and that on balance you see yourself as capable and able to function.

BTW - just for the record I have/had problems with compulsive behaviour but porn isn't really one of them. I can understand it though, and could cross over very easily.

Actually the compulsion does not matter very much, it is the existence of that nature and some are unlucky enough to have a predisposition to compulsive behaviour. That makes life more challenging and ultimately more rewarding.

Apologies for the hijack Zues we can travel to Ps thread to continue. This is challenging because of validation and acceptance, plus I myself don't have this predisposition but I have experience now of others with it. It needs managing.

V