You all have the right words for me. And I believe it is the only way to go from now on.
RD, I feel I would like to move on for real, I really don't know what is this. Even my family says that they don't know what is going on with me since I was never this way. I am a very easy detachable person. There was no one in my life that could grab my attention as much as H does now.
I spoke with my mom yesterday and told her what is going on in my life right now. She was happy that I am finally giving some value to myself and thinking about what I want and need for my future. My mom said that it was getting her worried to see that I was down and so much about H left me, poor me.
The thing with my family and friends is that I was always a very, very tough and strong person. My core is made of Iron, I always did what I want to, always moved forward and with a lot of life on me. I am a doer, I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself, ever.
For awhile my friends and family saw a destroyed person, one empty and without much hope. So everyone is worried and asking me when I will just kick H in the rear and tell him to get a life away from me because he does not deserve me.
And yes, that person is coming back. I did not dress nice just because H. I have been feeling good about my appearance, and believe me, it is important for me that I look in the mirror and like what I see.
I also have very mixed up feelings regarding H right now. I don't know anymore if I really want him back or not. There is something changing inside of me and I am feeling that life may be better without someone that cheated on me.
I have been thinking about what H says that he felt I did not love him for a long time and I can see that maybe it is true. I start remembering what are the things that could be better in my M and I can see many, many things that maybe me so unhappy beside H. The first and main one is that I always tough he is a very selfish person, and that is something that did not change, he is still doing all the same s**t.
Maybe it is all part of detaching. I am letting go, but it is still something there. If I would think percentage, I would say I am 50/50 right now.
Regarding today, I do not need to be home. As a matter of fact, I have some work to do. We have been extremely busy and I have a pile of paperwork to go through. You know I work with orthotics and prosthetics, we are getting a lot of new patients, including a lot of veterans without limbs. Then you can image a lot of doctors clinicals to read and look for the right info we need.
The positive in all this is that once I complete my classes, I will see my own patients and that will be a better income along the lines. It's exciting, and I believe it will be some financial independence for me. I can't and do not want to relay in my alimony and child support, it is too risky and I can have serious problems.
V, this is what I am trying to do from now on. Not just for H but even for however sees me. I want to just be, but for me would be more light the ocean. I can't be something static, my personality is sweet and crazy at the same time, and the truth is that I like it this way. I am very dynamic. I am learning to just be, maturing into a real woman, transitioning from the young lady to a stable woman. Well, to a point because I will always love to be a girl and do all the girl stuff. Love it about us girls, we have all this amazing stuff about nails, hair, makeup, dresses, shoes, purses, and so on and on. Love it.
T, you know I ordered my T-Shirt that Jim is designing for the fan club "I agree with Toots". And I do, my H seems to be far away from me and very decided about the D. I know that he still loves me, but I don't know how much, and I don't know if his love is enough for any reconciliation. I even don't know if my love for him would be enough for a R.
So I need to let him fly, he needs to go and live his life and I need to be free of fear, sadness and whatever bad stuff, and fly too. Now, I want to try and see what is out there (like in Ireland, just kidding). But really, who am I now? Who can love me next? How would I feel hugging and kissing someone else?
I am changing... I still don't know if it is good or bad, but I am transforming. I am getting Happy again. And the amazing thing is that I don't feel so much fear and do not have so much weight over my shoulders anymore. I don't even miss my H as much anymore. It's a crazy journey, and I am feeling good to step on my next chapter.
Love you all, without you, I would never be where I am now emotionally, you have been helping me a lot. I went to hell and you rescued me (kind of poltergeist). I am happier because of your advices and all the caring words, I am a better person because you took the time to let me know how much you care. I feel that life will be better because I know that somewhere in the world there is people like you.
I love you guys, I wish one day life can find the way to let us meet so we can hug each other and say Thank You face to face.
