I hear you Wonka, The fact is I can start making much better money at this job given time and experience. The problem is that nothing happens overnight. I know I can do this job really well. It will just take me time to build up clients and get referrals, that sort of thing. My boss is expecting me to master everything without having any experience. I'm worried that he is so angry that the other people who work there haven't started doing as well as HE thinks they should, he is taking it out on me as well.
Right now I am in emergency mode. Tonight I saw my wife when I picked up my D19. She was angry and said she wanted to speak with me alone. We went outside and she said "Why didn't you tell me that you knew D15 was cutting herself before I found out?". I looked at her and said what is she talking about. She said that her counselor called and said that D15 "has a plan in place" to kill herself. She is going to take pills apparently. Then STBXW went on a spew about how my D19 "told you that she thought D15 was cutting herself and you did nothing!". I told her that D19 said a few days before STBXW found the cuts on D15's leg, that a lot of girls her age cut and maybe that was what was up with her sister. I had planned on talking to her and asking to see her arms when she came back to stay with me.
Of course Miss MLCer of the year didn't want to "believe" that, that I "lie all the time" and I should have called her right away when D19 said that. She went on to say that D15 isn't "safe" with me because I have "pills all over the house" (where that gem came from I have no idea) and that she doesn't trust that D15 is safe with me anymore. That she talks to her and I just ignore her. That she doesn't believe anything I say. She was on a total spin. Just because D19 said that she and I talked about D15 maybe cutting herself. I tried to stay calm and did for the most part until she kept pushing. STBXW said that D15 hates being with me which is why she wants to stay with her (the reason is because she is always alone and can do whatever she wants and never has to see her mother) that when she's with me "All you do is stay in your room and watch TV and leave her alone. When she's with me we do things together, have dinner and "clean together"" Now, how they have dinner together is beyond me since she works late or is out with her friends every night until 9:00 but I bet her 15 year old just LOVES cleaning together!
At that point I lost it a bit and said that the reason D15 wants to stay there is because she's alone and can do whatever she wants and never has to see her. This is the woman who never and I mean NEVER took either of her D's anywhere or did anything with them for YEARS now. I had to take D19 to get her prom dresses for God's sake because her mother couldn't be bothered. Now she is saying both my girls are UNSAFE with me. Of course D19 told me that before D15's cutting was discovered, STBXW told her she thought D15 might be on drugs. She never called me and said "I think D15 is on drugs"so should I say that she is UNSAFE with her mother?
I wasn't going to tell her mother that she was cutting herself unless I knew she was. Simply because her mother would over react and make things worse. Now, if I KNEW she was I definitely would have told her. To this STBXW said "You are such a liar! You lie about EVERYTHING! You have stolen my life and I wasted my life taking care of YOU!" This from the woman who didn't work for 80% of our M, who was "Too sick" to get out of a chair for years, then went to work and stopped being anything close to either a W or mother!
The last thing D15 needs is this crap. I have tried to be nice, never say anything bad about their mother to either of the girls, put myself out so D19 could see her mom since she only saw her 3 times in the last year! No, I'm a danger to them both because I didn't call her and tell her that a 19 year old said that girls her age cut themselves so we should check that out right away. And now she's going to try and keep my D15 and I apart!
So, tonight I emailed D15's counselor and told him that from now on, he has to keep me informed about everything that is going on with D15. That STBXW and I have JOINT custody and both of us must be kept informed about anything, like that she has a "plan" on how to kill herself. That STBXW has now accused me of witholding info when I didn't and is saying that D15 isn't "safe" with me. That this is not what D15 needs right now. I went on to say that at this point I think it would be a good idea to have a meeting with the whole family in an environment where her parents aren't making wild accusations about her "safety". That what's important now is what's best for D15.
STBXW must by now understand that it was her actions that caused D15 to be where she's at now. That her choices have led D15 to be exactly where she's at now. Ex even said "D15's whole life is totally changed, you know how hard that must be for her". Yes, I do actually. This is why you just don't walk away from a 20 year M, destroy a family, move a 14 year old away from everything she has ever known and ignore her and let her [censored] eating grand father scream at her until she goes into her room and cuts herself. (That was the first time D15 cut herself. When her GF wouldn't stop yelling at her that she needed to be "nicer" to her mother). If D15 is "unsafe" it's with her mother, not me.
Today started with STBXW getting on me to sign the Final Decree which I just got last week. I told her I would do it, I just have to find time I can get out of work and that bugged her. She wanted me to do it RIGHT NOW and I just don't jump for her anymore. The way she is acting is the worst possible way for her to act when D15 is this upset, this much in crisis. She has no idea what she is doing and doesn't care. What is best for D15 doesn't cross her mind, only what she wants does. I have been there for my kids while she has done nothing but act like a 15 year old herself. Now she is going to put a 15 year old who is already on the edge in the middle of a custody nightmare where she is going to try and keep us apart. I can't stand much more of this. She destroyed me financially, ruined any chance I had at making my business work, stole my life, lied, spent all my retirement money while keeping hers. She will not be satisfied until her D actually kills herself and will blame me when it happens.
Wonka you are right about her and her daddy. She has become him as he always blamed her mother when her and her brother acted out. She is going to go crazy when he dies (crazier) and part of me is glad. I will protect my D's, they know who cares and who doesn't. For the first time I actually wish her ill will. I want her gone, not just from my life but from my D's lives as well. She is as lost and as she can be and is getting farther and farther from reality. I now know how love can turn to hate, something I never thought would happen.
I need my friends now. I need you guys to talk me down because neither me nor D15 can afford for me to be anything but clear headed. My D's need me, I need to stay calm and centered and right now I'm on the ragged edge of losing it.
