Dreaded going to d14 game today. I'm in parking lot now... Just ended.
I don't feel bad about myself seeing him.! I just can't stand seeing him.
And I did. I haven't in months, outside from my house... He was far away and I just said, "go away."
It is just so hard seeing him. One of the hardest things ever. Realizing... This guy... Has a "family." I just can't.... I don't know what. I have no choice but to accept it. But seeing him, knowing that. He is going home to that. It is soooo hard.
I saw him, of course, felt all that ^^^. But then I tried to re-calibrate. It kind of worked. I took a second to look at him again (he didn't see) and I just thought, "what a piece of $hit." That's all I could think.
Then, when I was leaving, I had to walk past him. That was fine, but I just kept thinking- I. Hate. Him.
This sounds so immature; I'm aware. Empathy and all that... Blah blah blah...
I hate everything he had done.
Now, all these f'ing emails... I walked right past him with no one around. If he really had something to say, he could have tried, at least, to address me. I walked right past.... No one would have heard anything.
Nothing.
Didn't even look. He saw... But wouldn't look.
No balls.
Am I being tough? I think I've given a lot of slack. Much more than deserved.
I mean, yeah, I'm getting to a better place. I really am. I'm moving on and realizing- accepting- my future is no longer with him.
But I don't know that I will ever recover from .... Him. Like... Dealing with him. I just don't see how I can get over.... Some things.
I want to clarify- I don't mean get hung up on this, stay in this place, become bitter... Not that at all. I know that won't happen. I mean- I don't think I can get to that place... That depth of true damage. The heart of it all. I just don't know how. I want to. I don't think it's possible.
And for everyone to act like it's ok. Like it's not a big deal. That this major catastrophe has occurred inside me and my kids. Without thought, consideration, care, or concern. It just so awful... I don't need my ego massaged or anything... I just don't know how people could do that.
Ok. I think I'm done for now. D14 called my phone and said xh is taking her home. So..... I'm parked near water waiting for time to pass so I don't have to see him at my house. They may go somewhere first... So I'll wait awhile.
