That's awesome - thanks so much Defacto and RAI. I'll check out the No More Mr. Nice Guy book and see how it helps, there may be elements in there for me.
It's not easy, but lately I keep telling myself to use the time for me and I can't focus on her. She never returned from work, went to see OM and didn't come back til 1:30AM. For the most part, I wasn't bothered. Spent the evening with my sons and got some sleep. Was a good night. I need more of these and moving out will help.
As far as improving on me - I'll keep referring back to these and any advice/strategies/what works for you guys and the group, I'm all ears:
-Rediscover and rebuild my self-esteem and self-confidence
-Learn to better control my anxiety and stop pursuing behaviors
-Let go of fears, they should not control my actions
-Learn to enjoy uncertainty and having patience, not everything has to have plans or expectations
-Realize how I am the only person responsible for my happiness and can only find it within me. I need to appreciate what I have, instead of focusing on the things or people I don't.
Rip, Good work last night! This is improvement. I know personally how tough those nights are.
I think those bullet points are great. Keep digging deep!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Also I swear Saudi or others have said you can't go dark when you live in the same house can only do lrt. Which would make sense if going dark was no contact. Also my last db coach meeting was about lrt and it included contact.
During the time I was reading DR, I read some other books that were very similar to MWD's writing, and they even used the same acronyms, so I would have to go look up page numbers, etc., which I can't do at the moment. So anyway, the way I remember it from way back then, was that "Going Dark" was when you were totally cut off and away from the WAS/WS. Nothing heard from you and nothing seen of you. It is as if you fell off the planet. No contacts whatsoever! That is why my argument has always been that if you share children, it is almost impossible to stay dark long enough to be effective in the hopes of reconciliation. If you live under the same roof.....it is impossible! How can you not be seen or heard and living in the same house? I believe MWD referred to "Going Dark" as the technique after the LRT. She may not have been the one to actually coin the term "Going Dark"(I will have to double check) however, her description of "After the LRT" is the same as going dark.
I guess we get tied down in some of the terms, IDK. I remember when some new people who were confused about going dark, and could not stick with it (b/c they would backslide), started referring to going gray. What!?! (Drove the mess out me! Still does!) In other words, it was a compromise of going dark....which isn't worth a flip. I thought that was crazy, was not an appropriate term. They just made it up b/c they couldn't stick to anything, and was inventing a new.....whatever. It caused confusion for other newcomers, too, and I still see it popping up from time to time.....but I hate that "going gray" is ever used, and I won't tell all my reasons right now.....maybe later.
I agree about dropping the rope as being the LRT. I use to post an analogy of playing tug of war and what happens when you drop the rope. It may be floating around in some old threads somewhere. If I happen to run across it, I'll send it your way.
The way I understand the LRT, it can be applied while still living under the same roof. I remember seeing a couple of people on the board (one was a mod) who argued whether or not the 37 rules were 180's or dropping the rope. So funny! I just sat back and watched the show. The important thing, Ripken, is to do what works for your situation. If you aren't sure about the acronym or term, then don't use one. Just give a description of whatever it is you are doing. Most of us here use it b/c it saves time, but there is confusion from time to time. And....if I'm wrong about any part, I am not to big to submit and admit.....(but it will hard). JK
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Defacto and Sandi! Here's my gameplan when I move out to test and see how it works - whatever it's called (NOT gray)
-Work on me and dig deep on the 5 points above
-GAL, rediscover what I enjoy, work out and meet new people
-Not intiate contact with ww and not respond immediately (if at all) when she does - I'm busy
-If I chose to interact with ww, be polite, positive and allow parts of me to show, even humor/jokes and general care for her well-being, where it makes sense. Tell me self it's ok to enjoy moments with ww and doesn't have to mean she's cake-eating or I'm backing off my boundaries. Don't have to be a cold hearted dick.
-Be an amazing father and continue to grow that relationship even further. When it comes to interaction and whether or not to with ww, if it's about the boys, that trumps everything.
No sure if this is LRT, Going Dark or whatever. But this seems to be my plan. Any other thoughts or suggestions?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
This is a great plan, Rip. No reason you can't start on some of these now.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Maintaining your PMA, make this a priority. not just with spouse when there may be interactions...but make this a priority in your entire life, new firends, work, family...all of it. It will help with all the other things!
Can't remember...Have you looked into any of the books on codependancy? There is a lot of us in the descriptions of what a codependant is and it could help with your five points above.
Sending out positive thoughts!!!
Oh, and i have an into to meditation tomorow morning. there are 2 free sessions a week, so i am going to give it a try tomrow. Thank you for your advice.
Zephr - I'll look into some of those books. I did get too attached to her for everything. I was extremely self confident and that dissolved over time. I need to take it back.
Good luck with the meditation - I think you'll find it peaceful and relaxing!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
After looking at NMMNG - I'm not sure that would be the best resource for me. There are times right now, were I didn't want conflict due to the divorce/affair, etc but I normally don't avoid it.
I do feel I may have grown codependant and especially attached with her being the reason for my happiness/unhappiness. What resources have worked to become less codependant/attached?
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Had I guess a set back today. Wife was talking about when to start dividing up time with boys when I move out next week. Had our first conflict with June 6th, I had plans for a bachelor party and she dropped the bomb that she took off work because she's going out of town with om. Ugh.
That was worked out, but later in the day she was getting more emotional and upset about which blu Rays I would take, because she thought I was making a point that since I make more money and bought them, I should have all of them and another feeling of her being worthless because she makes less than me and can't provide for the family. All her words and feelings not mine. I told her while there are a lot of things about her right now I'm not particularly fond of her being a lesser provider was never a thought.
Then she started talking about mutual friends we'd have after the divorce. And then said she was upset and hurt that her sister is still close with me and ww feels is closer to me than her. Said she wishes sister would just cut me out of her life, but would never ask her to do that.
Ww then went on a tangent about how she's finally doing things for her and while she's made some [censored] up decisions had to finally do it for her. I told her I was sorry that our relationship got to a point where she no longer felt she could talk to me and the only option she felt she had was to make those bad decisions.
She said there are tons of times she goes back and forth and digs her heels in, wondering if she should do what's comfortable, but always pushes herself to break free.
I told her that's why I needed to move out because as easy as it is to blame everything on her, I need to process what I can change in me and make me a better person. I need to figure out why I allow myself to think so low of myself that I can continue to be treated like crap from someone that doesn't care about me.
She started crying and said she does care and that's why she was crying.
I told her I hope she is able to work out what it is in her that brings up these triggers and feeling and how much of it is me, the same as I am.
This is the first time I've felt she's had any sense of questioning or second guessing any decision. She still is selfish and ready to move on and I still feel she doesn't care, but she's never said anything like that since bomb drop
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Had I guess a set back today. Wife was talking about when to start dividing up time with boys when I move out next week. Had our first conflict with June 6th, I had plans for a bachelor party and she dropped the bomb that she took off work because she's going out of town with om. Ugh.
That was worked out, but later in the day she was getting more emotional and upset about which blu Rays I would take, because she thought I was making a point that since I make more money and bought them, I should have all of them and another feeling of her being worthless because she makes less than me and can't provide for the family. All her words and feelings not mine. I told her while there are a lot of things about her right now I'm not particularly fond of her being a lesser provider was never a thought.
Then she started talking about mutual friends we'd have after the divorce. And then said she was upset and hurt that her sister is still close with me and ww feels is closer to me than her. Said she wishes sister would just cut me out of her life, but would never ask her to do that.
Ww then went on a tangent about how she's finally doing things for her and while she's made some [censored] up decisions had to finally do it for her. I told her I was sorry that our relationship got to a point where she no longer felt she could talk to me and the only option she felt she had was to make those bad decisions.
She said there are tons of times she goes back and forth and digs her heels in, wondering if she should do what's comfortable, but always pushes herself to break free.
I told her that's why I needed to move out because as easy as it is to blame everything on her, I need to process what I can change in me and make me a better person. I need to figure out why I allow myself to think so low of myself that I can continue to be treated like crap from someone that doesn't care about me.
She started crying and said she does care and that's why she was crying.
I told her I hope she is able to work out what it is in her that brings up these triggers and feeling and how much of it is me, the same as I am.
This is the first time I've felt she's had any sense of questioning or second guessing any decision. She still is selfish and ready to move on and I still feel she doesn't care, but she's never said anything like that since bomb drop
It's a roller coaster, brother. My STBX has had a couple of these moments, including one this morning. Stay grounded and focused. Now is the time to really stick to your plan, especially when you are searching for any sign that WW wants to return to the MR. She doesn't, at least not anytime soon.
I was intentionally not around when my STBX moved out just to avoid the emotional awkwardness of it all.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
It caused confusion for other newcomers, too, and I still see it popping up from time to time.....but I hate that "going gray" is ever used, and I won't tell all my reasons right now.....maybe later. 
So funny! I just sat back and watched the show. The important thing, Ripken, is to do what works for your situation. If you aren't sure about the acronym or term, then don't use one. Just give a description of whatever it is you are doing. Most of us here use it b/c it saves time, but there is confusion from time to time. And....if I'm wrong about any part, I am not to big to submit and admit.....(but it will hard). JK 