Mirror Mirror on the wall....

[AJM]

So its not really guilt nor shame but some bitterness arises when she claims I never 'provided', or makes a comment about me not doing enough ... I am not expecting a "thank you" but its hard to hear the "I went out and drank and was lazy" implications .... and these only rise up when she goes Monster mode knowing it pushes my buttons.

A wise man once said, .."rip those buttons out by the cables and remove them. One at a time." That was a different context, but seems appropriate here.

Put that bitterness to rest.

Did you do what you thought was right by her and by your family? It seems like it. Is it something you feel you should not be "blamed" for? Sure. And I agree, but it's something to work through.

You first. She'll follow if she's able. (see the pattern?)

Was there more to the reason you worked like that? The miscarriages, the son being born, her rejecting you for 'medical' reasons?

Seems to me that there might be some anger there that needs to be dealt with. I know I would have been angry at giving my best in the way I thought was right, and then my W cheating, having an affair etc. As if none of that mattered. As if my acts of service were meaningless.

What seems to be missing is the understanding and reconciliation of those feelings with how she feels/felt about it. It's an issue that comes up over and over again. One that you are sensitive to, and one that she seems to know you are sensitive to.

Her MLC and craziness etc? That's what brings it up over and over again certainly. Or maybe her attitude. Or whatever.

But what stands out to me is that you are still sensitive to it. That you have not put it to rest for you.

No matter what the two of you decide, YOU need to put it to rest. It's historical at this point. But it's a lingering land mine that YOU keep tripping on.

It's not that I don't get it, Cali. I do. I'm a man who cares about his family too. I'm articulate (have you noticed?) as well. And I have feelings. Dreams. Beliefs. And things I do whether others like them or not - knowing that they may not be popular today but still need to get done. I also know I have motivations that are not always what I proclaim, even to myself at first. I think if I was in your situation, part of me would want to do those things as a) an act of service to show I love my family and b) as a way to release my anger and the tension while my W figured herself out and we could resume our relationship. That's how I would have framed it earlier in my life.

I'm wondering if some of that applies here? Could just be me of course.

But I've learned, Cali. I've learned not to leave a rake laying down where I can later step on it and hit myself in the nose. It hurts when I do that and serves no purpose other than odd comedic or entertainment.

Let me be clear. This is separate from what she is going through, doing or saying. This is completely about you and you dealing with this so you can put it away on the historical shelf where it belongs. That's part of the old Cali. It's what the old Cali did, right, wrong, indifferent. But it's historical, not present. And it doesn't seem to be finalized yet, for YOU.

She'll come up with something else. I know in my case my ex came up with things that were nothing about me. i.e. she was forced to make things up at the time. Things she doesn't even remember now. But the things that were even close to accurate? Those stung until I took those buttons and pulled them out by the roots.

AJ

P.S. J3B was the "grizzled old wise guy" that mentioned that the first I'd heard of it. It was appropriate for the situation and it has application here.