Firstly abstaining isn't recovery. Abstaining is like flying a plane with the destination set to (say) the Middle of the Atlantic. In order to travel to Japan, the pilot holds the plane on course against his auto controls. That is fine until eventually he tires and the plane reverts to flying to the middle of the Atlantic and certain destruction. Recovery is different to abstaining, recovery is about saying this is tough on my own, I accept that this is bigger than me and that I need help to do so. That is twelve steps. Twelve steps is the antithesis of abstaining.
Secondly, there is confusion between abuse and porn. There can be abuse in the making of porn and I trust there are few who would condone abuse, especially of the vulnerable. So the issue with porn is the sense that there is paying for abuse to continue. Perpetuating the cycle of abuse and damage. I believe that has to be accepted. As far as I am concerned consenting adult stuff is just that consenting and frankly no one else's business.
Thirdly, it is the compulsive nature of the addiction which is damaging, the involvement to the exclusion of other needs. An example may be that many drinkers go to the pub and have three or four pints each night, pack up go home. Sometimes they don't drink but they can stop. Others, the compulsive ones never know if they start drinking tonight if they will binge or not. If the compulsion is dealt with by abstaining then that compulsive nature will emerge in a different compulsion, causing cross addictions. My H claimed to abstain from gambling but became compulsive about golf, cigarettes and is well on his way to alcoholism. He is also a compulsive spender and womaniser. Why? because he did not deal with his compulsion fully, he did so by abstaining. His plane is heading for the mid Atlantic.As his W and now his WAW I was tired of the line in the sand attitude, you have issues deal with them.
Fourthly, porn and desires are different to wants. I have a happily married friend whose H has exotic tastes which they have discussed and indulge from time to time. It works both ways, not her bag but her love enables her to participate. Although I confess her H would much rather have a more active energetic partner than one who compromises out of love. I suppose it depends on the nature of the desire too, and trust me I have plenty too. In my book if my STBX used porn it would only bother me if it became compulsive like his gambling. He lost presence in his life by the compulsion not by that need. For H this was a distraction from his insecurity and need. Abstaining alone wont heal. I went to counselling with him, attended Gamanon for me so I could cope with his gambling and provide for him a healing environment.
Of course stopping the interaction with the compulsion , in this case porn is the first step to recovery. If low self esteem is the trigger then address it. Your W Pyrite has no power to make you feel 'special' that is your power alone, and you can make you feel special. There is nothing wrong with wanting acceptance and love, validation of our deepest needs.
As far as V is concerned porn is the expression of the compulsion not its cause. It is brave of you both to discuss this so openly.
Zues, you and I have had similar discussions in the past. Lets be clear porn can (but not always will) interact with abuse, control and harm and society of itself can punish those whose involve themselves in harming others particularly those vulnerable through age, financial circumstances and family background. Abstaining is hard to maintain without steps to heal and recover.
Peace
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
