I thought everything was okay....(Part 6)

[MCS]

TLEE,

Thanks for checking in, I've been lurking in the background seeing what's been going on with all you folks, but as I said; not posting.

So, its been going really, really good, from a pure MCS perspective. WW is still a mess, confiding in D4 stuff that gets me angry because she's run out of others to give her sympathy. Then she follows it up asking how soon I can pay her her settlement from the D, even though there is nothing even filed, nor can it be until August. But these things no longer seem to have much affect on me.

Over the last month, I've felt like I'm made some huge growth personally, the funny thing is that its different than the direction that I've been holding onto for the last 9 months. Its a combination of everything I've learned on the board, but also getting me to accept the one that I resisted the most GAL.....I've looked back and saw that my last piece of 'control' of the outcome of the sitch was my own patience in waiting. I had put my life on hold in order to ensure that if she wanted to change her mind, I'd be ready to accommodate it.

So, I've went out and GAL, I've had fun, I've made new connections, etc. and I've seen that the person that's been inside me has started to re-emerge. When I've looked at myself throughout the sitch, I've tried to identify my faults in the R and I've seen them; but they were nothing that justified what WW did. I was complacent in filling LL, I let life overwhelm my connection in the M, but I was also at a point of comfort in my life. And this is where things went wrong....she wasn't. She chose not to share, because she 'knew' I would try to fix it and she didn't want me to. My change.......I can't fix this for her, nor do I want to at this point. I would love to help her through her issues as a mom; but I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her with my heart.

I wish this was a black and white decision, but it's been much more of a process. For me, it was finally allowing myself to give up putting my life on hold that opened my eyes that everything is okay in my life.

For me personally, what I've learned is that I need to consciously continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't change anything, but in my life I always was super-conservative, strategic, prepared and whatever other words for someone that over-analyzes everything in order to try and control the outcome. Well given my sitch, I see that while everything needs to be balanced; the sitch has pushed me to not allow myself to fall back in being 'comfortable' about everything, as that's when complacency begins to creep in.

In summary, I believe that I need to move on with my life. WW seems like she's going to put an Agreement in place and then probably right afterwards serve me. That's her decision, she's getting motivated by the money it seems; but its obvious that after almost a year there is no desire to work on the M (actually really 2 years since the A started). The motivations for her leaving, not talking, cheating, avoiding, etc. all don't matter to me because they are her decisions and I will work within what I can to honor her decisions. In saying that, MCS is looking out for MCS and S6/D4. That is my family right now and we are having a splendid time sharing whatever moments we can.

If I had read this post probably two or three months ago, I would have said there's no possible way it would have came from me. I was going to 'wait' it out. But waiting it out was slowly keeping me locked into trying to solve the sitch. I can't do that anymore and I'm at a place that I think I'm okay with that.