uR, you know.. I do walk proud when i see him. I don't feel ashamed of myself or anything like that. It is just so hard to see him. I can fake it like nobody's business... but I'm just struggling with the inside.
I did get control... I didn't let him get away with taking my strength. I pulled it together.
But I am pissed at him bc he did not treat me with any type of dignity. No type of respect. I know it's crazy. I know I can't make sense of any of it. But that in itself is a difficult concept to grasp. I get it. The rational part of me understand what I should think and do. That there is no rationality to it. I just don't know how he can continue to go through the motions. How he can put effort into something.
But I'm done with it. I am spinning a little. I thought I'd gotten past this part. That's what's so frustrating. Just when I think I'm past some stuff... something says... noooooope...
Maybe I'm my worst enemy- which I don't know how to defeat. I am clearly aware of what I should(ish) do...
I know I sound like I'm not getting better. I realize this. But outside of---- this----- these remaining issues, everything else is moving alone.
For awhile, it was like a vortex I was trying to escape. I was fighting against it- so hard- to get out. As I was near the end, entering the outskirts, there was a suction cup on my core... It was so hard to get past that suction.
I know... I'm an idiot. Just felt like that. I think I've surpassed that point. However... I've just got to let go. Let go. Let go. I think the hardest part is I don't know what I'm holding on to. I feel like I've let him go. Maybe my expectation of who i thought he was? I don't know.
Maybe the insult of not only how he discarded me.. but that it "didn't work out" crap... or that THAT is worthy of effort. Whatever. Not going to do this to myself anymore.
