Well Tulo, he's in the fog, well and truly. I wish I had some of those actions to make me feel something good was going to happen. I think you might have made an error in going to bed with him, but you need somebody like Sandi to clarify that.
Look after yourself.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Things just went from bad to worse.. If things weren't bad enough, one of my darling dogs took ill today and went to the vet just to find out he has a failing liver and just days to live. He's 9 � and I bred him myself, we've won the World Dog Show together and he truly is the four legged king of my heart.. (If you're not a dog lover this might sound silly, but I've cried like mad for hours today and I just feel like everything is falling down around me and now I have to loose him as well.. )
Ok, enought about that..
What do you mean his in a fog? Maybe that is a saying I'm not familiar with, since I live in Sweden, but what does it mean?
I know it was bad to sleep with him, but everything was so sad and somehow that triggered it..
Haven't been around reading in the forum since before the weekend, things have been going non-stop.. How are you doing dear Huddy?
Promise I'll try to take care of myself, you too..
Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Now I "just" have to love him back to me somehow..
Tulo, I'm so sorry to hear. I had three dogs that were such a big part of my life. My chocolate lab was a big stuffed animal. He was overprotective but loved me like I was his mother. My yellow lab was so enthusiastic, he knew the dog park and when I took him there and he saw where we were going he would just start shaking because he was so excited. And my golden retriever, she had a heart of gold, and it was obvious she did everything she could to be a 'good dog'.
All three of those animals passed away in the same year. It really was the end of a loving era in my household.
It's ok to suffer. It means your time with your man and your animal meant a lot to you. I don't think that's anything to be ashamed of.
As for your quote, no, you can't love him back. He's gone on his own journey now. Continuing to love a man that doesn't return your love will only lower your own self worth. And he's trying to get distance to rediscover his life without you. The more available you are the further he has to travel.
Time to get some space. I recommend telling him you think it's best to limit to email/text only for a while and communicate only as needed until you can redefine your relationship as platonic. That might be 2 weeks, 2 months, or longer...but it is a necessary step. You may feel he's confliceted- he is feeling the loss, but his decision is clear. You can't tempt him back. You have to let him sort this one through.
PS- if you don't have a DB coach PLEASE get one asap. Seriously.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
No, I'm not into dogs, but I understand the pain that this must be giving you. I'm sorry to hear about it, they have obviously been giving you some moral support.
The fog is from Sandi. If you read her posts, you'll see about the fog. I just don't see how jumping into bed with him is going to help. He's pushing you away, but wants the fringe benefits of your relationship. You've got to say no to that. I haven't had sex for two months, but W is pushing me away, so how would a session in bed help if the end result is she still doesn't want me?
I think waht Zeus says makes sense. He needs/you need to give it some space. OK, you want the relationship to go on, at the moment, he doesn't seem to know. He's not going to work that out if he can pull your heart strings when it suits.
First - look after yourself. Second - look after your dogs. Third - get some space and let him make the next move.
I'll keep popping in, if you don't mind. I hope Sweden is sunny today!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Lovely to hear about your dog's Zeus! It hurts like hell to lose them though.. My boy and I share our last day today, he's a flat coated retriever and loves water and today he's been swimming in the river and eating all the treats he loves.. Tomorrow is going to be hard, very hard!
I know I can't do anything about the situation with my ex at the moment. And I know I have no right to expect anything from him but it hurts that he hasn't reached out when I'm loosing my darling dog. He's liked a picture of him on FB but that is it.. But that's just the way it is..
I haven't got a coach.. Can I have that when I don't live in the US?
It's 3 1/2 weeks until he leaves for the US for 5 weeks of work. He said he might come with me when I run next weekend, but I won't contact him about it, if he calls he calls..
I think my only hope at this point is to go dark and hope he misses me when he's alone in a hotel a world away. The 2 previous times he was there we spoke like 5-6 times a day. He had a heard time being away from home and it felt better when we spoke..
So I think that is pretty much all I can do know, what do you think dear Zeus?
All my best! Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
Thanks for your reply, and you're right.. It is very hard. He's still so exuberant and it's hard to understand it's over..
No, having sex with him was probably not a good idea.. But all was so sad and on the edge that it felt right in the moment. Won't do it again though, if I get the chance.. I will search for stuff on the fog and see if I can make heads or tails of it.
I'm so happy if you stop by Huddy!! Did I get it right that you are in the UK?
I will look after myself, my dogs and I will absolutely let him make the next move. I'm just scared that it won't come..
Will read up on your tread as well, so I see where you're at! Big hug!
M: 44 H: 43 ILYBNILWY: 7/4-15 Decided to try to reconnect. "This doesn't work, I have no feelings": 20/4-15 Scheduled "talk" :9/5-15 It's over: 9/5
The fog is in Sandi2's posts which I think are sticky in this sub board.
I hope you don't think I was being judgemental. What felt right for you was what happened. I just think your H is 'having his cake and eating it' at the moment. I guess you don't know what he's doing when he's not with you, so it just seems wrong he can walk back into your life, take all the good stuff (let's face it sex is good) and then run away saying he doesn't know what he wants.
Going dark is probably easier for you as he's not at home.
If he doesn't come back, it's his loss. You're better than that!
Catch up soon.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Tulo, sorry to hear the talk did not go well. I think for the majority of us, that was the same result we all experienced from the talk in the early days of BD.
The best thing you can do now is detach from him which will be hard. I am finding this to be the hardest thing I have ever done. You will not be able to love him back, I have tried that and it just pushes them further away.
I am working in a place with a 11+ hour difference to central time and I am able to schedule a call with a DB coach. It has helped me tremendously for someone to 'talk me' through my situation and give me a different perspective.
Big hugs from a fellow hugger ((((Tulo)))). Take care of yourself.
Last edited by Smothy; 05/13/1503:04 PM.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
