Zephyr, I am so sorry that it was a tough day for you. I just read your post and gave a sarcastic laugh because I wrote something similar on my thread today. It is so hard to just focus on GALing and 180s. We, humans, are staged to seek answers and find solutions. While I tend to see DBing working, it is so VERY hard to not want to know the absolutes.
DBing teaches us to live in the grey a little, to accept uncertainty, and to stride forward despite that. We want black and white. I truly think to be happier in life we have to accept that life is not able to be controlled and the harder we try to control it and make it black or white, the more chaotic it becomes.
Keeping the PMA up is difficult for us all, but I believe eventually (God, I hope so!) it will not be an act and we will be stronger, more stable, and much happier people. It is very true what Cadet says. We have been given the gift of time and should use it. It's just so very hard to do.
I will say an extra prayer for you tonight and keep you in my thoughts.
*hugs*
E
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
I echo my friend Eirinn's sentiments exactly. You really had a tough day. You have helped me feel better so many times. You have a huge, loving heart. None of us know you personally, but it shows in your kind and caring posts to us. Many times, a post from you has brought a smile to my face.
I know it's NOT easy, but try not to get too discouraged.
Also, I will say a prayer dedicated just to you. (I know, Eirinn, I'm a copy-cat).
Hang tough, I know you can do it!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Grey will be hard to deal with. that is not how my brain works, so this crisis will hopefully help with that, no doubt in my mind. Thank you for the insight, you are absolutely right...ONE of the many benefits of DB is how to deal with lack of control in our life.
We are no longer invulnerable, we've been trying to shape our lives that way and instead it turned into a prison for us and our spouses.
I did not sleep well again last night, wife slept right next to me...was an inch away...arms touching sometimes, yet i felt as if she was a 1/2 a state away. She has been sleeping RIGHT next to me way more times than not at night in this last stretch of months so i take that as an encouraging sign (we have a king so there is no issue with space). I have been taking the position that if she wants to touch then great, if not...so be it (easier said than done without question). Not measuring day-to-day activites / reactions / behaviors is very hard.
My IC said that Co-dependance is something that will take a long time to break. it is difficult not to discuss this topic with the wife, it affects so many aspects of my life...which is why i know it needs to stop the behavior.
I have been reading all morning about excersizes that i can do to 'live with uncertainty'. I would have never pegged myself as a control freak...thought it was perfectionist. maybe that term has a terrible connotation, but there it is.
so Uncertainty of the future is not a behavior, but trying to control the outcome of my life certainly is. learning to accept the outcomes no matter what i do certainly is. accepting those outcomes is a behavior. I can work on my behaviors, learn to accept things.
How many of you guys have utilized meditation for centering your focus, for helping with the worry, anxiety, stress of not-knowing what will happen?
I use meditation daily and actively practice Buddhism. The things I love about it is, it's not meant to be about belief, but about behavior - try it and see if it works for you - like DB.
One of the fundamental principals is that suffering is caused by trying to seek satisfaction in things that are inherently impermanent - we cannot control this.
So relationships, actions, promises, life, finances, plans, expectations, etc - all of these things are our downfall when we grow attached to them and we grow disappointed or suffer when they fall apart, which they always do in one way shape or form because they are all not permanent.
These are things I try to remember and focus as I meditate. It normally does help and calm, but as always, it's tough to have your brain/logic be on the same page as your heart/emotions.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
As a person with PTSD, meditation does not work for me, but grounding exercises do. They get me through those tough grey periods, mostly. Being on here helps with the rest!
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Curious - do you ever try to initiate affection with your W the way she has been with you? Spontaneous, loving...doesn't sound like she's cringing anymore. Us girls like a bit of pursuit of we're into you.
When is that disclosure session, or has it been scheduled?
Thinking of you buddy.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
No disclosure session set up. She has no interest in IC.
As for affection...I have been trying very cautiously to pursue only a tiny little bit. It is something that I need to be careful with but I have done a little...i have this feeling that she believe all I ever wanted her was for sex. I have been trying to promote nonsexual touch... But, must be careful. Big fear with this is that she still does not truly trust me yet.
I've been wondering how you are doing. I meditate when I have time and do find that it helps calm me, at least for a few hours.
Touch is such an important human need. I would go with your gut instinct on this for about 2 weeks and take it cautiously. You may want to add a sincere compliment at the same time. If it seems to help, keep doing it. If it seems to push her further away, stop. Good old DB principle.
Please don't give up!!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
i woke up from a terrible dream this AM at 0300 and just layed there until alarm went off at 0600 stewing. i have had that so many times it is not fun or productive or healthy. how do you keep the hurt out of your head, even when you are sleeping.
Last few days, wife has been very cold. no statements to me out of the ordinary small talk. she has blown up at the kids a few times, but they are pre-teens and that is not abnormal, i guess. She gets p-o'd at them for the same things that she used to get mad at me for how she viewed our interactions. it appears that she gets mad at them when they don't respond right away to her requests. she gets mad if they interrupt her. she gets mad if they do not respond to her in the way she wants. (she hates incomplete answers, where you would think that she could figure out what you mean from your response, but she responds very acutely when 'she has to mind read' to get the answers). I think for a while these responses from her to me were once things were too late and she had, 'had it'. it was spew-ish. TO be fair, i was guilty of interrupting and such. these are items that i'd recognized and worked on for over a year and had not heard complaints like this for a while now.
I have been trying to work with the kids on being respectful in the responses and such, it is hard for a 10 year old to understand what i'm getting at.
