Cali, wow, wow, wow. Thank you. Ya know... I am trying so hard to go out and live. I just can't seem to get it right. I think I need a steadier pace. I am great when I gal... but tend to crash hard. Makes the emptiness echo. Seem magnified.
Maybe bc I'm a people person... being back in "society" is great for me... but then back to my reality is crushing. Before, I was in a cocoon... of denial, depression, whatever it was.
I say this, not in a downer way, but I guess just bc I'm finding my way. I realize that my life is totally different. In every way. Sometimes I am much more excited about it than others.
As far as them in my head space... I think its much, much less. I went through a period of keeping them off my mental grid. Yet, I guess, things can trigger it. Mother's Day, for example. That was one, for sure.
Currently, I think I am coming to a major point of frustration. Things are so overwhelming with my house at this point. I have some major decisions to make, along with some serious thousands to cough up... from where... I don't know. That is yet to be determined. And, the choices I make now will have to reflect choices for my future. And with everything so uncertain and unstable, I am feeling totally stressed.
I had a major vent about it today. Caught me off guard, but I think I let out a lot of things that... I hadn't formally illustrated in words. Or in my mind. Then, I slept for five minutes, got in the shower, and had a good cry.
I feel better.
My mom, the master of patience, acknowledge to me the other day, "You have had a lot of patience," regarding the home additions. My response, "Well, I think they've officially run out."
Maybe this is a good thing? Me.. miss confrontational... has been so passive about things for the last 2 yrs...
Over it.
This is now going on three years living like this.
Over it.
However, just got a text from contractor- coming tomorrow!!! Yes!
Now, on top of my Mother's Day set-back, stress from things going on with the house, there is also a lot going on with the kids, including s18's graduation, prom, and all that stuff. D14 & I are going on a trip in a couple of weeks.
And I got like 3 or 4 more emails from xh today. Just crap about s18.
Also, d14 has plans with him this weekend. They are going to the second most haunted place in the US. It goes late at night until like wee-early hours of the morning. I can't believe he is taking her.
Is it weird to say that it scares me to think what may attach themselves to him right now... and with my d there.. yikes.
Maybe I will send her with a rosary!
I wish they would do something different, but I am... staying out of it. What's even weirder... d14 is taking a friend (not a friend I'm a huge fan of... xh does not know her) and her dad said he wanted to go. So xh is taking him too! That is so not his style! But, if I can say anything, at least he is willing to do whatever to do something with her. Even if last time he was in a rush to get rid of her to "hurry home." Whatever.
It has been messing with me a little, if I'm honest. That head space thing... well... what the thoughts are in my head, anyway. I'm not even going to get into it. Not worth the finger use, either.
So- keep it real. That's the best thing I can to. And I realized last night, as my kids and I were at dinner and joking around, THAT's what makes me walk proud. Them.
