TLEE86 Part IV

[TLEE86]

Vapo: Thank you, I am looking forward to the road ahead, and am growing in ways I never thought imaginable. The way I see it, if this didnt happen now, and were still together, I wouldnt have learned the countless things I have since this all started and it has made me a better, and more importantly, humble and less selfish person.

Z: Wow, thank you for that. Someone else told me once that I havent forgiven myself for what happened, and she's right. I know WAW had her faults too, but I havent gotten over what I did, those things that your H did and I regret everyday. At some point I have to look past it and forgive myself, and continue to learn from it.

Throughout the course of our M, I've felt worn down and not good enough. All the things I liked about me upset him, left him dissatisfied and disappointed in the end, my strong points turned as attacks against my character. I wasn't gentle enough. I wasn't considerate enough of his thoughts he wasn't expressing.

This actually bothered me..not a bad way..but she said the exact same things. That all the things she used to do that I told her I loved, started to bother me in the end. That she just constantly felt not good enough and etc et. Ironically, I miss all the things that "bothered me" more than anything now. But not too much use dwelling on it too much now, just keep charging ahead (I say charge, its more like a...low crawl at this point).
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So stealing a page from Mozza.

Work: Still going really well. Ive learned that it must be a trait among leaders in the military because there all dicks when it comes to being compassionate about family stuff because they really don't care about my personal life, more...can you work. But Im still fast-tracking my career, due to take command of an Infantry Company very shortly and alot of my peers are jealous/unhappy because Ive been put ahead of alot of them for these positions, so it makes it..awkward at work but [censored] that, I worked hard to get it so screw you. Idk if I'm going to take it though, but conversation for another day..Not sure if this life is what makes me happy, despite how good I think I may be at it.

GAL: Umm...yea...still not much in this area. I do 1 of 4 things everyday. Work, Workout, play video games, or take the dogs out. But right now, Im ok with it. The biggest thing I miss is really talking to girls. Not to date or anything, but I work with all guys, and have zero human contact with the opposite sex so its just a big sausage fest everyday so its just weird sometimes like girls don't exist.

WAW: This is still all over the place. So bullet point style-

- She posted an emotional 10min video on her blog, just saying how bottom line, she just cant get over the hurt and the pain from everything and now she's on a journey to find herself and prove to herself that she can do things on her own
- Texts me frequently and tells me she's overwhelmed, crying all the time, super emotional, and how she wants to call and talk to me but doesnt know what to say.
- Talks about being lonely all the time and how she has no one to talk to (????)
- Says she cant think about fixing this M right now because she's not over the pain and what not
- Apologized that she is dragging me with her on this journey to find herself (????)

Theres not much to do here...these things really...just thinking about them, have been said for a while. I truly believe she does need to do this on her own, but on her own, is very..."intertwined (thanks C)", with how things are with me. I can only just keep validating her, empathizing etc etc and see what happens. Maybe its just me being dumb, but I can truly see how much she is stressed and overwhelmed with everything and really just cant seem to find solid ground. This is where I want to just step in and tell her steps A-Z to do to fix things but by now I know it wont work.

Oh, MCS, ironically Broken Together came on the radio while she was driving one day and she gets broken up about it now. Guess the big man upstairs has pretty good timing. (This song still gets me every time =/