The Beat Goes On

[uRworthy]

I know its hard to see him, M. But the truth is, you have children together, so, its inevitable. The sooner you can detach the better for you. And sweetie, you arent detached. You are further along, but, you still have a ways to go.

Detaching to me means when I will no longer allow someone's words or actions to affect mine.

You are still in his head..trying to understand how he could do this. It just isnt going to happen because there is no logical explanation.

But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it.

You see that up there ^^^? You want something from him that he is/was incapable of and you keep expecting to understand why. It just is. Was it right? Hel! no!! But it's what happened.

Then you wrote this:

The rational part of me understands what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it.
I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.

You say that you understand there is no rationality to it, but then ask how he can continue to go through the motions. He is broken, confused, in crisis. Not to give an excuse, just an explanation.

You keep hoping for something different and as long as you do, you will continue to hurt.

I want you to understand that I am not picking on you. Not at all. I care a great deal about you. I was you for a very long time. Couldnt believe it, couldnt get my mind around it. It kept me stuck. Until the day when I just accepted that it doesnt matter why he did it. It just didnt. It happened the way it did for whatever reasons it did and there was nothing I can do to change it. So, I made the decision to let it go. I just said to myself, no amount of me not understanding it was going to change what happened. No amount of me thinking about it or playing it over and over in my head was going to either.

But what that would do was make me crazy. What it would do was keep me in that place.

Listen, Mighty, you are doing great, really. I just know how you feel and I want you not to feel that way for one minute longer than you need to.

I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.

About that ^^^. You are holding onto who he was. You are holding onto trying to understand what he did. You are holding onto the feelings of betrayal and abandonment.

I remember for me, holding onto all of that was my comfort zone of sorts. As long as I could keep wondering, I didnt have to move forward.

He did what he did. It succks that he did it. You cant understand it and thats ok, M. It really is.

But the way to peace is letting the feelings wash over you. It is saying...what happened is not a reflection of me, but of him. He has chosen what he has, now I get to choose me.

If you allow yourself to let go of the bad feelings when you can, you will feel lighter. Put them in a balloon and let them fly away, Mighty.

You are amazing. Be that. You are strong. Be that, too.

What you had with him was real, M. It was. Cherish those memories. Honor them. And love him enough to let him go..and more importantly, love yourself enough, too.