Old dog seeks new trick 13

[Vanilla]

I think for most of us LBS's we feel like we're in the furthest place from the driver's seat with that decision.

I certainly understand how you feel as I have been where you are, I do not think there is a specific thread that says this.

Cadet, I really agree when the LBS stands for the M, grows for themselves and starts to become someone only a fool would leave. The more that DB is applied the more this is the case. In the end we push ourselves to grow and learn. In many ways most threads here say that. Unless the WS has serious personality issues they must eventually emerge from their tunnel or replay. Review the damage to their own lives and then the harm to others. Then they either grow themselves, ignore it with enormous pain but stay in the worst place until it is faced. The best for the LBS is to let go of the resentment.

It is my observation, and research that leads me to give out that advice.
I do believe that the LBS is the one that gets to decide,
as I have written on some other threads many times the LBS becomes the WAS and everything becomes flipped.

This is in essence how I see it too.

I think maybe it comes down to a boundary that finally is enforced, and the LBS finally dropping the rope and
Letting Go.

Detachment comes first. In my case "I will no longer be abused or disrespected"

At that point the WAS has no one else to blame other than
themselves and maybe at that point decides to start
to make changes to FIX themselves.

Cadet there are some WS (rather than WAS) who have personality issues and may never realise. For the great majority, this must be true, even if they repeat with yet another LBS. even if it's another round.

For all along it was never about the marriage or the relationship but something that was missing within themselves.

We are all work in progress I really believe that.

I am not saying that each person in the marriage is
not responsible for 50%.
The LBS thinks they have no choice,
when in fact they have 50% of the choice.
in essence we become more than we were at the start of the R. The most attractive self to ourselves and more substantial as an R partner. We outgrow the old R and the WS. We may even re attract a WAS who was dissatisfied rather than wayward. We have our choice.

I believe we neither have to forgive nor forget unless we choose to. However it is best to let go of the resentment as that will cause damage to the self. Often it is necessary to hang on to forgiveness as a protection. Eventually contact with the higher power links to love, when we project love to another despite their failings we are at our best.

Eventually that must come, more in sorrow than in anger. Old Dog, WW is the mother of your children and eventually as the spiritually developed OD is becoming forgiveness will come as it must. WW will no longer be able to deflect her pain, this takes too much energy.

OD, be angry if you must for the time being. I recommend letting your higher power work on releasing your anger and resentment as it may burn you out. let it take over, link to the love in your heart and despite all project it, to yourself as well as WW and your children.

Know this OD, it is ok. When you need to be strong remember these feelings, this time as it is part of your power. Let go but if you wish to stand it is ok you stand for OD.

Dance the best dance

V