Just checking on you. Hope you can ride one more day as it is the way to go for us all right now. It's a day by day with a night in the middle to make us reflect in all what is going on and what direction we should, must take.
Jim is a funny guy, love reading his posts. And he writes words of compassion and yet seeing and feeling the reality that surrounds you.
Many times I did not feel good enough for my H. I felt that he was doing a lot to grow himself and instead of stepping up and do something for myself, I became a bitter person, full of resentment and a huge emptiness.
M point is that we (maybe for women) hold a lot of feelings inside us, we usually need or choose to live our lives for others... kids, H... and in a way we get lost and empty.
For sometime in the past, I decided to start working part time since the kids were older and I could do something else. Since the beginning I did develop a good relationship with one of the doctors here, he is M and so was I, we never had anything besides work, but that did not impede me to think how amazing he was.
I would compare him to my H and many times found comfort thinking about him and how wonderful he was. I never said it to no one besides in joke to some girlfriends. But the truth is that it made me distant from my H even further.
I am a faithful person and everyone knows it here. And I believe that was the work of some supreme power (my God) that separate us. This doctor is still working with me, he does not want anyone else to deal with his patients besides me. But he is about an hour drive from were I am now. The distance made that attraction to fade away.
What I am saying is that my H may never know what was in my mind and my heart, but it was there. The killing routine with kids, obligations and the all the same stuff became a big deal for my H and I and we weren't smart enough to realize it until it was too late and now things look really bad.
I try to put myself in your wife's shoes and by what you report here, I feel she just implode and is in a world of agony. Like a trapped animal that is hurting and does not have a place to escape.
I understand you had enough, that trust was broken and that you are dealing with a lot of pain, resentment and shame. But love is something powerful and we can be better people and love and understand each other as we go through the life challenges.
I wish you can feel my hug as a true friend that wants you to rest a bit, that wants you to let yourself just be, without impose so much burden on yourself. You may have a million reasons to be tough with yourself, but you find a trillion reasons to be gentle with yourself and let yourself calm down and heal with all you are learning.
And if is some consolation, I am learning to deal with all what is happening to me, my life. I really believe now that I need to develop myself into the person I want to be and I need to GAL with my kids, my friends, myself, and people that I will meet along the way. Don't close the door, force yourself into happiness and eventually it will become real.
