Have I shared with the Board our son is a cancer survivor? When he was 2 he was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. We spent about a year in and out of hospitals, cheotherapy, surgeries. It was a horriffic experience. That is when the cracks appeared in our M.
My WW started an EA with a "friend" online that was pretty dramatic. I discovered it and was very upset to know when our S was in the hospital possibly dying, she was having an EA. She denied it of course, said she just needed a friend, we went to counseling, etc... That was 7 years ago.
We had a D6 when our S9 was declared cancer free and was 3 years old.
I felt like I had been given a second chance by God, got baptised, accepted Jesus into my life and asked him to forgive me of my sins, thanked him for not taking my S9, baptised our kids, started going to church, volunteered, just being thankful to God and the Universe for my family and WW. I was trying to pay it back you know, be a better person to thank God and the Universe for my second chance.
Everything seemed to be going so well and then bomb drop.
So, yes, I am a sensitive soul, have been through the wringer, came out stronger, but now another huge challenge.
That's probably the "lesson" is that how we handle the challenges life throws us. Do we give up? Do we fall apart? Do we collapse?
No, the measure of the man (woman) is how we conduct ourselves through really tough situations.
We hold our heads high, carry on to the best of ability, adjust our attitudes, try to improve on our weaknesses, and pray for better days.
So today I went to Girl Scouts and took the kids to dinner after. We had a nice time. I text my WW to come downstairs from her apartment to let them in as I pull into her apartment complex. I unload them from the car, get their gear, take it to the lobby door. The WW and I make polite chit chat. She thanked me for taking them to diner and we talked about D6's behavior issue at GS. We had a unified front with regard to her behavior which felt good.
It was still sunny when I dropped them off and my WW was in sweat pants and a tee shirt. I got a good look at her and she has gained about 40 lbs, seriously. Her stomach and legs are huge. I have never seen her this overweight before, ever. She and I used to do Weight Watchers weekly to stay in shape.
I was shocked but of course did not say anything. I have not noticed before because she almost always wears a jacket and a scarf around her neck and front.
I have no idea what this weight gain means but it was shocking to see. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with heavy folks but this weight gain in a short amount of time was surprising.
I was cleaning out my office desk drawer and there was a card from my WW. It was from last year and I couldn't help but read it. I probably should not have done that.
Anyway, very quiet - no contact on either side. It's weird but I still expect her to call on the phone.
Trying to keep a PMA but I admit it comes and goes. Maybe that is normal, I don't know.
No word from L and no word on her D filing. So basically a game of wait and see. Frustrating.
Isn't that interesting how people process stress - some eat and some starve.
I can FaceTime my kids which is great. I talked both to my s and d via FaceTime and its a pretty good way to feel more connected.
Here's my question-
When we talk - the WW chimes in or answers a question or comments on our conversations. It's like we are talking but not really. I am polite and will answer back any questions but it feels pretty weird. Its as if we are talking by proxy.
Should I stop answering her questions? Should I continue just being polite but distant. Should I just mirror her mood and convos? Should I just start talking to her? Hmmmm.....
HD - I think you're letting your W have too much real-estate in your head. I think you're taking things too personally --- and I know it's hard not to. I agree with the poster who said that W is reflecting her problems back on you. My IC has said similar things to me as well.
Hello Heavy,
I haven't been on the board much the last few days, but I sure have been thinking about you. I loved what Calibri posted to you -- especially what I quoted above. I am not an IC, but I firmly believe that your W is reflecting her problems back on you. My IC has also said that to me about my WAW. If you recall, she has MS and was unhappy with her life because of the disease.
OMG! I don't recall seeing you post about your S being a cancer survivor. What an emtionally draining time that must've been for both of you. It shows me how resilient you are!! You can make it thru this but I feel it's still going to take more time that you would like.
You are such a loving soul, and I understand how badly you want to R with your W. Keep fighting for your M as long as you feel you want to!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Hang in there Heavy! I've been going through a down period too with uncertainity on the wife. The lawyers back and forth with no word and wait-and-see is very stressful.
Keep spending time with your children, the GAL activities, reflect on the person you want to be and as painful as it is, allow yourself to process things.
You continue to be an inspiration to me and others. As you have good days, it helps me to remember there will be some for me in the future. As you have setbacks, it helps me to see you are human and I'm not alone when they happen to me.
You are in my thoughts and I continue to wish nothing but the best for you!
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
When we talk - the WW chimes in or answers a question or comments on our conversations. It's like we are talking but not really. I am polite and will answer back any questions but it feels pretty weird. Its as if we are talking by proxy.
Should I stop answering her questions? Should I continue just being polite but distant. Should I just mirror her mood and convos? Should I just start talking to her? Hmmmm.....
Keep doing what has been working, Heavy. Stay the course by being polite and cordial. Do not try to drag it out or ask W questions. I think it is a positive that W is talking to you without spewing so it seems that FaceTime with the kiddos is a good, positive tool right there.
P.S. My hat's off to your son for surviving cancer. Wow. He is a little hero.
I have improved my cordial and politeness skills when I talk or interact with her. I don't ask asny questions just answer questions she may have or will chuckle if her comment is funny. I have Sandi's 37 bullet points taped to my wall.
One thing I have learned is that when she spews or makes a mean comment, I ignore it, try not to take it personally and say something nice on top of it. It's like I bury the negativity with positivity. I have noticed when I do that, it gets good results and stops anymore negative talk.
No word from Lawyers, court, anything, that front is completely dark.
I really think you've got the hang of this...sometimes it takes a while for a DBer to get it.
Stay the course.
As for the Ls, yep...I am seeing that it is being dragged out. That's good for you...because if W really wanted to move things along NOW, she would have done something already.
Inaction is also action. This is something that newbies really do not fully grasp as a part of the DB arsenal.
This is something that newbies really do not fully grasp as a part of the DB arsenal.