Still, she is obviously still moving forward with D too. I simply need to remain calm and confident, taking advantage of my newfound free time, while being ready to seize opportunities to make small connections with STBX.
Remembering that sometimes, remaining strong, calm and confident requires you to be unavailable. Sometimes picking up the phone is the worse thing you can do. Watch out for the roller coaster. Stay away from high highs and low lows.
Mahhhty, Thanks for checking in. I'm glad your weekend away was a success.
You are 100% right about being available to STBX. I am trying to do a better job not replying to insignificant texts and letting some of her calls go to voicemail.
Journaling:
STBX sent a few texts/pics this AM of kids. I briefly respond. She also sent a text making a recommendation for a location where I could hold my next philosophy discussion group. I never got around to responding to that one.
Then, an hour or so later, STBX texted to ask if I would watch kids next week so she could go to a follow up doctors appointment. I reply that I would. I ask her if she's ok. She says its just to run some precautionary blood tests.
I text: "Oh no! I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You can always call if you want to talk about it."
STBX replies: "Thanks so much. I noticed it on my lab work the day of my surgery. I've been really tired so I wanted to get an update." --- How'd I do? Any feedback? I know the correspondence is brief but it's all I have to analyze at this time.
On a GAL front, really enjoyed the third meeting last night of the discussion group I started. It feels really good to get back to doing something I feel passionate about. Also, I'm pretty stoked that a friend loaned me a corn hole set for my camping trip this weekend.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Defacto, looks like you are doing well. This is something I need to start applying and being ready for in my sitch as I move out next week. How to embrace the limited conversation/interactions we have and keep the PMA, while GAL and working on my 180.
Keep writing - you are more of an inspiration than you know!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Defacto, looks like you are doing well. This is something I need to start applying and being ready for in my sitch as I move out next week. How to embrace the limited conversation/interactions we have and keep the PMA, while GAL and working on my 180.
Keep writing - you are more of an inspiration than you know!
Rip, Thanks brother! That means a lot. Just trying to apply the feedback I've received here.
I've been following your sitch closely these past few days. I know you've been having a tough go as of late. Stay strong and focused! I feel that you are going to really benefit from moving out in a few days.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Rip... without hijacking too much. meet everything with a PMA even if you have to fake it. Act as if... no matter what.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
What advice would u give with moving out and having us in separate places? What all seems to be helping and things to prepare for?
Rip, My STBX moved out so I can't help with the logistics or legality of that unfortunately.
Good advice above from Mahhhty.
What's helped me deal with the mess of everything is thought stopping and GAL'ing. Whenever big bad thoughts start creeping in, I just tell myself that I can use this time for self reflection, self improvement, and self discovery. I try to exercise every day, go out with friends a couple times a week, volunteer, read self help books, go for lunch time hikes, started going to a church that I always wanted to go to, go to concerts, joined an existing discussion group, and started my own discussion group. When I have the kids, I try to plan fun and memorable things for us to do. I have also updated my wardrobe to make sure I'm always looking my best. Basically, I have tried to capitalize on the gift of time that STBX has given me. This has translated into a calmness and confidence, where I know I will be okay no matter what transpires.
I would prepare you for your W initially missing you. I know it will be hard, but take this in stride and don't let this impact your detachment, LRT, etc. Prepare to be lonely at first, but I am usually able to distract myself with chores around the house.
For a funny, yet sadly true, take on our newfound freedom and independence, check out the lyrics to Wilco's "Hate It Here."
"I try to stay busy I do the dishes, I mow the lawn I try to keep myself occupied Even though I know you're not coming home
I try to keep the house nice and neat I make my bed I change the sheets I even learned how to use the washing machine But keeping things clean doesn't change anything
What am I gonna do when I run out of shirts to fold? What am I gonna do when I run out of lawn to mow? What am I gonna do if you never come home? Tell me, what am I gonna do?
I hate it I hate it here When you're gone
I caught myself thinking I caught myself thinking once again Have to try to keep my mind out of this Try not to pretend
I'll check the phone I'll check the mail I'll check the phone again and I call your mom She says you're not there and I should take care
I hate it here When you're gone I hate it I hate it here When you're gone
I try to stay busy I take out the trash, I sweep the floor Try to keep myself occupied Cause I know you don't live here anymore"
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Awesome - thanks guys. I come to you because, Defacto, you seem to be a couple steps ahead of me, with so much working for you! Keep it up - I love being able to bounce ideas and stories off you and appreciate your continued support and feedback.
Hijacking over.
Last edited by Ripken8; 05/13/1507:47 PM.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
Last night, STBX texted me a video of the kids, sent me an Instagram pic of her with D4, and initiated a FaceTime chat last night. For one reason or another, I didn't respond to any of these.
This morning, STBX called as she was driving D4 to school. I asked about the kids. She commented on how she tried to FaceTime with me last night. I replied that I was sorry I missed that but didn't give her an explanation why. STBX told me that D4 hurt her fingers last night and wanted to talk with me. We talked about D4's "injury" and told her I was thankful her mother was a nurse.
We chatted some more about the kids. I was on speakerphone the whole time so I could hear D4 saying that she loves me in the background. STBX remarked that D4 has really been missing me these past few days.
We joked a little bit about an outstanding bill with AT&T and how their customer service is abysmal.
I began to wrap up the call and thanked STBX for calling. I told her that hearing from the kids really brightened my day.
A minute after the call ended, STBX texts me a quote from D4.
"He's a great dad."
Then, STBX asked me if I watched the video she texted me last night.
If anything, it was great to hear that D4 was really missing me and excited to see me. Early on in the separation, D4 was seriously favoring STBX. It makes me feel good to see that all my parenting efforts are paying off.
Anyway, really looking forward to my vacation, time with the kids, and camping trip with D4 on Sunday!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
"You know the tragic thing about divorce? I think we are kinder to each other now than we were together and work better as a team dividing and conquering tasks than ever before. It's sad. I miss you and will always love you. "
Quick, how should I respond?
I think I should say something like: "Thanks. It is tragic. I agree with what you said."
Thoughts?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
