"She came here, because I wanted her to. It was her choice, but i still pushed it. Why am I so dumb. I had her calling me all the time and texting me daily. Yet I push things too quickly and now its awkward. I completely disagree with what she's doing and where she's staying but I always push things way too quickly because its what I, ME, T wants. Not necessarily what she wants."
Dear TLEE, this assumes there was a right thing you could have done that would have given you the outcome you wanted. Ok, fine, maybe you're like me and you're pushy. I'm sure it's annoying to live with. But it's not grounds for divorce by itself. She didn't have to come back. She made her choice. Why are you still trying to take responsibility for it all?
Something that has resonated with my heart (after it stung) - when someone wants to be with you, they will be. No excuses.
But ok. Let's say there was a magic DR spell you'd hit upon and your wife was moving back to you. It required you being not just changed-for-the-better TLEE, but inauthentic, nervous, a hollow shell of you to execute. What then? For how long?
I liked myself plenty when I met my H. I liked myself so much, he fell head over heels for me. I was twice as 'assertive,' sure footed, and I was twice as happy, too. I was full of color.
Throughout the course of our M, I've felt worn down and not good enough. All the things I liked about me upset him, left him dissatisfied and disappointed in the end, my strong points turned as attacks against my character. I wasn't gentle enough. I wasn't considerate enough of his thoughts he wasn't expressing. I 'pushed' when I could see he wasn't into something. I 'went too fast' for him, he 'couldn't keep up'. I was 'never satisfied'. I have started changing what needed a little tune up. But you know what? Neither you nor I need a personality overhaul. Translated - I am strong, respectfully assertive, I get my goals accomplished and I know exactly what I want to go after next. I forgot. I like these things about me.
What have you forgotten you liked about you??
You say your W isn't a solider. My H used to tell me he wasn't one of my athletes, or students, or employees. Well, fine. There was some validity in our spouses saying what they did. I am sure.
But YOU are valid, good, a being with a shining light just as you are. Her absence does not mean that you are not all of those things. Her absence doesn't mean that you're wrong or dumb or not worth loving and pursuing. You are. Just as you are.
I have a wonderful friend who reminds me, and I offer it to you - "you can make no wrong decisions. You are always just as you should be, where you should be, and making the best decision you can at the time."
Respect yourself for your journey to this point!
You can't control her actions or feelings about you, even if you DR perfectly.
You see yourself in my H. I see myself in you. I worked my a$$ off to show that I could change, I could be softer, less reactive (and I was), and my H came home - despite all of his verbal and emotional abuse, the physical intimidation - at the end of the day he just didn't have the heart for me anymore or desire to work on the marriage. And like you, I was wrecked twice as bad as when he left the first time. It was my couch and I was going to cry on it all day if I felt like it.
You reached out to me when I said I was happy, and I know it sounded like I was all over the place and going off my rocker. But each day I get happier, more at peace with the fact that (and I hope you will see this in your sitch, too) a R IS work - but I deserve to be with someone who wants to put in the work, also. I can't inspire that at a deep level - or beyond a momentary fleeting thing - if it's not in them.
TLEE, I'd hug you if I could. You are not my H; you WANTED your M, you are still standing for it. You are trying to change. That is the defining difference, despite whatever similarities you see. You are serious about you and your growth. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you need to. Offer yourself compassion.
If your W was to come back to your M yet again, would it erase the pain and insecurity? You can do that for yourself, without her. I promise. I tried the acupuncture 'tapping' thing and it helped if you want to google it.
Isn't that DR? We make our changes? Get happy? We give it our best shot, and heal (change, forgive ourselves) so we can enjoy our lives? It's not a method to repairing a M. It's only the best shot.
You are whole without your W; I know it doesn't feel that way. But you need her like a fish needs a bicycle.
I know that the biggest grief stems from feeling like we were fools, 'dumb' as you say, like we did the wrong things, lost the most beautiful love, said the wrong things, singlehandedly destroyed our M...but you know this isn't true!!!
You are TLEE and that is a good thing. You will love again (maybe your W, maybe not) and you'll be happy. Life is about so much more, and I'd grab you off that couch if I could
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
