Make Love in the Middle of a Warzone

[Pyrite]

thanks for the reply - i hope we have that law re:valuation in place here. if true it will work in my favour. i.e. Agents quotes are always excessive compared to say bank valuation. And generally what the house "might" sell for. Depending on the economic sitch, the banks are usually conservative. So I can always pull the law out on her. Ironic that I want to pay the W the reduced cut where as thats exactly what you dont want.

I really want to do this. There are still some hiccups to work out but I would love to be the sole owner of our family house while W runs off into the sunset with Mr. Ukraine to the other side of town from all our friends and family.

[NDY]

thanks for the reply - i hope we have that law re:valuation in place here. if true it will work in my favour. i.e. Agents quotes are always excessive compared to say bank valuation. And generally what the house "might" sell for. Depending on the economic sitch, the banks are usually conservative. So I can always pull the law out on her. Ironic that I want to pay the W the reduced cut where as thats exactly what you dont want.

I really want to do this. There are still some hiccups to work out but I would love to be the sole owner of our family house while W runs off into the sunset with Mr. Ukraine to the other side of town from all our friends and family.

No problem py, good luck with it and let us know how it goes.

[NDY]

Just had a thought py. Here you need a home report. It's an official document that you need to sell your house. It contains details of needed repairs etc but it also includes the marketing value and this is the net value . Just in case it's similar where you are.

[Pyrite]

i'm not moving quickly on this at all. re-location of girls creche/kinder/school has to be "set" before I will even talk about selling house. I have made this clear to W several times and expect I will have to again.

[Vanilla]

Thanks Vanilla. I certainly agree with your assessment of abstinence not really being recovery. I was thinking more of say an alcoholic presenting his excessive drinking to his Dr. The Dr would say first up - kill the drinking.

Of course stopping the interaction with the compulsion , in this case porn is the first step to recovery. If low self esteem is the trigger then address it. Your W Pyrite has no power to make you feel 'special' that is your power alone, and you can make you feel special. There is nothing wrong with wanting acceptance and love, validation of our deepest needs.

OK so this is the thing. low self-esteem is there. even if it wasn't

Low self esteem, can I just discuss that please. There really isn't such a thing in its totality. We can have low self confidence in many areas and fail to hold ourselves in regard for those areas. For example I feel very confident in my ability to cook all types of food. Food is part of my world. At the moment my confidence is low in my business. So essentially this is a fluctuating issue for me as I suspect for all of us. We can borrow our confidence and self respect from one area and apply it to another. my body confidence is low because of my extra weight and this may impinge on my ability to have new R. So in all of us we have areas of lowness and areas of highness. I am going to visit your thread and ask you to explore this a little with me. If that is ok?

There is nothing wrong with wanting acceptance and love, validation of our deepest needs.

but when you don't get this and you already have low self-esteem..... train wreck.

Do you mean don't get it in terms of not knowing? I do hope so. Why? Because no one gives this to you to get, it is something you build for yourself with your own thoughts and emotions. Besides who says having low self esteem is a train wreck? It can and should be temporary (like having measles) not permanent (like blindness. I would loe you to think of this as a temporary drought period and a place and time in which you can develop the resources to have a full internal locus of control. I remember this discussion with Jim in November last year and we challenged him to come up with 100 things he liked about himself that day. I think this challenge would be appropriate for you.

So - yes I agree that I have to fix my self-esteem, so that i feel special on my own, but this doesn't change basic requirement ^^ of a relationship.

I do not agree at all with this otherwise those without a primary relationship would not function at all. Self esteem isn't a faulty piece of equipment to 'fix', it is more of a self loving condition which fills you and makes you able to give to others. Giving without expectation and that will enable you to feel like the fundamentals of who you are are fine as they are. You can accept yourself as you are made and then everything else is a plus. A work in progress issue.

Am I getting this wrong here?

Your view is different to mine not 'wrong' but I would submit that it isn't very useful by way of belief to you. If you can change your belief and see the 100 things then the other 5 things are in perspective. Some things are self affirming whilst others need work, and that on balance you see yourself as capable and able to function.

BTW - just for the record I have/had problems with compulsive behaviour but porn isn't really one of them. I can understand it though, and could cross over very easily.

Actually the compulsion does not matter very much, it is the existence of that nature and some are unlucky enough to have a predisposition to compulsive behaviour. That makes life more challenging and ultimately more rewarding.

Apologies for the hijack Zues we can travel to Ps thread to continue. This is challenging because of validation and acceptance, plus I myself don't have this predisposition but I have experience now of others with it. It needs managing.

V

So Pyrite

Here is my challenge. List 100 things you like about yourself today!

V

[Pyrite]

but when you don't get this and you already have low self-esteem..... train wreck.

Do you mean don't get it in terms of not knowing? I do hope so. Why? Because no one gives this to you to get, it is something you build for yourself with your own thoughts and emotions.

I really have to sleep but I am confused by this. 5am here.

I was meaning that in my M it got to a point where I didn't feel "wanted" by my W. Not that it matters in this particular context, but at a later point she confirmed that.

[Pyrite]

I should clarify - she didn't confirm that she didn't want me per se. My W was a neurotic mother which made the time we had "together" even further strained, or who we are kidding - completely absent.

At 7-8 months, W stopped going to sleep after babies last feed (breastfed) and stayed up for a bit. night after night I would wait in bed for her, but she never came . She always had intimacy issues but this time was even harder - its all in my thread - but I am happy to give you any detail. It happened a few times, but I distinctly remember the one time that broke my heart.

I called her to the bedroom and I said to her "It is hurtful that you dont come to bed with me but I think it is a bigger problem that you dont want to come to bed". She admitted that she would rather be on FB, organising photos or whatever. I know now how she felt, that I was just an extra source of pressure, demanding her time.

this is a shame because I was not demanding. I did ALL the cooking and cleaning and banking and everything. it wasn't like i was pressuring her into sex every night, we only ever had sex once a month or so. but this is how she felt. pressured. unfortunately because I wasn't reassured by her, i put more pressure on her for reassurance. and ultimately killed my M.

[Bob723]

So Pyrite

Here is my challenge. List 100 things you like about yourself today!

V

Hello Pyrite,

V has given you quite a challenge! Wow....100 things, V? Would 99 do? LOL

I'll have to think about that myself.

Pyrite, here's a simple, little prayer I came across:

"Dear God, what happened to my marriage? Place Your healing touch on my gaping wounds. Save me, Lord. Amen."

We're here for you buddy.

Bob

[Pyrite]

Thanks Bob,

you're always there with kind wishes for every body else. I hope you are getting the support you need as well. I'm sorry I haven't got around to updating myself on your sitch for too long.

-Py

[Smothy]

does that mean you chose NOT to buy her out? why was that?

Not quite. I can't afford our house on my own but she can if I accept a reduced share of the equity. The law here is very specific where a) no one party is allowed to profit from the D and b) the equity (in the case of a buy out) is the net value of the property and NOT what you think it will sell for. She was hoping I would accept the current 'selling' average for properties of our type in our area. Problem is that I work in that field and have access to incredible amounts of data so I completely disagree that I should take a reduced cut for both those reasons. However not so long ago I would have done just that.

Although, English Law, I am watching this closely as I want to buy my H out of the house. I do not want OW to be in the house we have painstakingly remodelled for the last 15 years.