Thanks for the warning about that. We both work at the same place - it's a pretty big place so I don't see her unless we plan to meet up. She had just seen me (GS vest handoff) and sent me a text with a suggestion of where to take it.
I waited about 20-30 minutes and replied - thnx
I will be mindful in the future, especially when I am not at work.
Yeah, keep it up Heavy. I also struggle with the going dark and interaction. The worried about being in friend zone vs. being a dick.
I have seen (and need to do much more of it) when I am busy and GAL, I am happier and naturally able to be dark. Not because I chose to, because it's what I'm supposed to do or to get back at her. Just because I'm not available, I'm having fun - as much as I can.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
You mentioned that W gained about 40 lbs...which was shocking to you. Not to me. Why? That is a sign of comfort eating after being depressed/in depression. MLC is very closely tied with depression.
Let's take a look at the friend zone comment for perspective.
In the beginning, your W was very angry and hateful to you with spews. It was a very dark place for everyone.
Now you two are communicating more civilly which is an improvement from being the enemy. One just doesn't shift from being the angry monster to right to ML in the bedroom. There has to be a process in between which, to you, seems to be extremely slow.
Hey, we all talk about baby steps here...right? Look for the positives and keep doing WHAT actually works. I think you've hit the magic formula of being polite, respectful, cordial while ignoring her spews/nasty texts.
I liked how you've added "thank you" , "appreciate it" in your texts. That is an improvement from your past terse responses.
I've been telling you all along that YOU do have influence on those interactions. Keep it up!
Hmmm.... maybe you are right Wonka. Maybe I have hit upon a middle ground of being polite and cordial and just shutting down spews. This does seem to bring out the better side of her and keeps the Monster at bay.
Heavy .. Wonka is right on this .. infact I think it was he who opened my eyes about the A-hole Husband Zone
Here is the thing, its only a window .. not a door .. keep that expectation thing in perspective and just as Wonka mentioned .. consider it a baby step, something to put in your hat knowing you are making progress. Like all things .. consistency, keep up this non-judgemental approach, unconditional, steady PMA .... you will have days when its frustrating but looking back this was key for me ... by no means am I waving a victory flag here, but I am so much closer to the 'goal' than I was and doing what you are doing was a big part of it.
Kill em with kindness is pretty much the motto, at first I did it because in a evil way it bugged her and that alone made me smile .. then it just became who I wanted to be, who I was before all this.
This is EXACTLY what she told me she wanted, several times now. DIVORCE, for us to be "friends" and CO-PARENTS.
I don't want to be her friend and that is why I worry I am slipping ino the friend zone.
But my inferences from the board are that I have to go through the friend portal to develop any deeper relationship. Correct? Friendly but not friends.
I think I am overthinking it (as usual). I will continue on with what is getting good results - polite, cordial exchanges either in person, text or email. I have had a lot of interaction with her lately
Mothers Day Lunch Facetime chime ins and participation Several texts about kids and tips Several email exchanges about kids and logistics.
No expectations, but for the most part - Monster is back in her cage.
