Hi Joe, dropping by to see what's going on. It seems as if this has gone on forever, doesn't it?
I'm sure you must be extremely concerned in how your WW could influence your preteen D, if she took her to CA without your protection. Have you checked with lawyer to see how WW's job could cause her to lose custody of the kids?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Joe, dropping by to see what's going on. It seems as if this has gone on forever, doesn't it?
I'm sure you must be extremely concerned in how your WW could influence your preteen D, if she took her to CA without your protection. Have you checked with lawyer to see how WW's job could cause her to lose custody of the kids?
Thank You for dropping by Sandi!!
Yes it does seem like a long time! We are over a year now since the changes really started showing in WW. The more I detach from the whole thing emotionally, the more signs I see that I was blind to a long time ago. Who really knows how long she has been carrying on with this kind of lifestyle. She was home alot alone.
I am absolutely going to bring that up to the attorney. I would hope that a judge might question a child being around that type of employment. Especially if he heard some of the things I have heard.
I am just trying to play it cool right now so I don't stir the pot before attorney gets involved. She is trying to figure out how to get to town to get her a new truck so she can haul some of her furniture down. I am not sure why she wants kids down there anyway. She never does anything with them. She just lives in her room. I wouldn't be surprised if her contact with them becomes less and less after she moves. I think she is running to someone else. They can have her as far as I am concerned! Good luck to who ever it is!!
I am working on taking care of myself and my kids. God will help me through this!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am absolutely going to bring that up to the attorney. I would hope that a judge might question a child being around that type of employment. Especially if he heard some of the things I have heard.
I am just trying to play it cool right now so I don't stir the pot before attorney gets involved. She is trying to figure out how to get to town to get her a new truck so she can haul some of her furniture down. I am not sure why she wants kids down there anyway. She never does anything with them. She just lives in her room. I wouldn't be surprised if her contact with them becomes less and less after she moves. I think she is running to someone else. They can have her as far as I am concerned! Good luck to who ever it is!!
How do you feel about letting W go now that you have some 20/20 hindsight? What are your thoughts?
Good luck with the attorney tomorrow joe! I hope it brings u some relief to the anxiety.
Thanks Rip! To be honest I am not feeling that much anxiety right now. These past 12 months have given me plenty. I am really calm and at peace right now. I am not sure why. I think if it wasn't for this forum and all of you, I would be feeling resentment toward WW while I am filing. I am not happy about what she has done. I know I have caused alot of problems in our marriage, but she chose this path. I am doing all of this for ME. I am choosing that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I don't trust and that has betrayed me.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am absolutely going to bring that up to the attorney. I would hope that a judge might question a child being around that type of employment. Especially if he heard some of the things I have heard.
I am just trying to play it cool right now so I don't stir the pot before attorney gets involved. She is trying to figure out how to get to town to get her a new truck so she can haul some of her furniture down. I am not sure why she wants kids down there anyway. She never does anything with them. She just lives in her room. I wouldn't be surprised if her contact with them becomes less and less after she moves. I think she is running to someone else. They can have her as far as I am concerned! Good luck to who ever it is!!
How do you feel about letting W go now that you have some 20/20 hindsight? What are your thoughts?
Thank you Wonka for checking in. I have been doing alot of thinking the past week. Please excuse me if this gets long. I am feeling at peace right now. As far as hindsight, I should have been paying more attention a long time ago. There were alot of signs that I should have been watching my back and taking more control of the finances. This was one thing WW brought up was me being controlling. The one thing I will admit to being controlling was paying bills. WW was terrible with bills. Really good at lying to me about them. I had a gut feeling and I should have followed it. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to trust her.
I have always had trouble with trust. Probably why it was so easy for me to live alone on those ranches with just my dogs. God put this person in my life for a reason. I have 3 wonderful step kids and 2 wonderful children because of it. I will always be grateful for that. Maybe he wanted me to change the way I was. And this is the way for me to do it. Just like when I started AA, I had to take a good hard look at myself and what I have done. I had to make amends. I am still looking at my part in the demise of my marriage. I have told my W I am sorry for the things I did( I had a list that I read to her). I asked for forgiveness. Now I am going to work to better myself, so that someday someone else will want to be with me and I will know better how to treat that person.
There are going to be several things that will be a challenge. The kids being home while I work. I am about 3 minutes away. D12 will get paid to watch S7. He has a program that I will take him to in the mornings through summer. I will come and check on them every couple hours and of course come home for lunch. I will find fun things to do in the evening and on weekends so we spend alot of time together until they go to their mom's. So far the plan is for them to go there July and 2 weeks of August and than home before school starts. Money will be tight, but I will manage. Luckily I have a great boss so if I need to be home with a sick kid or whatever, it is not a problem. I have been doing everything with the kids through all this anyway.
I have not told WW I am filing. I am debating on when to say anything. I did do something that felt really good tonight. Something that I normally would have got involved in and told her my opinion and tried to fix it when it got screwed up. WW went and bought a new truck yesterday. Probably not the best type of vehicle if she plans to be driving alot with these kids. Higher miles, big tires and not very good gas mileage. Well today she sold her old car to someone. Of course I am still wondering how she got this deal done without getting the title notarized. Well right after she sold the car and the new owner drove away. Her new truck would not start. Obviously she was not happy. I said nothing. I did look at a few things, but as soon as she said make sure you don't mess with this or that, I handed her back the keys and walked away. I have always fixed her vehicles in the past. It was kinda habit to look at it. Not my problem now. Only if my kids are in it. I did not even feel guilty about not helping.
Some things that occurred to me today that WW I'm sure has not thought of. She will be off our health ins once I file. We are on a coop thing so it is real reasonable. She will be in charge of her own. Kids are on the state health care plan. If they have to go to the doctor while in her care, she will have to pay.
Up until a couple years ago, I really thought I could trust W. There are a few things that are huge with me. Trust is one. Not lying to me is the other. I know no one is perfect. Little white lies every now and than are one thing. Lying to my face about major things over and over are a REAL problem.
I have been looking at the other reasons why I am filing besides the biggest one, MY KIDS. This job of hers. I want to be with someone that respects my feelings about something like that. Not someone that says, just deal with it, I am not quitting. To me what she is doing is infidelity.
I want to be with someone that WANTS to be with me.
All the lies she has told, who knows what else she has done. If I don't file and she leaves and has some relationship or multiple ones, she would be committing adultery because we are still married. I also don't want to be with someone who is still my W and has been with someone else. The thought of being married to me and than sleeping with someone else just makes me want to puke! She admitted to doing things when her and her first husband first separated( found this out just last summer).
I have my faults and have things to fix about myself and relationships, but I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a relationship with trust and honor and respect both ways.
There is probably more on my brain right now, but I am tired and going to bed. Wonka, if you have any thoughts I would love to hear(read) them. I do know if it wasn't for this forum and learning to detach, I would have still been a mess and would not have handled her wanting to leave well.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here about your decision to pursue D. We all know you have not taken it lightly and were deliberate with it before proceeding with a D.
Yeah, I think your W is stuck and refuses to take your feelings/thoughts into account about her employment choices. Sometimes you've just got to draw the line and say, "this ain't working for me any longer..."
Sure, you want to be with a woman who has a healthy sense of self and wants to be with you. She's out there somewhere.
I am telling you that there are MANY happy remarriages....contrary to the same ol stats that are trotted out to emphasizes that second and third marriages don't last. Hogwash! I've seen many remarriages last to the end...and quite happily.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here about your decision to pursue D. We all know you have not taken it lightly and were deliberate with it before proceeding with a D.
Yeah, I think your W is stuck and refuses to take your feelings/thoughts into account about her employment choices. Sometimes you've just got to draw the line and say, "this ain't working for me any longer..."
Sure, you want to be with a woman who has a healthy sense of self and wants to be with you. She's out there somewhere.
I am telling you that there are MANY happy remarriages....contrary to the same ol stats that are trotted out to emphasizes that second and third marriages don't last. Hogwash! I've seen many remarriages last to the end...and quite happily.
Thank You Wonka!
The hardest part through this will be my time away from my kids. But I will have to deal with it. I tuck my kids in every night and we say our prayers together. My D always tries to sneak downstairs and scare me!
I asked WW last night where this house is she is planning on renting. She said she has to go look at it before signing a lease. So her plan was to take S7 with her with no where to live yet. I told her it is a better idea if she goes out and gets herself set up and than comes to get them the end of June.
I just hope I get a good attorney that doesn't just take my money and do a crappy job. I have had those before. I have had a heck of a time even talking to anyone. Finally this guy called me back and explained things to me more on the phone. And he said we can meet today for free to discuss the case. The others just said to pay the retainer and they will meet after that and they will deal with it all. I did not feel very comfortable with that. So we will see how it goes.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Well lawyer said that everything looks to be in my favor. He said that my plan sounded like a good idea. I told him i would file for legal separation first. That way it might be easier on the kids. It will head to divorce more than likely. He said that with my good work history, home environment, not trying to keep the kids from mom, them growing up here, school is here and I have a house and I am not a phone sex operator, things look good to keep the kids here with me. He said typically when dealing with visitation this far away, he would set it up for about 5 weeks during the summer and probably Christmas break. If she wanted to come up here to see them that would be fine.
I can start the paperwork right away. That way when she gets back, there would be a temporary visitation order in place so she can take them from the end of June till the first week in August. His rates are reasonable. So I think I am set. He suggested that I notify her what I am doing once she gets out to CA. I wanted to think on the way home. And I think this will be for the best. Especially for protecting my kids and my rights.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
He suggested that I notify her what I am doing once she gets out to CA.
That comment rings bells...because it seems dishonest and disingenuous to me. I worry that after W gets to CA then you will have a harder time with the plan. I dunno. Will need to defer to your L on that one.
