I have calmed down significantly. W and I have had a few discussions and established a few things:
1. She is thinking of filing but has not 2. She is being completely honest that she is going to think about giving us a chance 3. She is going to think about actually starting to spend some time with me while she thinks. 4. She has established a friendship with someone she grew up with. She made it clear that nothing has happened and she wouldn't do anything while still married to me. But she did say that she could see a possibility if her and I don't work out. So now we know that I have an added wrench to deal with. She obviously sees this guy as the better option right now.
We established some boundaries as far as us possibly spending some time together. If I ask her to do something and she says no. She is ok with me asking again the following week.
I'm hoping she will agree to start spending time with me so she could see that I am not the person she currently perceives me to be.
I'm focusing on trying to detach myself emotionally. Get healthy. Focus on kids. Get a life.
Going to continue my 180s which are all action oriented. No more words.
Even took some control today after our conversation. I texted her my work schedule for the next week. Identified when I want to come over each day to spend time with the kids. Told her I wanted to communicate it with her in writing so her and I could have some space. Even told her that quite frankly, I needed some space from her.
Told her that I am not asking her to bail everytime I come over to the house and am not looking for her to bail when I ask her if she would like to do something together next week. But I also told her that that is her decision and left it at that.
I am already preparing myself for her to say no to going out with me next week. Planning on bowling. If she does say no, I'm going to counter it with an ok, and then tell her that I am going to go anyway and just invite some friends instead. And then, I'm going to go bowling with my friends.
She would not expect this. And this is the approach I will take each week if she says no I'll just go out anyway and do what I planned with friends. Hey, that's part of GAL right.
I also stuck up for myself today during the conversation. I had watched the kids most of Wednesday evening. My W started giving me some absurd nonsense about "not making rice to go with the kids dinner". She said "I did 70% of it for you and you couldn't even take the time to make the rice"
So I set her straight in a calm and controlled manner. I told her that the reason I didn't make the rice to go with the chicken and beans was because I was playing tag and wrestling in the yard with the kids from 4-5 and by the time we were done it would have taken 25 minutes to make it and would have pushed into our D2 bath and bedtime. So I substituted some grapes instead.
Then I went on to tell her all the other things the rugrats and I did and closed by telling her that perhaps if she didn't bail everytime I came over and actually spent some time around me she would see that I am not who she thinks I am. I stuck up for myself. I'm a good father and love my children and they love me. And I'm good with them.
It kind of put her in her place a bit.
And you know what....when I went over to my house today to spend two hours with them after dinner.....she didn't leave the house.
I'm still scared. I'm terrified she is going to file. But I have to keep DBing and doing it the right way. So I'm going to keep posting and ask everyone to help me stay on track.
Even if she files, I still have the gift of time because it would be at least a year long process.
I also consulted a lawyer and found out some very relieving things. I can go home to my house anytime I want to: I have a full legal right to do so. And if she goes through with the divorce, her whole world of being a full time stay at home mom and full time parent is going to burst because given my income level, the alimony will be next to nothing, and there is no reason that I would not get joint 50/50 custody.
I'm not sure she has fully thought through what her life will look like if she does this. It will change drastically and not for the better.
Anyway. Please chime in. How did I handle this situation? Any tips or input?
