Trying to Follow DB & DR (4)

[Wonka]

Miman,

I am sorry for asking you questions and then disappearing into the Black Hole. Some friend...aren't I,huh?? Well, the Black Hole was actually GALing.

First of all, I want to say a big "thank you" for answering some of those questions. I would like to follow through with you on some of the answers you've provided...if I may.

I realize that I should've been doing more around the house. I was really unhealthy almost pushing 400lbs at one point and the depression to boot so the amount of things I could do consistently wasn't much. I'm in a better place now thought, down to 285 and taking care of business around the house.

Good for you in losing the weight! Keep it up. Do you have a target weight? How are you managing your diet?

Is your depression better nowadays?

I hope you've stepped up and do your part of the household chores.

Are you asking what I can do to work on that? Well I'm looking for a new job. I have a bit of freedom now about where I can look for jobs, and GALing a whole lot more. Going out and meeting and interacting with new people.

How's your job search going? I hope you're doing this full-time as it should be. Cannot be done in a half-hearted way. I've learned that networking has helped me land jobs as 80% of the jobs are not advertised. Throughout my career, I have only applied to 2 actual job postings cold. The rest were through the grapevine of my social circle and college alumni network.

We made more than 100K together last year but we have next to nothing to show for it because I was trying to be responsible and said we should pay off our debts instead of spending our money on stuff. So while she wanted to go on 2 cruises/vacations a year and buy $400 purses like her single co-worker who still lived with her parents, I insisted that we paid our debts and try to save up money for a down payment for a house.

Are you the saver in the M? Is she the spender in the M? If that's the case, then there's resources in counseling to work through different financial positions. One spouse may feel the need to save due to how they were raised and the other spouse wants to spend money as a way to show appreciation for those items. Have you two had any HUGE, drag-out fights over finances? As people say, three main things couples fight the MOST about are the following: money, sex, and kids.

She stated recently that she thought the argument we had right before she left was over me not wanting to take the vacation we booked. What I was arguing for was spending less time with the OC because I felt my W becoming emotionally distant. I was trying to say we should spend time with them that weekend that she left because my back hurt and if we did spend time with them my back wouldn't have time to heal for the vacation and then we wouldn't be able to take the vacation. She insisted that she wanted to spend time with the OC that weekend, I asked her if that meant she didn't want to go on the vacation and she said yes because "[seeing the oc] is this weekend and this is what I want to do, [the vacation] is [2 weeks away] and i'm not concerned about that yet" or something like that. During BD, I told her I wanted us to go on this vacation together and that she deserved the vacation, she broke down crying saying that's all she had been wanting to hear.

Have you ever tried to compromise and/or negotiate things like this ^^ with W? Sometimes we need to step back and ask "How important is this to you? Perhaps we can try to find some middle ground here between our desires."

This does two things: 1) You are not discounting W's desires 2) Tells her that you are willing to listen to her without discounting them outright.

When they told the W that she got it I told her I was happy and excited for her but that I had hoped she didn't get it because I didn't want us to leave our life and friends here behind.

Do you see how inserting a "but" negates the previous statement? No wonder W misconstrued your feelings. Why not be more authentic with W with this type of thing? A much more authentic response would have been something like: "I am so happy and proud of you. Gosh, I am a feeling nervous about leaving this area with all of our friends we've made over the years." I bet that it would most likely resulted in W sharing her feelings as well...no?

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Will continue on to the next post....