I know I'm not supposed to be available for STBX but I also don't want to hold her hostage by withholding contact from her kids. I knew she was really missing D4. So, when she called again this morning, I answered, but only so she could talk with D4.
I said hello and immediately put D4 on the phone. D4 told STBX to call back tonight LOL. Then, I started to say my goodbyes when she said "wait, before you rush me off."
STBX begins to say that she has really been missing me, been thinking about things, and is starting to have second thoughts. She starts to cry. I give her space to talk and cry. I can tell she is waiting for a response from me so I say, "yeah it's really crazy right now with everything going on." She agrees with me.
STBX cries for about 30 seconds to a minute and their is just silence on my end of the phone. She says that our MR wasn't bad all the time and begins to say things like she never thought it would end up like this, etc. I responded by saying that if I had it to do all over again, I would do a lot of things differently. And she said that she would too.
It felt like a good spot to be vulnerable, so I briefly apologized for neglecting our MR, not doing enough to cherish her, not doing enough to work on MR. I said I was sorry that she felt alone and isolated in our MR. I then thanked her for the kids.
I told her to drive safe and get some rest. She tearfully said goodbye.
The whole exchange seemed very similar to the one Kramer just had with his WW. I was thankful that I was able to call upon his sitch and how he handled it to help with mine.
I tried to not pursue STBX but I also wanted to capitalize on the moment to validate her feelings and also show her that I have been thinking about and would be willing to work on my share of the MR problems.
It's also important to note what I didn't hear from STBX: -no remorse for A -no responsibility for her own role in A and MR problems -no outward expression to work on MR
So, not going to make too much out of the conversation other than I need to continue on my present course, as it seems to be having some impact on STBX. But more importantly, my present course has been great for me in beginning to heal and move forward with my life, with or without STBX.
No expectations.
You really don't know if this is crocodile tears or the real thing that could and will be followed up by action.
But it does sound like progress to me.
In my opinion, wayward wives aren't remorseful for their affairs until they fall in love with you again and realize you didn't deserve it. Until then...it's almost a chicken and egg debate. Meaning they think "If my husband hadn't have neglected me, if he'd cherished my and loved me enough, I never would have even thought about cheating". It's messed up but it takes time to unwind this thinking and they don't gain empathy for your position in the chicken/egg unravel until they fall back in love with you again. THEN...you get your apology.
Next time you discuss her being unsure the only thing you need to push for is her delaying the divorce (and delaying the insurance of unnecessary legal fees). It's a practical (non-begging and non-pursuing) reason for you to push her to just hold up on moving forward considering that she is having second thoughts. After that you just indicate that for now let's focus on having a great summer with our kids and see if we feel differently come August. As long as she works with OM...REALLY reconciling (moving back together, counseling, opening up yourself, etc.) kind of has to wait for absolute "no contact". So, in the meantime...delay divorce, push her to move jobs and have a fun summer.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
