Over the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about how we meet our needs. We all have some human needs. We can meet them in a variety of ways, healthy or unhealthy.
When we meet our needs in unhealthy ways it gets mixed up. On the one hand, we recognize the behavior is unhealthy and destructive. On the other, there is something compelling about it because it is giving us something we need. I mentioned porn went well beyond physical needs (be it release or endorphins), and met emotional needs such as feeling understood and validated. Finally, you have some of the addictive properties you described like needing to escape, or trying to distract from spiritual voids. Like someone eating when we’re actually thirsty, we can try things that don’t even meet those needs but can offer something that helps us medicate instead. So it’s easy to say “porn is bad, stop using it” as a stand-alone position. While that’s fair, it doesn’t address the rest of the issue. That is that there are some real needs that are very valid. Quitting is the first step because you can’t really start healing with the ‘drug’ still in your system, but it’s equally important to find some healthy ways to meet those needs instead. Otherwise it won’t last. That’s what I learned from my first failed attempt.
There are similarities and differences with other addictions like alcohol or narcotics. I agree spirituality plays a large role, letting go of control, having faith, focusing on something beyond yourself. Yet the program that I’ve been following doesn’t recommend a 12 step approach to porn. The reason is that with drugs/alcohol/gambling- those are activities that are almost entirely unnatural and destructive. There is no good that comes out of cocaine for example. But with sexual disorders, eating disorders, etc, it is more difficult because you can’t simply “quit”. If you’re an overeater you can’t just swear off food. And if you use porn you can’t just classify our sexuality as bad. Instead, we have to learn what parts of our sexuality is natural, healthy, and positive, and what is destructive.
So the program I’m in is all about learning to start sorting out the difference. If the needs are healthy and natural, then validate them, and accept them. If they are unnatural and destructive, let them go, but figure out what base needs those behaviors would be meeting, and substitute different activities that might be better instead. Zypher mentioned working out, that is a great example as it is physical activity that changes your state of mind. So if the ‘craving’ was coming from a physical urge this would be a great response. If the craving was coming from a need to be understood, maybe posting on this forum would help. If the need was to feel accepted, then maybe talking to a friend that is supportive would help. And so on. My IC is a big believer in this, as is my DB coach. My IC was very in favor of this approach vs. just focusing on abstinence. My DB coach was the one that had me try to identify my more base needs in a list, then write a second list with alternative activities that could meet those needs.
I feel better this time around. The same way that when we GAL and learn to take care of ourselves it makes detachment easier, porn has had much less hold on me than it did the first go-round when I just abstained. As you can tell I’ve been giving a lot of thought to whether my thoughts and desires are natural or not, because although I’m still adjusting I am also trying to be aware of what’s going on in my head and my heart.
Cadet- thank you for the link and the quote. Very powerful. I think this all ties together, because during my M I was TOO dependent on my W and our SL to meet too many of my needs. It put way too much pressure on my W, and left me feeling empty and depressed. I really think I was very emotionally disconnected and was using sex to meet pretty much all of my needs. Quitting porn was a big step, but even bigger than that has been that I’ve been slowing down, living with my emotions, learning what they are telling me, and finding reasonable ways to take care of them. I feel more “normal” now than I ever have before, and I’m excited because for the first time in my life I feel like I might be able to grow into a healthy specimen.
PS- Start a new thread, I know…it’s coming. Just wanted to wrap this conversation up. We have room for a couple of comments then I’ll kick something off with a fresh slate. Thanks all!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
