Make Love in the Middle of a Warzone

[Pyrite]

I have a close friend who has lived a plane ride away for the last few years in a premium holiday location. He called tonight to tell me to take leave in a few weeks because he is flying me up there for a few days. We talked about it a few weeks ago, and I never got back to him with dates as I had promised.

*Way back then*, and a particularly bad day, was the first time I had spoken to him since BD. Today I was positively cheerful when we spoke. It even made me feel guilty for his offer to fly me up there which was based on his perception of last time we spoke that I was a total mess.

The truth is I still am. I had to vent earlier on Huddy’s thread because of the realisation that whilst my M was in a bad way, the OM that medicated my W away from her family is a heartless predator. My W confided in a “friend”, exposing her vulnerability. So her “friend” introduced her to her temporary VISA holding nephew from the Ukraine, and suggested she show him around. There are more details which illuminate his deceitful seduction of my W, but it is not really important. If I am still posting in a few years I will reveal the inevitable outcome.

Despite this hiccup, overall it was a great day.

I got the tentative go ahead from the bank to buy my W out of the family home. There are potential bugs in this whole deal, but on the whole I think it is done. I am going to keep my house as the sole owner . She is pushing hard to sell. This sits much better with.

I went on my daily pilgrimage to the ocean, wild, windy, cold. On the way I couldn’t stop talking to my W in my head. Which isn’t unusual. I got angry at myself. “Just stop this.” Lately the conversation is a rehearsal of what I will say to her when she tries to open up to me.

This is what I mean about “letting go” of the outcome. There is no reason to believe she ever will open up to me, so why do I waste my time thinking about what I might say to her. In general I want to tell her that it is not that simple. While she has been running around with OM, I have grown. I know what my problems are and I am working on them. I also understand better what it is that I truly want in a R. And THAT simply didn't exist in ours. I have NOT been simply waiting around for her.

I don’t want what we had. I am willing to discuss and work on these things together but I don’t believe she is genuinely ready for that. She is still medicating. Yardy YArda.

Then I think at least make this real Py. How will I act/react tomorrow night when I drop the girls off after my midweek visit. I want to be happy, light hearted. I haven’t even contemplated digging about the OM, the R, etc. for at least a month. This is a huge step in itself. I acknowledge how far I have come. How would I react if she asked “why I am so happy. You seem to be OK with this situation now.” This came up in another thread (Heart14?) somewhere. More useless rehearsal.

I get to the beach. Sit on the sand. And I am just smiling as I see the rainbow across the sky to the East. To the West there is a lone guy walking along the beach and I smile again. Then it hits me. The truth. All I have to tell her If she asks is the truth.

“I kinda like being single.”

There are so many things I can do now, that I never could before. There are so many things that are not dragging me down that were in the M. Sure, they are my problems as well that I have work on. But I am. For the first time in my life I feel like I am growing. I am in control and there is a future me, not just a future circumstance that I happen to be in.

One example is that I needed her to need me. I needed her approval. I needed her to want me. I took this way to far, to unhealthy levels, but as a desire to have in a R - this is not too much to ask.

Your partner should make you feel special and wanted. Maybe she genuinely didn't feel that way and so it was time to move on. Maybe she did and if I had’ve reacted more constructively, maturely, then we could have resolved our problems then. We didn’t. She didn’t. I didn’t. And this is where we are.

I forgive you. I will regress and be sad and angry and hate you. But for the first time I feel OK with it in my heart that I am not betraying myself at all to feel this way and say it out loud. I forgive you. And you know what else. I love you. And at least for this moment that doesn't tear me apart to feel that way. It is comforting.

Link to all threads
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=36973

[NDY]

I forgive you. I will regress and be sad and angry and hate you. But for the first time I feel OK with it in my heart that I am not betraying myself at all to feel this way and say it out loud. I forgive you. And you know what else. I love you. And at least for this moment that doesn't tear me apart to feel that way. It is comforting.

^^^That my friend is some powerful words.

[Pyrite]

Its an even better feeling NDY. I feel quiet inside. For the first time. My head and heart are not racing with anxiety. It is ~2.30AM here, but I dont want to sleep and lose this. I feel confident that it will come back again more often.

Thanks to everyone here without whom none of this would have been possible. It is truly heartwarming that such goodwill exists in the world. A bunch of strangers online that I feel to be my best friends and confidants.

[NDY]

Its an even better feeling NDY. I feel quiet inside. For the first time. My head and heart are not racing with anxiety. It is ~2.30AM here, but I dont want to sleep and lose this. I feel confident that it will come back again more often.

Thanks to everyone here without whom none of this would have been possible. It is truly heartwarming that such goodwill exists in the world. A bunch of strangers online that I feel to be my best friends and confidants.

I feel good for you man. I'm glad you feel this way. Very powerful stuff. Keeping up the momentum is the secrete. I feel more of an inner calm. A sense that everything will be just fine. I don't need her. I don't despair at her antics any more. It simply doesn't bother me.

I also agree that the human village is a truly wonderful thing. How you can confide in and be friends with someone you have never met, and most likely never will but we all wish each other the best and give each other a virtual hug whether the news is good or bad. Have a nice night mate and keep up the PMA.

[Burger]

That was a great read Pyrite. I feel like I'm starting to reach a similar place myself.

[Pyrite]

I can wholeheartedly recommend it I think it was just a magic day where things came together for me. I know from experience that I will backslide, but honestly I can't see myself going back to where I was and staying there for any protracted length of time.

thanks for stopping by.

[Huddy]

Way to go buddy! Mr Ukraine will lose interest when he gets his visa. Then what? Will W come back? Who knows, but it'll be on your terms. That's got to give you a sense of satisfaction, right?

Have a good one pal. Check in tomorrow.

[Pyrite]

Thanks Huddy.

I wouldn't say I don't care, but it isn't my focus. She might. It is hard to see her softening from the position she spits at me now that she HAD to get out of our "toxic marriage"(Rewriting history). But who knows.

I think a lot of this is stemming from my "resolution" with the house. I feel that I have some certainty in the future. Its not the future I was (am/will be) running around in pain, admonishing what was taken away from me, BUT it is my real *future*. And I can live with it. I can see myself in the house, with the girls.

One of the "bugs" in this deal is still the re-location issue I have talked about before. I may have to live for a few years in the negotiated re-location area. But I don't see this being a long term thing. When the girls are a bit older, the reality is that the re-location area is on my way to work almost. When they get to high school, well anything could happen by then.

*future* - apart from the above I feel a renewed appreciation for Cadets linked lighthouse story.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

No doubt because it is the actual house now.

Even so, she might want to comeback. She might not. I might be available/interested. I might not. I at least won't be in the spot that I am now.

Apart from bitching about our Ss, logistics, venting, stories etc, I/we/all of us talk about what is wrong with us, what we have to "fix". In the *future* where ^^^ is going to happen, I will be that person. Cadet is right my S has "GIVEN ME THIS GIFT OF TIME", to achieve all of those things and renew my appreciation of life. And in this *future* any of those ^^^ outcomes will be OK.

Now we just have to get there

[Pyrite]

thanks Cadet

[Smothy]

Pyrite, how wonderful to hear about your inner calm. I think this is the most important part of letting go, open to reconciliation but not waiting. Knowing we are going to be ok for now and the future.

It would be unrealistic for us to be out of our 'mess' completely.

For you to see that the old M and your old interaction with your W is not where you want to be is very Cathartic and stabilising.

I am beginning to drop my rose tinted glasses and see the negative dynamics H and I had. However, I am not I the place yet where I am truly detached.