Whoa, I'm not suffering much anymore! Now what?!?

[Zues126]

Wonka- I agree with your remarks. My question that has been quoted by you and 25 was more of a challenge to a lot of the advice I've seen from other men suggesting to get out and date, go out with lots of women, etc, as a way of gaining confidence about the validity of your needs and your desirability. You may remember the "man cave" thread for example. And a few other posters are very pro-"date lots of women". My only post on the man cave was to state I wasn't interested in learning how to attract women by turning myself into some "alpha male", because I'm not going to put on an act, nor would I really want to be with a woman who was attracted to an act like that. That said, I like the responses, it affirms what I believed in my heart was true for me.

I think that all addictions diminish emotional IQ, they are a means of escape and avoidance, and of medicating moods. And from what I've read about porn, it takes time for the brain to detox, rewire thought patterns, and allow the endorphin centers to readjust. I'm only a few months in of total abstainance (for the second time) so I haven't come far enough to know how differently my mind will work in, say, six more months. So I'm talking about how I feel NOW, with faith that I will continue to evolve. Some desires and needs will remain, but they may be more managable and in a different form than what I recognize in myself today. Certainly they have already changed in the last year so I am curious what the future holds. I'm not impatient, I have time. I just find it curious to pay attention to my thought patterns during this time period.

Vanilla- My post about STBX was meant to be focused on the FEELING of being played. You're correct, I don't know what went on in her mind, it's not relevant and not something I dwell on. I shouldn't have writted "she wanted this" or "she never wanted that". What I intended to communicate was the feeling of foolishishness I experienced after BD for being so committed to the M. But you are right- I don't latch on to these feelings because I AM proud of how I stood by my M (although I'm not proud of my behavior that lead to such a bad one). It was meant to empathize with Sunny who was feeling foolish for expecting her H to treat her with common courtesy during her separation. THEN AGAIN- though that's what I meant, and that's why I meant it...that's NOT what I wrote, so it is a good reality check on how easy it is to slip from "I" statements to finger pointing.

Py and all- I'm actually doing really well in terms of how I'm feeling about myself, and my life. It DEFINITELY helps to talk about it. I appreciate all of you giving me your feedback. I raised my hand and asked because I want to keep moving the right direction.

I think I've been learning to feel my feelings and manage them better than ever before. I enjoy my days, am appreciative of what I have, am closer with my children than ever, and am really just feeling good. This is a pretty new experience for me. I'm definitely more focused on me, taking care of myself, and taking care of my children, and I've let go of my STBX more than I thought possible. I feel the dust is really settling, and I'm no longer uncomfortable having conversations with her (not that that's being tested- but even brief exchanges when handing off the kids have gotten easy).

What I've been doing the last few weeks is really exploring the topics of sex in relationships, how men recover from long porn use, etc. That's why I've been bringing these topics up, but I've also been reading offline. I'm pretty sure I'm going to do the Essential Experience thing, not sure when I can make it, but maybe later this summer. But these boards are special, and the vets on here are practially professionals in the field, so no matter what else I do I will try to keep posting on my thread regularly!