Luke, when I was going through all of this, I got to my xh's affair up close as he stayed in the house almost 2 years after bomb date.
He had gained a lot of weight over the years. It never bothered me, I loved him as he was, though I worried about his health.
I watched him work so hard to lose that weight for her. I watched him buy all new clothes. He even started getting manicures, which was something he would laugh at in the past.
He would get all dressed up, then be in a frenzy to leave the house.
My W did very similar. Thing is she is VERY attractive, but honestly up until a few years ago she was modest, had no idea how gorgeous she was, could not understand it... then MLC hit and she became .... conceited... is probably the best way I could put it, totally into her looks, deep into the MLC and the A, she was wearing thongs ... now don't get me wrong I always thought .. hey you should .. but yeah .. did it for OM ... stuff like that stings, that I have let go of, I recall it after you described similar on how they change so drastically .. My W pretty shy and reserved dressed way more provocatively during the 'high tide' of MLC
He slept with her on our 25th wedding anniversary.
That all hurt a lot until it didnt. It was a long road to get to there. I am not going to lie.
Ugh ... ok that one is tough. I do not wanna go tit for tat, but ^^^^^ may have happened and I am actually grateful that I am not aware of it if it did.
But I began to see how sad it was...that he felt he needed to become someone so different than who he was in order to feel accepted. I couldnt imagine feeling like that.
He went against all he once believed in.
I used to imagine all these scenarios in my head of how the affair played out. Many of them were wrong. I have spoken to several people who have gone through MLC's. I asked them about their affairs.
They all told me that it wasnt the way people thought. How can it be, when they are in crisis, hurting their family, broken and often with people more broken than them?
My W ... what a few weeks ago when she was being transparent and open to talk about the A ... she said excatly that ... "It really was nothing like you must think, was not like we spent all this time together and did all these things" .... and there is some truth to that .. I know the demons and images in my head are 500lb monsters compared to the 3 lb Chihuahua that really represents the A ... hence why these are my issues I have to battle.
During the time, I really do not think she even meant to hurt me, S , the family ... was like she finally just said .. I am doing this for me, its what I need ... part of me in a really strange way was proud of her for going after what she thought she needed ... now the other 95% of me was crushed .. but that 5% was golf clapping I swear...lol
One of them told me that it was like he was looking down on his life and someone else was living it. He felt desperation to feel better. And the high from it wore off quickly but he felt as if he had no choice but to continue to try to find something to fill the void he felt. I can see that, and I think that W is still to close to that part, at the moment there seems to be more of a movement to just try and pretend it didn't happen, was a mistake, this is all Jedi mind reading of course at this point. I would like to think down the line she would be open to talk about how she felt, I know she has little to no recollection of some of the things she did and said that were very painful.
I thought about my xh's ow. I knew her. She was a mess and married, but, the truth is, she couldnt shine my shines. She wasnt worthy of my headspace.
My xh became someone he wasnt. Some of the things he said and did he honestly doesnt remember.
It really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how broken he was.
And in the end, the weight loss, the new clothes, the wining and dining and secret meetings...didnt fix him. Not by a long shot.
Over all this ... I think the fact I know little about OM, so again the unknown is harder to handle than the known because one tends to cast their of deep fears on them ... I know at one time the OM was all that and a bag of chips .. good enough to steal my W ... this was before I knew of MLC and accept that she 'affair downed' ... obviously he is a POS and a coward in my book, W mentioned that OM told his W that he had actually met me, W informed OMW that he in fact never has, in her words "There would have been visible evidence of that I assure you" .... not to say I would have done anything but depending on the mood I was in early on (Before here) I very well might have helped him to his car .... yanno cuz I am a gentleman that way. (That visual made me laugh)
He knows he lost someone who had his back and loved him unconditionally. How sad for him.
I no longer hurt from the affair. As I said, she matters not because I know my worth.
What happened between them isn't what you imagine in your head. Trust me on that.
I think that is the tragedy of all this ... regardless my, your, anyone's sitch. I think its one thing that .. ok .. "We are not working out, I am not happy lets work on this .... ok we tried time to call it a day and D" But to know there are couples out there, one is a ticking time bomb with a shelf life, the other just happens to be walking around without a vest .. kablewy ... we have a MLCr and a LBS scattered with shrapnel all over the place ... the MLC'r can not even realize they have a true caring and loving person right there who they for all intensive purposes loose, yeah their lose but tragic none the less, neither will be the same ... you can argue that is a good thing to a point, but you know what I mean.
I realize that the things in my head are not what happened, and I really would love for the things in my head to take a trip with the A that is over ... but they are souvenirs, not ones I want .. ones I have to figure out where to put. I know I have to let them, the hurt, the pain go ... not for her, for me ...talking things out here, helps because there is no where I can share these things ... no one else gets it ... hence why this forum is amazing, and even more so the people who have stayed behind after all their own hurt ... to help those of us in the middle of it are more amazing. I would be in a tough spot without you all
One day .. drinks on me ... then we can call a cab and stagger into Home Depot so you can smack me with some real 2x4's
Since my 2 x 4s are usually fur lined, the offer to wield some real lumber kinda makes me smile...mainly because I love home depot.
Reminds me ...
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough ti think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 yr old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. Its impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they get in to the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you,while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, and again on the 17th, 20th, 24th &29th. Also January 1st & 4th. Twice on the 8th, again on the 16th, and 20th, two times yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. P.S. Wal* Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99.
I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, and again on the 17th, 20th, 24th &29th. Also January 1st & 4th. Twice on the 8th, again on the 16th, and 20th, two times yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
What?! You're saying that you've fallen for this same ol' scam 17 times and you haven't learned a DANG thing??!!
Why don't you break out the Boundaries Cheat Sheet and use them on those not-so-sweet-things??!
Oh right...I have the perfect one:
"Not interested. Move along." in your best Walter Matthau crumudgeon-voice
Definition of insanity at...its FINEST.
