Mighty, getting to a place of acceptance takes time. It just does. And the truth of it is that we can never fully understand it because we havent been in crisis. It makes no sense. It is beyond comprehension.
When I realized that, it also helped me to accept it. I had to let go of trying to get my mind around craziness because I wasnt crazy. There was no way I could ever get it. None.
So, to continue to try to understand it, was an effort in futility. It just wasnt ever going to happen.
Now I could have continued to go round and round.. how could he do that, how could he say that, how could he hurt his only child, how could he have taken every cent from me, etc...but that wouldnt get me anywhere.
So I chose to accept what was. I didnt have to like it or understand it, I just had to accept that he went crazy when he went into crisis.
I remember I would think that there are just some things in the world that didnt make sense...like a child dying or a mother killing her children. I couldnt get my mind around those things either.
And while this is a horrific thing to have happen, it certainly wasnt anywhere near as terrible as those things.
People dont get this, M. Heck, I have been around it for years, up close to many MLCs and I still dont fully understand it.
You have to make a choice, every single day, to let go of the need to understand it. You have to make a choice, every day to try to let go. Some days you make it, some you dont. Until there are more days that you do.
You are giving him so much power, Mighty. Power he doesnt deserve. Power that is better served for you.
I want you to do something for me. The next time you have to see him, think of this as you walk by him with your head held high and with attitude..."I did nothing to be ashamed of. I am worthy. He cannot take anymore from me. I wont allow it." And then walk by with a flip of your hair. Show him strength even if you arent feeling it yet. Show him that he did not break you..because he didnt.
Remember all you have survived, Mighty. Dont give him one bit more. He isnt worthy of it.
And if you dont want to get those emails, write him one that says so. "I am aware of what is transpiring in school with our son. There is no need for you to send me emails regarding it."
Your son is now 18. That was when I told my xh that unless it was something catastophic, I would no longer be keepimg him in the loop about our son as he is an adult. If he wanted information, he can ask our son. Not to be a b*tch at all, just because my xh made the choice to not be involved so then he needed to live that choice. He couldnt have it both ways and I wasnt responsible for their relationship or lack thereof. Not my problem.
M, you will get to acceptance one day. You will. You have to help yourself get there in whatever way you need to.
Take back your power, sweetie. Start to build a life of peace and be open to all the possibilities.
