Make Love in the Middle of a Warzone

[Pyrite]

we will be OK Smothy. I'm sure of it I'm glad to hear you sounding much more relaxed than the other day. if you start to wind yourself up again please remember to take it easy on yourself and press the reset button.

[Huddy]

Way to go Pyrite. Good to see you're at a good place right now.

[Pyrite]

25 posted on Huddy's thread..

Do the 180s and do NOT monitor for results til at least 90 days have passed. If there are signs of her changing anything before then, you'll see much more by NOT staring at her waiting...

I can't be sure if 25 will get to this, being in such demand and all, so I will just rant.

Its probably not 90 days since I did a genuine 180. To be honest I don't think I have even yet accomplished the 180 I need to do to have any effect at all. I stopped pursuing nearly 4 months ago. I stopped any R-ish talk ~3 months ago. I haven't responded angrily at her in ~2 months.

In terms of 180s she can see - this is it. In that time, she has only moved further away. She has upped her EA to a full blown PA, she is pushing to sell the house etc. Another 90 days will see he on the other side of town, in her own house - possibly living with OM. How can I possibly be confident in 180s having any affect?

The "math" is "consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

The problem is she is not looking for change to believe in. She has found change in new relationship with OM.

Elsewhere was a quote I can't find right now, basically about 180s being for you. This is fair enough. Basically what I am resigned to now anyway. But it still hurts.

I imagine I am in for a long wait to see ANY changes. Basically OM has to disappear first. Even then she may indeed feel her new life is better anyway. I know I can't predict the future so it is useless trying. Nonetheless the closest scenario I can see to ever bringing my family back together is that she bottoms out following departure of OM. I do know her, and I imagine that she won't consider R with me an option that is available to her. I am not saying that it is absolutely certain either. I have always believed that we owe it to the "family" to at least try.

So - As I have posted before I still have a very good relationship with MIL. If anything she will be around in a few years time to present this option to W. She has been there for me over the last few months, but recently I dont know if I should be "going dark" with there as well OR it would actually be a potentially good thing for her to know that I am open to reconciliation, even if it is in x years time. In reality I could even be re-married and have more kids by then. It's also NOT like i am leaking stuff to the W. Her mother is too afraid to mention the marriage. She gets yelled at if she does.

So what do people think? Where do I draw the line? I have to keep it from her that I am not opposed to reconciliation, even now after OM. W would interpret it wrong way. So who else do I intentionally keep it from. So far I haven't advertised it. With mutual friends I have just avoided saying much at all really.

[Huddy]

Hi Pyrite

That's a difficult one, just starting the process, as you know. At the minute, I don't want W - she's treating me so badly. What I want is W back as she was. Will she come back? I don't know. How long do you wait? What are we expecting to see; what are the signs? Just too many unknowns for us LBH's to ponder, so, that's where the rules come in, I suppose.

We can't change them, we can't control them. We have to do what's right for us.

I'm having a bit of a down afternoon. I know that W holds the 'kid card' right now, and I seem to be losing that battle. I've worked out my income and expenses and I'll really struggle to see them if W carries out her plan. I can't tell W as, in her current state, she won't care.

Sandi - thoughts for us Py and me?

[NDY]

I we can get Sandi2 to chip in that would be amazing as Py and I's sitch's are very very similar.

[Huddy]

The three amigos need help!

SANDI - WHERE ARE YOU! THE GUYS NEED YOU!

[Pyrite]

That's a difficult one, just starting the process, as you know. At the minute, I don't want W - she's treating me so badly. What I want is W back as she was. Will she come back? I don't know. How long do you wait? What are we expecting to see; what are the signs? Just too many unknowns for us LBH's to ponder, so, that's where the rules come in, I suppose.

We can't change them, we can't control them. We have to do what's right for us.

I'm having a bit of a down afternoon. I know that W holds the 'kid card' right now, and I seem to be losing that battle. I've worked out my income and expenses and I'll really struggle to see them if W carries out her plan. I can't tell W as, in her current state, she won't care.

Sandi - thoughts for us Py and me?

hey Huddy & NDY,

I'm no vet but I think it is great to see you NOT wanting her back Huddy. It sounds to me like progress. We go to and fro on this as time passes and we "grow"/detach. Be careful (I suspect you know anyway) about wanting her back the way she *was*. I know what you mean - but you are likely to be back in 6 months if that were the case. You want the improved version I suspect.

There is a section in DR about "the signs". But these are probably more appropriate to at least you being under the same roof. In my case these signs are not visible.

I have been scared about the kids issue this whole time. After talking to legal aid though I am more confident that although I would be clawing my way back in court, a judge would have to agree that it I was unfit to be allowed my rights. These including that my consent is required to move the kids to another school, major decisions etc. HOWEVER, this is still no certainty. The judge can make any order that h/she sees as being in the interests of the kids and workable. h/she doesn't really care about stepping on anyones toes.

Down afternoons. Plenty of them my friend. Enjoy your evening. Little things can change the day in a second.

[Huddy]

Sorry, should revise Pyrite. Sure, don't mean exactly what she was. That was old M with old W. Now need new M with improved H and W!

[Cadet]

In terms of 180s she can see - this is it. In that time, she has only moved further away. She has upped her EA to a full blown PA, she is pushing to sell the house etc. Another 90 days will see he on the other side of town, in her own house - possibly living with OM. How can I possibly be confident in 180s having any affect?

The "math" is "consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

I am not 25 or Sandi however I will take a stab at this.

#1 - Have you read up on affairs and affair busting?
One of the methods is that the affair needs to run its full course, with NO needs being met by anyone else.
Somehow in my observations those engaging in crazy affairs dont get their needs met by their affair partner either.
At that point they may start looking elsewhere or possibly back to their original partner.
This is not something that happens overnight or in a month or two.

So on to point
#2 - what is sufficient time as mentioned by 25?
I can say it is not a few months,
I would say 2 years minimum, but it could be way longer.
Their are no guarantees here.
Each person has free will, and there may be other issues
that are much more deep rooted that can take way longer to resolve.
If it is MLC then the person must literally "grow up".
How long does it take for your children to "grow up" ?
Can you give them a pill or a magic button?
Same thing can happen in MLC.
Depends on their childhood wounding and whether they want to face it or continue to run away.

This is why we think the best advice is to focus on self!

Hope that helps.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Cadet- it surely does help and I greatly value your advice.

2 years minimum - well that squarely places us in the self-focus zone doesn't it.

I have read about affair busting - but apart from what you quoted it sensate seem to offer anything else. It is crazy affair but OM has a vested interest in maintaining relationship with a "citizen" for 2-3 years.

Do you have an opinion on what I asked about MIL in that same post?

Thanks Cadet