Seems to me that you're still defensive when it comes to your previous work habits. Something we should know about that? Anything we can do to help you put that away for good? The shame/guilt?
Oh I am no doubt defensive over this. Story is I had a job, for the most part was happy .. underpaid sure .. but happy. I was groomed to take over the business ... over the past 5 years things changed and more family members got involved and the writing was on the wall .. I would always be needed but not take over as I was being groomed to do. Then the market took the hit ... W lost her job and was out for about a year, I stayed, steady income better than no income, I also took on more nights DJ'ing to help cover the costs .... we ended up losing the house. I never once blamed her, was the market, out of everyone's hands. Her depression started, S was about 2, she did not really look for work much, finally she landed a job but hated it and immediately was looking again ... I felt I had to keep working, be the stable one, The hours were grueling. 65+ hours a week not counting commutes of 1.5 hours a day. I did this because I felt it still gave her the lifestyle she wanted ... but it strained our M, her depression continued and eventually got worse.
So its not really guilt nor shame but some bitterness arises when she claims I never 'provided', or makes a comment about me not doing enough ... I am not expecting a "thank you" but its hard to hear the "I went out and drank and was lazy" implications .... and these only rise up when she goes Monster mode knowing it pushes my buttons.
Originally Posted By: AJM
As for the fight. You fell into that trap. Job and Ur are spot on, amigo. I was violently shaking my head in agreement with Job when she said it as a point in time. And with Ur when she mentioned how she's trying to reconcile her life.
Remember how you mentioned she has a lot to work through just like you do? This is part of that, if you ask me.
Learn to let things like this roll off your back. Notice that it's able to affect you as well. You're not a cold frigid monk like you came across.
Cut yourself some slack and regain your perspective, Cali. One fight doesn't end the relationship. In fact, it can be helpful in rebuilding it. Why? Because to build trust you have to test it at certain points.
It's not that you fought, it's how you fought and how you work past it. She has her issues to deal with and you yours and together you have some.
And the crack about the kids etc? Definitely something that is a here and now feeling. i.e. working through those feelings and she would have, I guarantee it because I've been there, had those with or without you in the picture. It's hers, but she has to bring it up and figure out how she feels about it. You happened to be there for the backdrop as much as anything.
I haven't heard how you feel about the 2.5 kids? You've made brief mention of it before, but how about now, Cali? Ever thought about having more kids or are you done with that?
Bounce back and let us know if we can help with the too much working hang up. I have a few ideas on that if you do.
AJ
As far as the kids .. 2.5. We miscarried in 2006, had S in 2007 (emergency C section), he is an amazing kid, never acts out, just a good solid kid .. I would say that even if he was not mine. Having more kids, yeah I always thought we would have at least 2, maybe 3 ... I do not care for the fact S will not have a sibling, I have never mentioned this as W had 'medical' issues and told me she never wanted to go through a pregnancy again with the 2 bad experiences. I realized sharing what I wish .. would only hurt her .. sure I wished things would have been easier and we had 2-3, but it was not in the cards for us. I have even thought about adoption but my fear ... W would be blatant about the favoritism, I believe I am a good father and have enough love for one that is not 'mine'. This point in the game .. not sure I would want to warm bottles and burp at 2 in the morning, I would .. but I am content with what God has given me .. I really am.
