Listen, Cali. I have a lot of renos to do at my house. I spend a lot of time at Home Depot, but I have had a hard time paying for everything. So look, don't judge, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.
So bit of a backslide lastnight/this morning. W calls we chat a bit and she asks me "Are you happy" I answer honestly ... the honest answer is there are parts of my life I am happy about .. .parts where I am not completely happy. So this starts with her sharing how she wanted more, wanted to work less (This one is new) wanted more children, the house 2.5 kids dog ... that type of thing. Somewhere along the line it was all my fault. We went at it for a bit and then I realized .... she sent me a picture of her cousin who just had a child, looks like this opened the MLC Pandora box. We talked/fought about issues and I am still worked up to a point ... THIS is not what I want, its like the old M where its nothing but her telling me what a failure I am, how I am not this not providing that ... do I want a lifetime of critism ... no thanks. Maybe I was just trying to save the M just to save the M, I dunno. Call it a bad day, things seemed good till all the sudden she realized she hates her job, wants to be a stay at home mom and is currently pulling the "What can Cali do for me" card. I told her I want a R where I am loved regardless of what is in my bank account, treated like a normal person with respect but she is in this strange Monster mode .. its not all anger and spew .. there is a condescending type tone, like I am to blame for her situation for not being the mother of 3 kids, for the job she took on and hates.
Just venting here as I am just so ... ugh
I did backslide and brought up the A and OM ... the anger was there and she kept on attacking like she has been the model wife. I think I am more upset for allowing my buttons to be pressed and the fact I reacted. At this point I feel like I am happier alone, without the drama she constantly brings.
Guess we will see what happens after the dust settles
Cali, It's okay. Sometimes we have to answer them honestly and that's what you did. She asked you if you were happy and you stated exactly how you felt.
As for her changing the way she's feeling right now...that's what it is for now...she's venting because that is how she feels today. Tomorrow, she may come up w/something else to be unhappy about..but it's not your circus, therefore it's not your parade to worry about. She's going to find something to complain about even if a teeny ant crosses her path when she's searching for that illusive happiness.
So you had a backslide...that's okay. It's one step forward, two steps back. She now knows exactly how you feel and she's going to need some time to digest this information. Give her plenty of time and space to choke on because she truly needs it.
The dust will settle and you'll have plenty of time to interact w/her again. Don't beat yourself up over this...it's something that had to be said and now you need to get back up on that horse called detachment and continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She called while driving into work ... I was able to get back to 'center' call it detached or whatever .. its the place where I am not as emotionally vested.
She is not happy with her job, since she was laid off back in 2009 she has not been happy, in fact she has been miserable .. so miserable at work, MLC, miserable at home .... its not been a great time for the past 6 years.
With all the rewriting history she blames me for a good chunk, according to her I was out drinking all the time ... the truth is I had 2 jobs, the second one was DJing, I was out .. but it was not like she makes it sound .. it was just a job, the pay was nice and something I thought she wanted. I have since then ... the past 2 years cut down from 3 nights a week to just one, I actually get paid that one night the same as what I used to get paid for 2. We talked about this ... seems its hard to get them to see things for how they really were when they have built up this whole other reality in their heads.
I was more calm during the talk which calmed her a bit ... she was testing me here and there, threatening the old MLC stuff ... I validated to a point but also expressed as much as I would like to make the M work, I know I would be ok either way, this seemed to change her tone a bit.
Ended the call .. not that things are all better but she did TM me "I'm sorry I'm so horrible. I hate my unstable life and what I am doing to you both (S and I I suspect). She mentioned early this morning that she "wasn't a bad person but I am now" blaming me for that.
Looking at this as detached as I can, there seems to be a wrestling match going on, its PMS time so thats not a shocker, but the struggle with guilt, misplaced blame ... she is the youngest so she never really has accepted responsibility. Pair that with her not having all that she wanted/thinks she deserved according to her .. its really weighing on her. "Time is ticking" has been used alot as of late.
I hope to try to stay centered and get through the weekend, even suggested that I was ok with taking a break, she did not seem to want this but neither of us wants to fight over the weekend either .... guess I will play things by ear and see where it ends up.
I'm sorry, sweetie. This happens during all of this. She is trying to reconcile what she needs to and that includes where she is at in life and what she wants it to look like moving forward.
They have to go back through all the phases and shut the door on them for good. Its not a picnic for them or for the spouse.
Seems like she is going back a bit into anger and blame.
Give her some space to work through it.
And remember, you are human. Sometimes we just have to be honest regardless of what it may bring.
Seems to me that you're still defensive when it comes to your previous work habits. Something we should know about that? Anything we can do to help you put that away for good? The shame/guilt?
As for the fight. You fell into that trap. Job and Ur are spot on, amigo. I was violently shaking my head in agreement with Job when she said it as a point in time. And with Ur when she mentioned how she's trying to reconcile her life.
Remember how you mentioned she has a lot to work through just like you do? This is part of that, if you ask me.
Learn to let things like this roll off your back. Notice that it's able to affect you as well. You're not a cold frigid monk like you came across.
Cut yourself some slack and regain your perspective, Cali. One fight doesn't end the relationship. In fact, it can be helpful in rebuilding it. Why? Because to build trust you have to test it at certain points.
It's not that you fought, it's how you fought and how you work past it. She has her issues to deal with and you yours and together you have some.
And the crack about the kids etc? Definitely something that is a here and now feeling. i.e. working through those feelings and she would have, I guarantee it because I've been there, had those with or without you in the picture. It's hers, but she has to bring it up and figure out how she feels about it. You happened to be there for the backdrop as much as anything.
I haven't heard how you feel about the 2.5 kids? You've made brief mention of it before, but how about now, Cali? Ever thought about having more kids or are you done with that?
Bounce back and let us know if we can help with the too much working hang up. I have a few ideas on that if you do.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I'm sorry, sweetie. This happens during all of this. She is trying to reconcile what she needs to and that includes where she is at in life and what she wants it to look like moving forward.
They have to go back through all the phases and shut the door on them for good. Its not a picnic for them or for the spouse.
Seems like she is going back a bit into anger and blame.
Give her some space to work through it.
And remember, you are human. Sometimes we just have to be honest regardless of what it may bring.
Ya know I think you are right uR ... because that anger was soooo ... whats the word ... Deja vu-ish. I said my peace, and unlike times long past I only took on what I was sorry about, but did not own the blame that I had nothing to do with, nor did I allow myself to just get beat up on for it.
Funny how I can find peace much quicker now, that exchange would have had me spinning for a day or so ... was more like an hour.
Ironically she TM during lunch: W: I just need to quit C: I'm sorry you are not happy there W:Its also a midlife crisis. Can you see that? C *Choking on my thoughts not replying to that one W: I don't want to ruin S but I also can't keep up with this job demand anymore.
I left it at that .... I think a couple things triggered this. W has always been a person who covets what others have, bases her happiness on comparisons ...worries about what others think. Me ... could not be more opposite in that regard, alot of things we are like that and for the longest time it was a balance. So the cousin having the baby, her hating her job .. S is in a private school where there are a number of wealthy stay at home moms dropping kids off, socializing, meeting up for coffee and yoga while the kids are in school ... nothing wrong with that .. W chose career but I know she wants that life too ... I make decent money but not enough to warrant that lifestyle.
I think she is trying to figure out "what now" and is frustrated with her starting point.
Seems to me that you're still defensive when it comes to your previous work habits. Something we should know about that? Anything we can do to help you put that away for good? The shame/guilt?
Oh I am no doubt defensive over this. Story is I had a job, for the most part was happy .. underpaid sure .. but happy. I was groomed to take over the business ... over the past 5 years things changed and more family members got involved and the writing was on the wall .. I would always be needed but not take over as I was being groomed to do. Then the market took the hit ... W lost her job and was out for about a year, I stayed, steady income better than no income, I also took on more nights DJ'ing to help cover the costs .... we ended up losing the house. I never once blamed her, was the market, out of everyone's hands. Her depression started, S was about 2, she did not really look for work much, finally she landed a job but hated it and immediately was looking again ... I felt I had to keep working, be the stable one, The hours were grueling. 65+ hours a week not counting commutes of 1.5 hours a day. I did this because I felt it still gave her the lifestyle she wanted ... but it strained our M, her depression continued and eventually got worse.
So its not really guilt nor shame but some bitterness arises when she claims I never 'provided', or makes a comment about me not doing enough ... I am not expecting a "thank you" but its hard to hear the "I went out and drank and was lazy" implications .... and these only rise up when she goes Monster mode knowing it pushes my buttons.
Originally Posted By: AJM
As for the fight. You fell into that trap. Job and Ur are spot on, amigo. I was violently shaking my head in agreement with Job when she said it as a point in time. And with Ur when she mentioned how she's trying to reconcile her life.
Remember how you mentioned she has a lot to work through just like you do? This is part of that, if you ask me.
Learn to let things like this roll off your back. Notice that it's able to affect you as well. You're not a cold frigid monk like you came across.
Cut yourself some slack and regain your perspective, Cali. One fight doesn't end the relationship. In fact, it can be helpful in rebuilding it. Why? Because to build trust you have to test it at certain points.
It's not that you fought, it's how you fought and how you work past it. She has her issues to deal with and you yours and together you have some.
And the crack about the kids etc? Definitely something that is a here and now feeling. i.e. working through those feelings and she would have, I guarantee it because I've been there, had those with or without you in the picture. It's hers, but she has to bring it up and figure out how she feels about it. You happened to be there for the backdrop as much as anything.
I haven't heard how you feel about the 2.5 kids? You've made brief mention of it before, but how about now, Cali? Ever thought about having more kids or are you done with that?
Bounce back and let us know if we can help with the too much working hang up. I have a few ideas on that if you do.
AJ
As far as the kids .. 2.5. We miscarried in 2006, had S in 2007 (emergency C section), he is an amazing kid, never acts out, just a good solid kid .. I would say that even if he was not mine. Having more kids, yeah I always thought we would have at least 2, maybe 3 ... I do not care for the fact S will not have a sibling, I have never mentioned this as W had 'medical' issues and told me she never wanted to go through a pregnancy again with the 2 bad experiences. I realized sharing what I wish .. would only hurt her .. sure I wished things would have been easier and we had 2-3, but it was not in the cards for us. I have even thought about adoption but my fear ... W would be blatant about the favoritism, I believe I am a good father and have enough love for one that is not 'mine'. This point in the game .. not sure I would want to warm bottles and burp at 2 in the morning, I would .. but I am content with what God has given me .. I really am.
So its not really guilt nor shame but some bitterness arises when she claims I never 'provided', or makes a comment about me not doing enough ... I am not expecting a "thank you" but its hard to hear the "I went out and drank and was lazy" implications .... and these only rise up when she goes Monster mode knowing it pushes my buttons.
A wise man once said, .."rip those buttons out by the cables and remove them. One at a time." That was a different context, but seems appropriate here.
Put that bitterness to rest.
Did you do what you thought was right by her and by your family? It seems like it. Is it something you feel you should not be "blamed" for? Sure. And I agree, but it's something to work through.
You first. She'll follow if she's able. (see the pattern?)
Was there more to the reason you worked like that? The miscarriages, the son being born, her rejecting you for 'medical' reasons?
Seems to me that there might be some anger there that needs to be dealt with. I know I would have been angry at giving my best in the way I thought was right, and then my W cheating, having an affair etc. As if none of that mattered. As if my acts of service were meaningless.
What seems to be missing is the understanding and reconciliation of those feelings with how she feels/felt about it. It's an issue that comes up over and over again. One that you are sensitive to, and one that she seems to know you are sensitive to.
Her MLC and craziness etc? That's what brings it up over and over again certainly. Or maybe her attitude. Or whatever.
But what stands out to me is that you are still sensitive to it. That you have not put it to rest for you.
No matter what the two of you decide, YOU need to put it to rest. It's historical at this point. But it's a lingering land mine that YOU keep tripping on.
It's not that I don't get it, Cali. I do. I'm a man who cares about his family too. I'm articulate (have you noticed?) as well. And I have feelings. Dreams. Beliefs. And things I do whether others like them or not - knowing that they may not be popular today but still need to get done. I also know I have motivations that are not always what I proclaim, even to myself at first. I think if I was in your situation, part of me would want to do those things as a) an act of service to show I love my family and b) as a way to release my anger and the tension while my W figured herself out and we could resume our relationship. That's how I would have framed it earlier in my life.
I'm wondering if some of that applies here? Could just be me of course.
But I've learned, Cali. I've learned not to leave a rake laying down where I can later step on it and hit myself in the nose. It hurts when I do that and serves no purpose other than odd comedic or entertainment.
Let me be clear. This is separate from what she is going through, doing or saying. This is completely about you and you dealing with this so you can put it away on the historical shelf where it belongs. That's part of the old Cali. It's what the old Cali did, right, wrong, indifferent. But it's historical, not present. And it doesn't seem to be finalized yet, for YOU.
She'll come up with something else. I know in my case my ex came up with things that were nothing about me. i.e. she was forced to make things up at the time. Things she doesn't even remember now. But the things that were even close to accurate? Those stung until I took those buttons and pulled them out by the roots.
AJ
P.S. J3B was the "grizzled old wise guy" that mentioned that the first I'd heard of it. It was appropriate for the situation and it has application here.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have nothing to add compared to Job, UR and AJM. They are so wise with this stuff. I just want to agree, don't look at these discussions/fights with your W as a step back. I think it's part of the process and "working" through the fallout. And I have a feeling there is a whole lot more to come.
I guess what I am saying is to go through these times with the thought process of figuring out and working your way to deciding what you want for YOU. NO decision is needed from you, R or no R. Just work through this stuff until you know. It seems you have some pressure on yourself to know that answer now. Take that pressure off
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
