1) Beating on yourself when you have judged yourself for making a mistake will not do anything for you.
2) My DB coach warned me about the PA when my STBX swore up and down there was no affair. I knew better. I prepared myself. I was not in denial. I read after the affair. I did it all. When I heard the news, I was devastated. The point is, your "logical" mind and your "emotional" mind are one in the same.
3) Understand that your anxiety is a part of you. Denying it, repressing it, see point #2. I learned that we need to change our relationship with our anxiety not deny it.
Ten. I am sorry to hear that you had to be exposed to that. There are some dynamics about my W that lead me to believe that there really is no A.
My wife is a child sexual abuse survivor. Intimacy and sex are just not something she is comfortable with.
Going all the way back to when we were 21 yrs old and first starting dating. Madly in love. and through the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage when we were happy: sex was always an issue for her.
I've seen her have panic attacks during sex. I've seen her go through spells where we would have no intimacy for weeks on end.
I've heard her tell me time and time again that she doesn't even like sex.
The dynamic I'm dealing with is not exactly "typical".
Honestly, I would eat my left arm if there was anything beyond a friendship with this guy.
I, and many other family members and friends close to the situation who have known my W for 15 years and are familiar with both her childhood trauma and how it has impacted her behaviors within the context of our entire marriage (not just the part I'm responsible for which is the depression) believe that she doesn't want to be with anyone. She just wants to be in her bubble world with only her and our two children.
And that is basically what she said to me tonight: "I don't want him. I don't want to be with anyone". She projects it to me claiming that it is because I messed her up. Now I am fully accountable for my role the last few years and that is what I am working on. Anyone who follows my sitch knows that I am self aware of my role and not blame shifting.
But, my W displays, and has always displayed from the time we started dating 15 years ago, the typical behaviors associated with adults who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Trust me: there is nothing physical going on. I have lived with this woman for a decade and a half and am very familiar with the emotional and psychological effects that occur in adult relationships for survivors.
I don't believe her when she says she doesn't want to be with anyone because I'm being naive. I believe her because my wife is a childhood sex abuse survivor and sex and intimacy are not the same as they are for those of us fortunate enough to not have experienced such a horrible trauma.
I hope that all makes sense. And I will be quite frank and forthright: Anyone who may attempt to tell me I'm being naive I will politely disagree in advance. Unless you have had a long term romantic relationship with a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, you cannot fully grasp just how uncomfortable and undesirable sex is for them.
So basically, I'm going to s^&tcan these thoughts I'm having because they are illogical based on what I know to be fact about my W.
When she says she doesn't want to be with anyone and probably won't want to be ever again.....she means it. Those exact words are what woke me up tonight to drop this whole friend thing.
I'm destroying my progress by focusing on something that isn't even happening.
I'm also realizing that her trauma is tied in directly to why she feels such a strong hate toward me currently. Just as the person who had abused her as a child betrayed her trust. I, through my depression and distance and through the brief EA I had (after 2 plus years of no sex: see above for explanation on that)also betrayed her trust.
For someone who struggles tremendously with issues of trust, be it emotionally or physically, it is going to be a major uphill battle for me to get her to trust me again.
She puts up walls to protect herself under the very best of circumstances. Always has. Well these are the worst of circumstances.
Again, I'm not blameshifting. But, I thought it might be time to disclose that information about my W because I do believe it to be pertinent to not only how we got to this point but also to how to I successfully DB.
And that is basically what she said to me tonight: "I don't want him. I don't want to be with anyone". She projects it to me claiming that it is because I messed her up. Now I am fully accountable for my role the last few years and that is what I am working on. Anyone who follows my sitch knows that I am self aware of my role and not blame shifting.
Hello BEClem,
You are defintely not in a "typical" situation. Sure, all of our situations are unique in some way, but with the abuse your W dealt with when she was young, it makes things even tougher. I know you are not one to "blame shift."
I understand the projecting. My IC is convinced that my W, who left 6 months ago to live with her Mom (who physically and verbally abused her and her sisters when they were little--how ironic) is projecting her MS and related health issues on to me. Blaming the "caretaker" so to speak. I, too, have owned up to my part in our troubles--both to her and on this forum. And to this day, my W hasn't admitted to any wrong-doing on her part. I am the big bad wolf because I was "smothering" her. Looking back, I was too concerned about her driving, etc., but it truly was out of concern for her safety. But her perception is her reality.
I hope it helps you to hear my story so that you know you are not alone. My W also says she doesn't want to be with anyone.
Please hang in there and stand tall. We will help you thru this!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thank you Bob. It is comforting to hear from others with "unique" and untypical dynamics in their situation.
You and I are def dealing with the same thing: Being blamed for everything with our W's not yet possessing the ability to see their own roles.
You and I are also both acknowledging our roles and using that self awareness to make the changes that we need to make. And neither of us is demonizing our W's.
You're W's MS and my W's childhood trauma are certainly unique situations. Maybe there are others out there who have similar types of circumstances.
