I am looking forward to an adult relationship. But I think the majority of adults are carrying all these flaws we are trying to resolve. Prospective partners are likely to have medicated their way out of similar R breakdowns and run straight to them if/when problems arise again. Should we then impose our "much better" way to grow out of them? Wouldn't that be "like" controlling again.
One of my big problems in my M was my impossible expectations. I have been the type to accept nothing less than perfection or death trying. I put myself through hell but thought it was a winning formula because I was a champion.
What I found out is that doesn’t work in an M. Because I put my W through hell. She was so close to me I thought of her as part of me. So I ended up treating her as I treated myself, trying to drive her to higher levels. But that’s MY m.o., not hers. Yes, I don’t mind intense pressure, I thrive on it, it spurs me to great things. But for her, she just wanted to be accepted as she was, the way she was. She felt unloved because I didn’t accept her for herself, and felt controlled by my drive to get her to “step up” as a W. I felt like she wasn’t trying because she wasn’t doing any of the things I do when I’m giving 100%. I felt like I was on a team with someone that wasn’t trying. It drove me crazy. I am used to driving until exhaustion, then driving further. She seemed so apathetic, so willing to accept a poor M, so disengaged.
But I have learned that my desire for a GREAT marriage destroyed the possibility of having a good one. Who knows what it could’ve been if I had been able to accept her for who she was. Who knows how rewarding it could’ve been if I had been able to be satisfied, vs. constantly trying to find ways to make it better. I don’t. Maybe it couldn’t have worked. Maybe when one person wants to do great things as a partnership and one person doesn’t want to put effort into it that’s irreconcilable differences. I don’t know. But I don’t think so.
So I’m trying to let go of my expectations of a great M in my future, and I’m trying to practice finding acceptance for my partners flaws, and the pain that I feel because of them. Maybe my pain will be less if I accept it as normal. Maybe I can live with mediocrity in some areas of my life. I’m going to have to figure this one out, because honestly Py and DB forum readers, it would be nearly impossible for me to be paired with someone that sets the bar as high as me or drives as hard as me to get there.
You’re right Py, there is only one way to find out. I just want to practice for when the time comes. I don’t know that I’m setting myself apart by doing this. Maybe it’s just more of the same, me trying to achieve the impossible. Maybe medicating, rebounding, and settling for some dysfunction would actually be a healthy step because it would mean letting go of my desire for something glorious, spectacular, and unrealistic for most partners.
So yeah, lots to sort through for me. Thanks for letting me talk it out. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to work where I’m not on a team with anyone and I can go manifest my drive and destroy some goals.
Last edited by Zues126; 05/12/1506:24 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
So great to hear about all of your success and happiness Zues, I've followed a lot of what you've written on here and it's been a big help.
Sounds like your growing inner confidence is extending into your career success and will continue to do so. As corny as it sounds, people like to do business with people that they like! And if you're happy and keeping a positive attitude, that's going to show up in every aspect of your life.
Keep it up man!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
it would be nearly impossible for me to be paired with someone that sets the bar as high as me or drives as hard as me to get there.
and my guess is it would be nearly impossible for the two of you to remain paired! I suspect there would be so much friction, you'd be lighting fires where you walked
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
So I’m trying to let go of my expectations of a great M in my future, and I’m trying to practice finding acceptance for my partners flaws, and the pain that I feel because of them. Maybe my pain will be less if I accept it as normal. Maybe I can live with mediocrity in some areas of my life. I’m going to have to figure this one out, because honestly Py and DB forum readers, it would be nearly impossible for me to be paired with someone that sets the bar as high as me or drives as hard as me to get there.
If there's anything I've learned in DBing and being out in the dating world, it's this:
It is a matter how how much baggage you're willing to tolerate in another partner. We all have baggage in some form. Some are messier than others. Not only baggage that we have to look out for, but also being 100% responsible for any potential red flags that crop up. If you overlook them or push them aside, then it's on you.
In some ways, I've cut others some slack because we are ALL trying our best in this crazy world. This is not to say that I am willingly ignoring any potential red flags that will send me running for the hills.
it would be nearly impossible for me to be paired with someone that sets the bar as high as me or drives as hard as me to get there.
and my guess is it would be nearly impossible for the two of you to remain paired! I suspect there would be so much friction, you'd be lighting fires where you walked
Funny, I meant it would be impossible for me to find someone anything like me. But now that I see the double meaning I think that's true as well. Shoot, if I DID have a partner like me we'd either cure aids or have simultaneous heart attacks on our 2 week anniversary...;)
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
