What do you mean Cadet by "it is quite attractive and a boundary"?
Women look for qualities in a man that they find attractive.
Men look for qualities in a woman that they find attractive. Don't you? What attracted you to your wife in the first place? Was she pretty? Did she spend time with you? Do your laundry? Give you gifts? Etc....
It is a boundary because it is a line in the sand that says no matter what you do I am going to be there for MY children. You then need to walk that walk and prove it! Not just talk but with actions!
I sent her a text this morning. She does not want to speak with me at all. She is so pissed.
I asked her to please not file and to give me time. That I'm working diligently on my issues and realize that I need to allow her to process things in her own way without me pressuring her.
I told her that I realize that every time I stumble I destroy the progress I make with her. This is something she agreed to in conversation last night.
I just asked her to please not file and to continue to give me more time to stop stumbling and continue working toward getting back to the real me.
Now I need to shut up and act.
She made it clear that she has no desire to speak with me unless it concerns scheduling time with the kids.
I'm basically back to square one and it is all my fault. I feel like such an idiot.
Again, I'm not a vet here - only been around about a month.
But the way I see it, you CANT act out of fear that she is going to file or actually proceed with the divorce. These are just legal steps that don't ACTUALLY impact your relationship with her or your relationship with YOURSELF. You CANNOT control what she does, so you HAVE to worry about you can control - yourself.
Sending desperate texts is not going to change her mind. Words are not going to change her mind. ACTIONS are going to change her mind. You set goals just yesterday. Did you reach them?
What do you mean Cadet by "it is quite attractive and a boundary"?
Women look for qualities in a man that they find attractive.
Men look for qualities in a woman that they find attractive. Don't you? What attracted you to your wife in the first place? Was she pretty? Did she spend time with you? Do your laundry? Give you gifts? Etc....
It is a boundary because it is a line in the sand that says no matter what you do I am going to be there for MY children. You then need to walk that walk and prove it! Not just talk but with actions!
But you know what? I'm only thirty two years old. My life may only be 1/3 over. I can't let whatever happens with my W ruin potentially the next SIXTY years of my life. So I accept my responsibility. I will learn from it. And I will apply it to whatever comes at me in the future. This won't KILL me. This won't BEAT me. This will make me a BETTER me.
Of course it's sad. It's sad for me, for my daughters, for my family, for my friends. But it is not the END of any of it.
Ok guys. Chime in. Everyone knows of my setbacks and especially my latest one.
Here is what I have noticed what has worked and what has been detrimental to my progress this last month or so:
What's worked:
The 180s of spending a lot of quality time with my children and being the best father I am capable of being.
Being helpful around my house when I am there without telling my W and having no expectations of praise or recognition.
Not engaging in any other type of talk except for pleasant small talk or discussions surrounding the children.
Leaving my W alone when it comes to pursuit: be it seeking reassurances or questions about her new found social life
What hasn't worked: Begging.
Pursuing.
Seeking reassurance.
Asking any questions about what she is up to.
Snooping.
I think I need to not go dark but go dim for a few weeks and reassess. Continue the 180s that have been working. But let go of control. Don't contact her at all unless it is about children time. If she texts me don't answer right away unless it is an emergency. If she texts me about something other than the childrenand isn't an emergency don't even answer her back. Start going out with friends once a week instead of playing babysitter for her when she wants to go out.
