Sad. Keep fighting the good fight. I pray everyday not only for myself but for all of us on this board.
My biggest problem is that I am my own worst enemy. Bond told me, and he is right, that until I start helping mysel that no one else can help me.
I just had a huge setback tonight that was self inflicted. My W has rekindled a friendship with a childhood friend. I've been so paranoid that something is going on.
I got off from work early tonight and went to stop by my house to see the kids. His car was there.
So I called W, against my better judgement. She was livid. She said yes. He is here. How many times do I have to tell you that he is my friend. Nothing more. There is no PA. There is no EA.
Then something she said really hit home with me and made me take the hardest look I have taken at myself through this while process. She said "I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be with anybody. And I probably won't want to be with anyone ever again because if all the s&$t you put me through."
The it hit me. I am my own worst enemy. I asked her "I keep shorting myself in the foot with you don't I? Every time I take a step forward I take a step back". She said "yup".
I told her I was trying and didn't want to make any more mistakes. So she told me "than stop making mistakes. Just do it".
This really opened my eyes. It is long past time for me to get myself under control. There is no OM. I have hurt my wife so much that she doesn't want to be with anyone.
And if I'm really listening to what she told me tonight her message was clear: Stop making mistakes. Stop making excuses. Stop talking and do.
I fully expect everyone to chime in and kick my butt for my setback tonight. I deserve it. I am very angry with myself right now.
