Some great discussion the last couple of pages, if you haven't followed I encourage you to freshen up from page 9-11 before jumping in so we're not making the same points again and again. Really good things being said.
Joe, I shared your view during my M. I didn't use porn daily. My W didn't object to it but expressed that she didn't want to participate herself. I never chose porn over her. I didn't experience any physical performance issues. I spent no money. And I don't think it really impacted the rest of my life. I truly felt it was just a tool to help manage my physical urges during some difficult times throughout my M.
I can still relate to much of that, but I've been open to the idea that I've been wrong on that topic. Sex was a big contributor to the failure of my M, and in particular I pressured my W to have sex when she didn't want to or to experiment with things she wasn't comfortable with. I'm accountable for my actions, but I suspect porn played a role in conditioning me to expect unrealistic behavior in both regards. Furthermore, it wasn't easy for me to stop which is why this is my second go round at abstaining. If it isn't easy to put away than I believe it has a stronger hold than merely a harmless past time. So while I don't doubt some men (or women or couples) can use porn occasionally, there are also many people that can drink socially. I'm not convinced it's evil or always a problem, but it didn't do anything positive for me.
V, I wasn't sure why you said you were "challenging" me with your post. I agree with most of what you said. The only exception is the application of a 12 step program, I already explained why I don't believe that's the best course for porn/overeating type disorders, but I understand many people feel differently on this point. But other than that I think you're right on. Abstinence is not the same as recovery, and the compulsion needs to be addressed. That is why I have been focused on finding healthier ways to meet my own needs. Of late I have not been 'starving' spiritually, emotionally, etc. Because I'm not in such a desperate or painful situation I feel more in control of my choices than I was before. I'm not sure I'm 'cured', but I feel a lot differently than I used to.
Other thouhgts- Maybell mentioned something once as well, that all relationships have some dysfunction, we're all imperfect. While I am continuing to take what I consider positive steps, and am looking forward to the reduction of any lingering side effects of all the porn I viewed, I'll never be perfect. I think that's important to remember. There are many married couples in which one or both parties has some type of compulsive behavior. That doesn't excuse it or make it healthy, and I think we're here to become the best people we can be in our lives. I think reducing those compulsions is a good idea. I just have to remind myself that the goal isn't perfection, it's just to feel in control of the choices I'm making and being in a spot where I can be a good partner.
I don't know where I'll be in six months or a year. I feel as I continue to abstain, find alternative ways to meet my needs, and continue to explore myself and how I work...I feel I'll come to be more confident about who I am, what I am, what I need, and what I don't. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I think I'll be able to play ball from there. Already I've come a long way from where I was during my M and find my life very manageable, and am doing better than I ever have before. I see no reason for this not to continue if I keep making good choices (most of the time).
In other news I'm having a good time this weekend. I miss the kids, but it is nice to have some GAL activities. I'm getting ready to play a pool tournament, I practiced a bit last night and am watching some finals matches from the 2014 US Open to get my mind in the right state for competition. I'm going to have fun fighting today! Then, depending on how late it goes, I've been invited to a friend's house warming party tonight. I might pay a visit. We shall see.
Take care DB members and thanks for sharing the road!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
