I'm not sure I can tell you what you want to hear. The divorce decision isn't in your hands; you cannot control it. Your W will ultimately do what she is going to do.
But you know what I realized after I started actually listening to the people on this site? My life isn't over just because my M is. My W will do whatever she is going to do, but by the time the divorce is final, I intend to be a man and a father that I can be proud of. And while it may be too late for my W to see that, it may not be - that's a long time from now. All I know is that I will not let this be the end of me and I will be strong enough to recover I am only 32; if this ends poorly (which it may) it WILL NOT DEFINE ME.
Trust me, I was just where you are. But by going out and taking advantage of this time, I've learned that while I WANT my W and M...I don't NEED them anymore.
i don't know how helpful that all is, but I truly believe the key is letting go of the things you can't control. They will either happen or they won't. You need to prepare yourself to come out OK no matter what does happen. And to do that, you need to actually detach - find some friends to do anything, join a group, attend some meet ups, ANYTHING. Dostract your mind so you don't just spend your life focusing on the pain I'm sure you're feeling.
yup .. just as its been pointed out .. we have no control over what they do. Does that mean there is no hope? No ... you can start rebuilding yourself, realize that YOU did not set this ball in motion but you are strong enough to not be crushed by it ... does it hurt and sting .. absolutely ... however there is a lesson in all this and there is some amazing growth IF you allow yourself to get out of the bed and start living, take control of YOUR life and what you CAN do.
I have been at the divorce table twice, once in Mar14, again in Mar15 ... first one like you .. deep inside I was crying begging and pleading thought I refused to let her see it ... second time, a year later I accepted it for what it was, even told the lawyer when she asked me ... that I felt W needed to do this to move on, not so much because of me, our family or anything that could not be fixed. Lawyer was actually shocked ... a month later W told me it was not what she wanted and she is still sorting things out ... I am still working on me.
Become the man you were meant to be, not to win your W back, but because you have not reached your potential, do this for you.
Breathe! No, there is nothing you can do to stop the divorce if she files. You may attempt to slow it down, but it will cost you a lot of money to do so and will anger her even more so.
Breathe! Have you spoken to a lawyer to see what your options are? If not, you may want to consult w/one just so you know what to expect...but otherwise, there's nothing more you can do in the way of stopping a divorce if she files. I'm sorry that she's on a roll...but now you need to really, really focus on you, your health and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Much calmer today everyone. Seeing a lawyer for a consult tomorrow.
Trying to pull myself together. Focus on my kids and myself. Get healthy. Get happy.
I still would like to see things work out. But I realize that I have to focus on me and my kids and emotionally detach myself from her so I can be strong for either outcome.
I have calmed down significantly. W and I have had a few discussions and established a few things:
1. She is thinking of filing but has not 2. She is being completely honest that she is going to think about giving us a chance 3. She is going to think about actually starting to spend some time with me while she thinks. 4. She has established a friendship with someone she grew up with. She made it clear that nothing has happened and she wouldn't do anything while still married to me. But she did say that she could see a possibility if her and I don't work out. So now we know that I have an added wrench to deal with. She obviously sees this guy as the better option right now.
We established some boundaries as far as us possibly spending some time together. If I ask her to do something and she says no. She is ok with me asking again the following week.
I'm hoping she will agree to start spending time with me so she could see that I am not the person she currently perceives me to be.
I'm focusing on trying to detach myself emotionally. Get healthy. Focus on kids. Get a life.
Going to continue my 180s which are all action oriented. No more words.
Even took some control today after our conversation. I texted her my work schedule for the next week. Identified when I want to come over each day to spend time with the kids. Told her I wanted to communicate it with her in writing so her and I could have some space. Even told her that quite frankly, I needed some space from her.
Told her that I am not asking her to bail everytime I come over to the house and am not looking for her to bail when I ask her if she would like to do something together next week. But I also told her that that is her decision and left it at that.
I am already preparing myself for her to say no to going out with me next week. Planning on bowling. If she does say no, I'm going to counter it with an ok, and then tell her that I am going to go anyway and just invite some friends instead. And then, I'm going to go bowling with my friends.
She would not expect this. And this is the approach I will take each week if she says no I'll just go out anyway and do what I planned with friends. Hey, that's part of GAL right.
I also stuck up for myself today during the conversation. I had watched the kids most of Wednesday evening. My W started giving me some absurd nonsense about "not making rice to go with the kids dinner". She said "I did 70% of it for you and you couldn't even take the time to make the rice"
So I set her straight in a calm and controlled manner. I told her that the reason I didn't make the rice to go with the chicken and beans was because I was playing tag and wrestling in the yard with the kids from 4-5 and by the time we were done it would have taken 25 minutes to make it and would have pushed into our D2 bath and bedtime. So I substituted some grapes instead.
Then I went on to tell her all the other things the rugrats and I did and closed by telling her that perhaps if she didn't bail everytime I came over and actually spent some time around me she would see that I am not who she thinks I am. I stuck up for myself. I'm a good father and love my children and they love me. And I'm good with them.
It kind of put her in her place a bit.
And you know what....when I went over to my house today to spend two hours with them after dinner.....she didn't leave the house.
I'm still scared. I'm terrified she is going to file. But I have to keep DBing and doing it the right way. So I'm going to keep posting and ask everyone to help me stay on track.
Even if she files, I still have the gift of time because it would be at least a year long process.
I also consulted a lawyer and found out some very relieving things. I can go home to my house anytime I want to: I have a full legal right to do so. And if she goes through with the divorce, her whole world of being a full time stay at home mom and full time parent is going to burst because given my income level, the alimony will be next to nothing, and there is no reason that I would not get joint 50/50 custody.
I'm not sure she has fully thought through what her life will look like if she does this. It will change drastically and not for the better.
Anyway. Please chime in. How did I handle this situation? Any tips or input?
Clem, Please, please give this woman her space. It takes time for her digest everything.
Please do not rush the process. I know you are anxious to have your family back all, but it takes a lot of time for the crisis individual to work through their issues.
Even though your communications w/her have been calm, you need to be mindful that they don't come off as controlling.
Yes, you can go to your marital home at any time...but be mindful...right now, it's her safe haven and she needs that space to work through her issues. The more you are in contact w/her, except for issues relating to finances, children or emergencies, the more you are taking her focus off of what she needs to do to heal.
BEClem, I truly know how you feel, but you've got to step back just a wee bit and give her the space she needs. If you don't, she will follow through on her threat of divorce to get you to back off.
Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to get healthy, i.e., mind, body and soul.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you ask her to do something, leave it open so that she can decide whether she wants to do it or not. Keep your expectations at the low level.
Don't ask her to do too many things w/you right now. It could come off looking like pursuit.
It's one step forward, two steps back. Don't rush the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
