I have a close friend who has lived a plane ride away for the last few years in a premium holiday location. He called tonight to tell me to take leave in a few weeks because he is flying me up there for a few days. We talked about it a few weeks ago, and I never got back to him with dates as I had promised.
*Way back then*, and a particularly bad day, was the first time I had spoken to him since BD. Today I was positively cheerful when we spoke. It even made me feel guilty for his offer to fly me up there which was based on his perception of last time we spoke that I was a total mess.
The truth is I still am. I had to vent earlier on Huddy’s thread because of the realisation that whilst my M was in a bad way, the OM that medicated my W away from her family is a heartless predator. My W confided in a “friend”, exposing her vulnerability. So her “friend” introduced her to her temporary VISA holding nephew from the Ukraine, and suggested she show him around. There are more details which illuminate his deceitful seduction of my W, but it is not really important. If I am still posting in a few years I will reveal the inevitable outcome.
Despite this hiccup, overall it was a great day.
I got the tentative go ahead from the bank to buy my W out of the family home. There are potential bugs in this whole deal, but on the whole I think it is done. I am going to keep my house as the sole owner . She is pushing hard to sell. This sits much better with.
I went on my daily pilgrimage to the ocean, wild, windy, cold. On the way I couldn’t stop talking to my W in my head. Which isn’t unusual. I got angry at myself. “Just stop this.” Lately the conversation is a rehearsal of what I will say to her when she tries to open up to me.
This is what I mean about “letting go” of the outcome. There is no reason to believe she ever will open up to me, so why do I waste my time thinking about what I might say to her. In general I want to tell her that it is not that simple. While she has been running around with OM, I have grown. I know what my problems are and I am working on them. I also understand better what it is that I truly want in a R. And THAT simply didn't exist in ours. I have NOT been simply waiting around for her.
I don’t want what we had. I am willing to discuss and work on these things together but I don’t believe she is genuinely ready for that. She is still medicating. Yardy YArda.
Then I think at least make this real Py. How will I act/react tomorrow night when I drop the girls off after my midweek visit. I want to be happy, light hearted. I haven’t even contemplated digging about the OM, the R, etc. for at least a month. This is a huge step in itself. I acknowledge how far I have come. How would I react if she asked “why I am so happy. You seem to be OK with this situation now.” This came up in another thread (Heart14?) somewhere. More useless rehearsal.
I get to the beach. Sit on the sand. And I am just smiling as I see the rainbow across the sky to the East. To the West there is a lone guy walking along the beach and I smile again. Then it hits me. The truth. All I have to tell her If she asks is the truth.
“I kinda like being single.”
There are so many things I can do now, that I never could before. There are so many things that are not dragging me down that were in the M. Sure, they are my problems as well that I have work on. But I am. For the first time in my life I feel like I am growing. I am in control and there is a future me, not just a future circumstance that I happen to be in.
One example is that I needed her to need me. I needed her approval. I needed her to want me. I took this way to far, to unhealthy levels, but as a desire to have in a R - this is not too much to ask.
Your partner should make you feel special and wanted. Maybe she genuinely didn't feel that way and so it was time to move on. Maybe she did and if I had’ve reacted more constructively, maturely, then we could have resolved our problems then. We didn’t. She didn’t. I didn’t. And this is where we are.
I forgive you. I will regress and be sad and angry and hate you. But for the first time I feel OK with it in my heart that I am not betraying myself at all to feel this way and say it out loud. I forgive you. And you know what else. I love you. And at least for this moment that doesn't tear me apart to feel that way. It is comforting.
. She is pushing hard to sell. This sits much better with.