Thanks Job. That was the plan. I want you guys to know that I left her alone when I was at my house yesterday. My focus was 100% on my children. I only spoke to her when she addressed me.
The reason I sent her the next several days of my work schedule and children time schedule was to get myself to not contact her at all for the next 5 or 6 days.
I def have low expectations on spending time. But I would assume since she told me it would be ok for me to ask her and if she said no that it would be ok for me to ask her again the following week that I am safe in doing so.
However, I would assume that in between that I need to just back way way way way off. And if she says no, just accept it and ask again the following week (only because she gave me the ok to do so).
I want to do this right so I am going to keep posting and follow what you guys tell me to do.
If she doesn't accept the offer of doing something, don't ask again for a while. If you were to ask her next week...that is called pursuing. You don't want to come off as needy and wanting her attention right now. You want to show her the new and improved BEClem who can do things w/o her around.
You definitely need to back way off and just leave her alone. Find some activities that you can do by yourself and w/your children. When she begins to notice that you and the children are doing things together and everyone is having fun and being happy, she'll then begin to feel a bit envious and want to join in.
Listen to what the posters are trying to tell you. This isn't their first rodeo and they will not give you bad advice.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Back off. Don't blow it. I think you are persuing. Buddy, this is hard, I don't deny it, but we're all in this together. Just leave her. Sending her schedules etc. is just another form of asking her/telling her what's going on. She needs to WANT to know.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
If you pursue her and get together regularly now, the dynamics of your relationship won't have a chance to ACTUALLY change. By short cutting the process, you may save the relationship for now, but there won't really be any long term change, so you will probably find yourself back here sooner than later. I don't believe that if you are here, the problems in your R are so easy to fix that a few weeks will make things go away.
Back off. Don't blow it. I think you are persuing. Buddy, this is hard, I don't deny it, but we're all in this together. Just leave her. Sending her schedules etc. is just another form of asking her/telling her what's going on. She needs to WANT to know.
Huddy. I have to communicate with her on schedules because that is communicating about kids and finances. I either do it the way I did it in one shot for the week so we don't interact every day. Or her and I need to be in contact every day to coordinate seeing the kids and dropping off money.
There is no way I can't communicate with her on kids and finances. I have two small children that I am trying to see every single day. And I have a responsibility to continue to support my family.
By sending her the work / children schedule for a several day time period it is doing it differently than her and I had been doing it. It allows for us to not be in daily contact about "when are you coming over to see the kids" "what is your schedule".....
It's trying something different in something that I have to do anyway.....schedule time with my kids and financially support my family.
Please just let her be. SPACE SPACE SPACE! When I left my first husband, all he did was pursue me and I told him just give me some space to breath. He didn't and I went thru with the divorce.
Now I am separated from my second husband all he want is space, space, space. It's hard but you have to do it. I am trying my best to give him his space.
It is time for me to start setting some short term achievable goals. I am going to write them here to start my journal. I am having alot of trouble with this so I need to take this one week or even one day at a time.
To start with. I am going to focus my goals on myself.
Goal: Start getting myself on a positive mental upswing and to break my cycle of pursuit and pressure so I do not blow any opportunity I may have.
How to get there the next 6 days.
Today: Take a short nap because I hardly slept last night. Go to work this evening. Call my kids on Face Time. Do not talk to or text W.
Tomorrow: Go for run. Go to work. Call kids on Face Time. Go to second job. Eat. Sleep. Do not talk to or text W.
Sunday: Exercise (run or pushups / pullups). Go to work. Spend afternoon at my house with my children. If W is there do not talk about anything around R. Be upbeat and positive. Do not call or text wife after I leave. Eat. Sleep.
Monday: Run in morning. Spend day with daughter and afternoon with son and daughter after son gets home from school. No R talk with W if she is at house in afternoon. No calling or texting.
Tuesday: Run or exercise. Go to work. Spend afternoon with kids. No R talk with W if she is at house. Be upbeat and show happiness and contentment. No calling or texting.
Wednesday: Run or exercise: Go to work. Ask W out for bowling and a bite to eat per our discussion. Have low expectations. If she says yes: no R talk. Just have fun and take it for what it is. If she says no. Accept it with a smile. Don't push and just let it go. Spend afternoon with kids and go out with friends instead.
That gets me through the next several days. I will be on here every day for strength, inspiration and support. I need to achieve these very short term personal goals to get myself on the upswing and on the right path.
OK. That makes sense. This space thing is difficult to understand. I don't get it either, but my W wants it, so, what have I got to lose by letting her have it? Well lots to lose, but nothing will improve if I don't - see the difference?
I'm not expert, and most of the guys on here will tell you they're muddling through, trying to work out what on earth is going on.
You will have ups and downs (in the same day, sometimes the same hour) and that's OK. Come on here, let people know, somebody will check in and have a look.
You can do this. Time, space, patience. Yup, it's hard, but we're all trying to manage this s***.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
