I was just getting ready to walk into my new group counseling session when I received a phone call from my wife. Keep in mind that we haven't talked or seen each other for 5 weeks. I texted her and told her I was at therapy and asked if it was an emergency. She responded that it was not, but said that she was having a breakdown and really wanted to talk. I called her back and she was tearful, sad, and highly upset. She said that she had made a mess out of everything and her life was in shambles. She apologized profusely for her affair and for blindsiding me. She was beside herself with grief, and I let her talk and cry and validated her feelings. This went on for a good 20 minutes, and I asked her if she wanted to have an actual face to face conversation to further the conversation. She did and we met at a restaurant that we used to go to.
We spent 2 hours talking about what happened to our relationship. I owned my part of becoming neglectful and distant, and she explained how she felt alone and vulnerable, and felt like a teenager when OM started romancing her. She told me that she feels ashamed and embarrassed by her actions, but couldn't escape the affair fog that she was in. She was very forthright and detailed, and seemed quite sincere in her apology. She said that she has made such a mess of everything and cannot believe her behavior and actions. She mentioned that she didn't like being single and was just as miserable now as she was when we were together, even though I'm out of the picture now. I let her talk and validated her feelings. I made eye contact and did not pass judgment or express anger.
We talked about our life together and the good times that we had together. She asked about my kids and grandchildren, and got tearful when I caught her up on things. I told her that the one silver lining of our split was allowing me to recognize my faults and work on being a better person. She remarked that I seemed happy and reminded her of the guy I was when we first started dating. Honestly, it was the deepest conversation we have had in years.
We then walked back to her car and hugged. I tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let me. She cried on my shoulder for a long time. I did bring up to her that she was not alone and that she was in a relationship with someone else, and she told me that he only wants to be friends now. She also said that he told her she was "boring and predictable". I let her talk, and told her that I would not use those adjectives to describe her. We hugged s bit longer and then I left. No kisses, no "I love yous", and no groveling on my part. I acknowledged her feelings and validated them, and I also admitted my part in the marriage's demise.
So here I sit, trying to deconstruct what just happened. It seems obvious that she had an argument with OM. By no means do I think that he's out of the picture, but this is the first crack that I have seen in their relationship. I also think that the stress of filing divorce, moving, extra expenses, and stress are finally catching up to her. She is starting to experience real life now, and not this perfect fairy tale. I am not going to read too much into it at this time, but don't want to completely ignore things either. I could really use some advice and guidance from my fellow posters.
One more thing: some of you will remember how hard it was for me not to give her a card or gift on Mothers Day. I have always been good about giving thoughtful gifts to her, and it was a HUGE 180 not doing anything. She mentioned NUMEROUS times that she was devastated and sad that I didn't do anything. Hmmm, seems like you all were right.
Last edited by Cadet; 05/14/1509:19 AM. Reason: Links
Me M51 WW F46 T 17 yrs M 16 yrs 9 children D29 D27 D26 S24 S24 S19 S19 niece18 S17 8 grandchildren ILYBINILWY: 12/15/14 I discover PA 12/31/14 She files D: 1/9/15 She moves out 3/2/15 D papers served 3/18/15
