Monday she had an "HR" emergency, and could I take the kids after GirlScouts to dinner until she gets finished? I said 'I would be happy to take the kids to dinner and drop them off at your place. I will text you when we are leaving. Would that work for you? I did not ask her what the HR emergency was as I would have done previously. It was none of my business.
Afterwards, I brought the kids back, unloaded their gear, took it to the front of the apartment door and met her there. We spoke for a little and I reviewed with her the problem our D6 had with GirlScouts and we had a united front on expected behaviors. That felt good and positive.
I am also replying to her emails with a "thank you" or "I appreciate it". It's always an email about the kids dong this or that or picking up something for the kids. if she has anything negative in the email or has a dig at me, I just don't respond. I have learned not to get baited into an argument.
So with this weight gain, what on earth? Is this a reaction to stress? Previously we went to Weight Watchers together weekly to work on keeping our weight under control. I have never seen her so heavy before and it's a little surprising to see. I guess it's mind reading and not helpful but I think she may be finding this separation thing hard (as I do) and this is how it is manifesting itself. For me, it was the opposite, I dropped 20 -30 lbs very quickly. I have regained some of it but still need to get me weight back up.
Confession time - when we met - we were both in other relationships that were rocky and or breaking up.
For me, my 6 year relationship had been rocky and I had moved out of town 100 miles away, and we had not been intimate in about 2 years, no affection, no hand holding, nothing. We had broken up several times, had dated others, etc... However, we still had not had the "we are officially breaking up talk" so I take responsibility for not oficially ending it before getting involved with WW.
WW was in a rocky relationship, they had broken up several times, she had moved out, moved back in, they had dated others, but again, they did not have the "break up talk" as far as I know until after I was on the scene.
To clarify, nobody was married, nobody had any kids, etc... We were all pretty young, but I was wrong in handling it the way I did. So maybe this is just this affair ending? I read that somewhere.
All of my W previous relationships were nefarious, all of them and all involved cheating or inappropriate relationships (authority figures, etc...) So clearly this is a pattern for W. She has never been on her own.
For me, I have only seriously dated 3 people and W was #3. We met when I was 30 and she seemed to want what I did, a relationship, and a chance to start a family in another state. I have had several periods where I did not have a GF and lived on my own or with roomates.
I just wanted to get that off my chest and to ponder how that affects my curent mess.
In my mind, it was as I hadn't officially ended it with my GF. I am ashamed of this fact and wish I had been mature enough to have dealt with it in a more mature way, that's all.
WW texted me today - wanted me to bring D6 GS vest so she could get patches sewn on. I met her at work, exchanged the vest (it was in my trunk) talked briefly but cordially. It really is like talking to a neighbor.
It was a positive interaction but I feel like I am getting put in the friend zone.
I have read by many here the only chance I have is thorugh "tough love", going dark, GAL, moving on, not enabling her, let the consequences fall on her, not doing stuff for her, not answering inconsequential texts or calls (unless about kids) etc..."
It feels like punishment from me - you know, "the angry controlling one" - "see you can't make it without me" and I don't want that perception at all. Won't she think that I am being even more controlling and calling all the shots?
I have read by many here the only chance I have is thorugh "tough love", going dark, GAL, moving on, not enabling her, let the consequences fall on her, not doing stuff for her, not answering inconsequential texts or calls (unless about kids) etc..."
It feels like punishment from me - you know, "the angry controlling one" - "see you can't make it without me" and I don't want that perception at all. Won't she think that I am being even more controlling and calling all the shots?
That's because you are not detached ... you do the above when you are detached and focused on living YOUR life .. she is living hers, this allows you to still honor your M but live your life "as if" she were not a part of it .. .which she isn't by HER choice. Its not punishment as you are not (should not) be using these tools as punishment, you are using them to grow and find yourself.
WW texted me today - wanted me to bring D6 GS vest so she could get patches sewn on. I met her at work, exchanged the vest (it was in my trunk) talked briefly but cordially. It really is like talking to a neighbor.
It was a positive interaction but I feel like I am getting put in the friend zone.
I recall around this time last year I posted a similar post. Someone told me ... "The friend zone is better than the A-Hole Husband zone"
Thanks for the post. No, I am not actively doing anything to "punish" her. I guess that is just my mind playing tricks on me and you are right - still working on the detachment issue. Good Lord this takes a lot of work. It's a never ending process.
I have backed completely off, I have given her space, have improved my politeness and cordial skills and trying very hard to get used to all of this.
GAL is hard for me but I continue to try. It just does not feel natural. This Friday I secured 3 basball tix from our church and we will go with our church group. I don't know any of these people, so that is a major GAL for me. That is way outside of my comfort zone but what else isn't these days.
More texts today - communication has picked up. Still feels like the friend zone but at least beter than the A-Hole controlling angry W.
That detachment is tough, its tough on its own then you hit a point where you play the push/pull game and its harder to stay detached, we all struggle with it so do not beat yourself up about it.
You will probably come to a point where you have to go dim, not out of anger, but because you are so darned busy having a life, enjoying yourself ... Kudos on the baseball game thats a good one, meet new people, put yourself out there and just enjoy it .. I have no doubt you will truly feel better .. those add up and start building inside and after a bit everyone will take notice of the new glow.
As far as the TM, I made the mistake of being 'to available' be careful of that ... your W is probably at a place where things are cool provided she can do her thing and you stay just where she left you ... its common, when they notice you are not there, out living your own life, it starts to get things moving ... just something for you to have in your tool box.
