Part 19 - keeping on keeping on

[edz]

W Messaged me to say s wanted to go swimming and since Im still fighting muffin tops and I want him to feel good about exercise, we're off to do that this evening. I shall self medicate with a glass of pedro when I get back!

Just walked to Lidl and back which is about a mile or so and walked back with 4 heavy bags so Im sure that counts as exercise

W asked me to pick her up a bottle of vino, not sure if she just wants to have some down/her time tonight, entirely her call I'll go with the flow.

Cheers all

Edz

[edz]

Well my thread is turning into a bit of a Journal

Dropped off the wine with w last night and took s swimming, he was preoccupied and a bit grumpy (tired) but we had fun. Came back and just did myself a pizza as s had eaten beforehand, we had some evening time and s went to bed while I chilled out (and fell asleep on the sofa eventually). W and I were fb chatting but only on cats, s and TV nothing r based (seems a recurring theme in the evenings at the moment).

Not much going on, busy start with w picking s up this morning to take him to one of his activities. She was running later than usual so didnt stay for a coffee. Noticed defensive body language so made a point to say no problems, is she feeling a bit overwhelmed or need to talk she said no just running late.

Despite that made a point to calm down any talk for a while until she comes forward again. Apart from nice contact (like dinner / evenings there etc) not much to do apart from continue validation / warm approach / talking until she makes the next move insofar as talking about more / longer time together or us staying over etc or planning a move.

To be honest the next steps are w's to be open with s on what we are doing (it's getting hard to dance around some of his questions and since I wont lie he'll eventually nail me down and I'll have to say I cant answer that yet) tell her mum and also work through her concerns and fears. I'm here and ready to validate talk and give her the time and space she needs but not much else I can do on her timeframe apart from be patient and supportive which is what I'll do. Important that I dont fall back to being a wet lettuce and not be happy to be put into an unimportant role behind everyone else though so while she's doing that I will quieten communications with her and get on with my own things.

As I said the only timeframe is the one w raised, honestly its not impossible but I really do think she's wanting the quiet life option of waiting until her mum moves away before proceeding and I dont think thats a long term solution (I told her this last week and she said yes its crossed her mind but no its not she needs to face her but is terrified).

So, like the advert says, we wait and keep on keeping on warmly validating and communicating and practicing this patience Ive found.

Feel a little blue today, not the old "woe is me" blue just a little low that we're running slow again but thats balanced that the direction is a good one and oh so much better than I thought possible a little while ago. Ultimately Im only human and I want us to be together I have to have faith that its also important HOW we get there and making sure the ground we build this new relationship on doesnt have the same pitfalls in it with MIL, lack of communications, suffocation or me being put last.

Its a difficult old balancing act.

keeping on keeping on... 227 days? Last time I mentioned not locking us down to a time (for her more than me) w seemed adamant on it, Mmm doesnt seem long enough to me today but lets see.

[gan]

Feel a little blue today, not the old "woe is me" blue just a little low that we're running slow again...

Sorry to hear that you feel that way, Edz. You have so much positive going on in your situation right now but I suppose it is natural to want to move things along more quickly than WAS might be able to. I know I do! So...you talk openly about your issues with depression and co-dependency, etc. What's your plan for keeping those things at bay in Marriage 2.0?

[edz]

Duplicate!

[edz]

Hi Gan

yes indeed, important that its not impatience just keen to move on and a little blue at watching w be so afraid of tackling mil etc. It will happen or wont important for me to just be patient.

I look at the other sitches and I know how lucky I am right now to have got here, to have rebuilt my r with son, to have got away from depression and I really am grateful. Its just a natural desire to keep the momentum going that is sometimes at odds with what I know w needs - to move at her own pace. I know better than to pressure her and sometimes that makes me a little blue, it does pass.


What to do in 2.0? W and I have spoken at length and I've said here communications will never ever stop like they did. W feels she can open up and as we move through piecing and into being together I will do the same ( its a tricky transition from not scaring her away by pursuing or pushing to keeping things open and being more forthright if I think there are issues - something w has said she wants as she lost respect for me in 1.0 due to me being a wet lettuce ).

Depression, well, thats never going to go away its part of me and always will be, the important thing is knowing and recognising what I am impacted by, recognising it and making sure w calls me out on it and I call myself out on it when needed and take appropriate action.

Some of that is lifestyle changes I've made to not isolate myself too much as much as an introvert can, being more open with people and inviting company when its on offer not refusing it and, yes, if needs be seeking counselling which I will.

Codependency / suffocation / overreliance are all issues w and I have discussed and there will be moments when w and I disagree because of her need for space and my LL of physical touch / contact but we do agree that we will talk them over, that w will not respond with "im fine" when I ask whats the matter and will call me out if she feels hemmed in and that I will call her out if Im feeling pushed away.

I'm happy that I can do that, W seems committed to the idea of reconciliation and discussing it and what it means but not *quite* there on physical actions of committing to it or demonstrating it through actions to anyone bar me anyway. Will she? Don't know, I choose to believe so but like a lot of this it will be a case of taking a leap of faith and then working and moving forwards I imagine.

I'll never close myself off again and let that well form around me and confine me, but I also recognise w needs to tackle a lot of challenges both in taking that leap and also in her natural tendency to avoid conflict be that with me in m 2.0 or in what is sure to be an emotionally manipulative conversation with her mum - those remain to be seen.

I chose to believe we'll get there and work on what I can - *me*.

[Dawn70]

Working on you...I like it! That is what I'm trying to focus on too and I appreciate your inspiration. Keep on keeping on!

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, sorry if this hasn't been the best day. Hope you have perked up a little. I understand it must feel frustrating. You know that you are in a better place, and that's great. But equally, things may not always move quite as you hope, and it's hard not to chomp at the bit and so on...

But from what you post above, it does sound as though you and your W have had some really good talks and come a long way. As you say, you're not there yet, and there are hurdles ahead. It isn't easy to change dynamics with your parents, so for W to interact differently with MIL is a big ask. It may look easy for us from where we're sitting, but it's pretty scary for your W, I'm sure.

As for S and his questions. I agree that it's important he knows he can ask you questions and trust you to give a straight answer. And I'm sure you handle that very well.

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you!! T :-)

[edz]

Morning all

just thought I'd pop in to say thanks to Toots and Dawn, was fine by bedtime last night. Made Tagiatelle bolognaise and then some strawberries, blueberries and cream which was nice, caught up with some tv shows, defluffed the BFT and then later W and I had some more chatting online w apologised for not replying to an early day message just due to being busy, said no problems and she sent me some pics of s at the beach and cats etc. Was chilled before she texted and happy afterward so no worries. As I mentioned the blues pass, I do occasionally get a flash of worry when she goes quiet that she's changed her mind but theres no grounds for that bar the remains of self doubt, we'll see what happens, keep talking and working on things as w comes forward with them and I'll work on me anything else is out of my control and I know that.

So, today slept in later than normal as WFH and no early calls, the weather is absolutely vile today so haircut is off the agenda (20 minute walk to the barbers from me!) and working. W had emailed me at 5am (was asleep) just a forward of a news article, replied back that she was up early and hoped the breakfast HE event she was going to went well and thats it for now.

This evening, mm, need to get some odds and ends and fuel, dont know beyond that at the moment. If no s may go swimming myself or may just have a bath, classical music and a glass of something or w may have ideas, keeping an open mind

Cheers all

[Vanilla]

Evening Edz , S and BFT. Loving the new stance Edz and suggest slowly slowly. Embed your changes and ensure they truly are now so engrained they can not reverse.

Remember depression is a lifelong black dog shadow. I believe you will be well and safe in due course. The single biggest change is your R with S. That kid is truly a water babe.

Catch up more soon, thank you for your lovely posts have a Pedro on me.

V

[jim0987]

Morning Edz,

Does your W ever sleep?

its good to see whats happening in your situation its seems positive even if there is a MIL shaped hurdle to come yet. Its good to keep the focus on you and being the positive, depression free kind of man you want to be - its served you well since you moved and has bought you this far

so have you emotionally reconciled 'thing' within yourself now?

Have a good day edz