The divorce papers are finally going to be filed tomorrow. When I contacted W to ask her how she wanted to be served with the papers, she replied with attempts to be friendly-- here's a picture of the cat; would you like free tickets to a museum; my boss has some extra hats you might want. After I didn't reply to these for a while, she asked "Should I even bother?" I declined to take that bait, I declined her offers, and gave her instructions from the lawyer, to which she merely replied "K" and nothing further.
Just that little contact was enough to send me into ruminations for the bulk of today. Nothing new, nothing important, nothing resolute-- just the same thoughts over and over again about how poorly she's treated me, and wondering if she's ever going to understand or even think about how badly she's behaved.
It may be that what makes it so difficult to talk to her is that I don't want to convince myself that she's an awful person, or not worthy of my love, or that somehow I'm better off with her gone, because after all, hardly six months ago I sincerely believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with her, and I was happy about that. She hasn't changed. In fact, I've done enough reflection and analysis to understand exactly how it happened that this situation is a direct result of who I knew her to be and the mental/emotional problems I already knew her to have.
So even though I can see how I no longer have to deal with her mental breakdowns, her emotional crashes, and her verbal lashings, and that I now have the opportunity to find a woman who understands herself better and can therefore understand how to fulfill her commitment to a loving relationship, I won't convince myself to hate W... which means that every time I talk with her I'm going to feel awful about what she's done. Which makes it a good thing that I don't have to deal with her.
