mlc rut

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Pbetra,

Sorry you are here but as you know, this is the best place to be for a lousy reason.

I also apologize for the length of this post.

I read your thread. A few questions I have are what are your ages? And are you able to financially support yourself without your h's income?

Sounds as if his support has been so erratic, I have to ask you, what's the worst that could realistically happen if he leaves? And, or, if he stays and spends all the money?

My h's ordeal cost us quite the fortune.

Also, I could not help but notice that despite your growth this past year, 90% of your focus remains on HIS mood and HIS behaviors.

How about not looking at those at all, for a day? And then make it a week? You can always "Check in" to see what he's up to after you do a LOT MORE GAL and you must;

We hammer the GAL here for one reason; it works. You are NOT detached from him and you can't really detach, imo, without GAL.

GAL is not about our WAS but ironically, it tends to be the single thing they most notice and that most intrigues them. In some small ways you have already noticed this yet your h remains in his semi Walk Away or "cake and eat it too" (or MLC) mode.

Btw, I don't think labeling it "MLC" is all that helpful b/c in some cases it means the LBSer sticks around with the misguided notion that MLCers always return to the marriages. But They usually do not return.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. We had 3 kids and then, that included a baby.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Later served on the Bd of Directors & it was a great network connection for me.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Met fun creative people nearby.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to drive a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long winters).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

You must meet NEW people who don't know your situation and who thusly help reduce the obsessing about your h.

I know you hurt less now and that's great But the obsessing is still pretty full on and you'll make yourself crazy.

The early posts of yours indicated that you realized you only control YOU.

So that is where your focus must be. Next time you begin to notice HIS behavior or mood or wonder if he is in "replay/revision of marital history" or MLC or whatver

get a mirror out and work on you.

Good luck!