Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

You know, this seems fairly obvious now that I'm typing it but it's the first time I've thought of it in these words before. I think porn impacts self worth a lot because is a more shame filled addiction, and one reason why is the reaction it gets. I think that's because many women have been hurt directly by porn, feeling betrayed, having their confidence undermined, and in many other ways. As a result there is can generate much more powerful reactions than, say, a gambling addiction. I've seen many people on these forums talking about quitting alcohol, for example, with little contraversy. I don't bring that up to defend porn or say it's being singled out. Only to point out that it's very unpopular.

I can see why I wouldn't be feeling confident about my self worth. As I said, I'm still sorting out what my natural desires are versus my conditioned desires. And what I've learned is that those that have been influenced by porn are very hurtful to women and provoke quite a backlash. So suppose I have desire A, desire B, and desire C. I share desire A and a woman might reciprocate and we get close, understand each other, and fulfill each other. I share desire B, same thing. Then I share desire C and am cast away and told I have problems, there is something wrong with me. So you'd go from being loved to being condemned.

So I can see why I'd be not very confident. It creates a lot of problems. I can't be myself or I won't be loved, I have to act like someone else. I feel ashamed of my desiress because I've been told they're wrong. I feel guilty because other people tell me they've been wounded, feel insecure, betrayed, or hurt because of desires I've expressed. What a confusing spot to be, where you don't know what's ok and what's not, where you feel judged for what you're attracted to.

This feeds the cycle of porn. Because porn doesn't reject or judge, in fact it's very existance seems to offer approval and understanding because it wouldn't be there if it didn't have a vast audience. And then it stimulates and satisfies in many ways as well. So it actually meets emotional needs and not just pleasure censors.

My goal is to get to the point where I have detoxed long enough to get to where I know what MY real needs and desires are, and where I have learned enough on the topic to rewire some thought patterns. At that point I think I can be more confident knowing that I'm me at my best self. From there if a woman finds me repulsive, well, we're not a good fit.

So cliff notes, it gives me confidence that I will become more confident because I realize a lot of the insecurity has come from the reactions that I've gotten for outlooks that might not be naturally mine. Obviously this is just journaling here and trying to work through things.