Defacto - It's encouraging to see you make progress with the ups and downs and find time to grab a beer or two with a friend and enjoy time with your sons.
It is very tough not to mind read and struggle between having good conversations with the ww or shutting down completely. Your ww seems much more far along on her journey than mine.
Hopefully mine starts to take a similar path. The length of the journey is one of the hardest things for me to accept. You seem to be well aware of this!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Defacto - It's encouraging to see you make progress with the ups and downs and find time to grab a beer or two with a friend and enjoy time with your sons.
It is very tough not to mind read and struggle between having good conversations with the ww or shutting down completely. Your ww seems much more far along on her journey than mine.
Hopefully mine starts to take a similar path. The length of the journey is one of the hardest things for me to accept. You seem to be well aware of this!
Thanks for the encouragement, friend. Patience, consistency yet adaptability are key in our sitches.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto, since we were of the same mind in Ripken's thread I thought I would catch up on your sitch - even though I probably should not as I am at work. I think you are one of the most poised LBSs I have seen. From the beginning your interactions with WW have been smooth and controlled. I wish I had that rapport with my WW. I can barely manage civil and cordial, and I am probably more like passive aggressive.
I think you are doing a great job of working on yourself and regardless of the outcome, you will be a better you. Heck! I wanna be you . I am very impressed with the way you care for D4. You seem like a great dad.
You have a great relationship with GB - who always has pretty rock solid advice and who has invested a lot of ink in your sitch. Some of his posts are pure gold! I do, however, want to echo one of the previous posters on your thread, who said that you are crossing into the friend zone. It may help after D, but it may not be conducive to DB. When your WW tells you she loves you, it seems like she is telling it to you as a friend. Not as a W to a H. I think that if she truly loved you as a H, she would not be doing what she is doing. Love is a choice and she is choosing to not be with you. How is that compatible with the love a W has for her H. I think her telling you that she loves you is disrespectful and condescending to you as her H. She is equating you to a friend. She is essentially saying ILY without saying BINILWY. How is it any different that the way she said it on BD? How has she changed? Where is her remorse for her actions? Who is she thinking about when she says ILY? You do not need to validate her for saying it. Even GB said it before: her infidelity is a form of abuse.
On an unrelated note, a semi-hijack: GB, what is your background? I noticed that you do not have a thread - unless I could not find it. I would love to hear your story. I've deduced that you are not D. Are you piecing, reconciled? Just wondering. No obligation to share if you do not want to.
Defacto, since we were of the same mind in Ripken's thread I thought I would catch up on your sitch - even though I probably should not as I am at work. I think you are one of the most poised LBSs I have seen. From the beginning your interactions with WW have been smooth and controlled. I wish I had that rapport with my WW. I can barely manage civil and cordial, and I am probably more like passive aggressive.
I think you are doing a great job of working on yourself and regardless of the outcome, you will be a better you. Heck! I wanna be you . I am very impressed with the way you care for D4. You seem like a great dad.
You have a great relationship with GB - who always has pretty rock solid advice and who has invested a lot of ink in your sitch. Some of his posts are pure gold! I do, however, want to echo one of the previous posters on your thread, who said that you are crossing into the friend zone. It may help after D, but it may not be conducive to DB. When your WW tells you she loves you, it seems like she is telling it to you as a friend. Not as a W to a H. I think that if she truly loved you as a H, she would not be doing what she is doing. Love is a choice and she is choosing to not be with you. How is that compatible with the love a W has for her H. I think her telling you that she loves you is disrespectful and condescending to you as her H. She is equating you to a friend. She is essentially saying ILY without saying BINILWY. How is it any different that the way she said it on BD? How has she changed? Where is her remorse for her actions? Who is she thinking about when she says ILY? You do not need to validate her for saying it. Even GB said it before: her infidelity is a form of abuse.
You deserve better,
RAI
RAI, Thanks for the kind words. I'm flattered. I just only wish it were under different circumstances! Sometimes it takes a BD to knock us upside the head I guess.
GB has been a godsend to me and to my sitch. I am serious when I say that I would have never talked to OM's W if it weren't for his, and a few others, strong recommendation. I feel that exposing the A was a turning point in my sitch.
GB has also challenged me to continually evaluate my approach towards STBX and to not be afraid to evolve if necessary.
As far as the friend zone is concerned, that is exactly where I live from STBX's viewpoint. She is actively pursuing a D so there is no way she views me any other way at this time. I'm not entirely confident in my approach to this. I do not pursue her and I am not always available to her. She obviously misses the kids but I don't know if she's able to connect the dots here (or maybe she is and is ok with that). I also don't want to go completely dark or be emotionally vapid because I want to be able to seize on the opportunities I might have to rebuild a connection with STBX.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not so sure I should do anything different now. Even though I journal about my interactions with STBX, those are the only interactions I have with her. It's not like I am her gay boyfriend. I really have no idea what's going on in her life right now and she knows very little about mine.
I know she doesn't love me, at least not in the way she used too. And you're right, I do deserve better. I could never fall back in love with this current version of my W. But, she also deserves better than the previous version of me that she knew in our MR. That's the man that she fell out of love with.
No idea how it turns out. Stay tuned. Like sand through an hourglass...
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I still feel like when I read your texts to your W you are pursuing. As a W in an active affair I imagine it's a turn off. Right now she is cake eating ... Calling all the time, texting, etc.
Let her miss you some more. I really think you need to pull back. Stop being so available. You may think you might come off like a jerk but you can be NICE and unavailable.
I still feel like when I read your texts to your W you are pursuing. As a W in an active affair I imagine it's a turn off. Right now she is cake eating ... Calling all the time, texting, etc.
Let her miss you some more. I really think you need to pull back. Stop being so available. You may think you might come off like a jerk but you can be NICE and unavailable.
T0, Thanks for the feedback! I value your perspective on so many levels.
If you get a moment, could you provide an example where you felt I was pursuing so that I could alter my approach going forward?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I text: "Oh no! I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You can always call if you want to talk about it."
Just a thought at what jumped out. Shes in an active A and divorcing you. Its one thing to be there and validate/be friendly as shes talking, another to tell her your ALWAYS there as a support if she wants it.
Goes in with being available to her also. You basically told her your there anytime she wants you to be.
Last edited by Fogg; 05/15/1507:30 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I text: "Oh no! I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You can always call if you want to talk about it."
Just a thought at what jumped out. Shes in an active A and divorcing you. Its one thing to be there and validate/be friendly as shes talking, another to tell her your ALWAYS there as a support if she wants it.
Goes in with being available to her also. You basically told her your there anytime she wants you to be.
Fogg, Right on point. No excuse there. Tried to be supportive but I agree that it comes across the wrong way.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You may want to stop concurring with your W when she says something is "tragic". On this board, you can say something is tragic. We get it - and we agree. However, when you agree with your wife that what is happening is "tragic":
1) you make it sound like the events are totally out of her control. Again - your W has a choice. This is a calculated premeditated move by your W. There is no need to sympathize with your W as if her actions were preordained from on high. Being stricken with cancer is tragic, but going out of your way to D your H is not.
2) you make it sound like you are very devastated by what is happening. While I am sure you are devastated - we all are - you should not be telegraphing this to your W. It is the opposite of acting "as if". You need to really look like you are moving on, if you are serious about LRT. W does not need to see your sad face.
. I am very impressed with the way you care for D4. You seem like a great dad.