Rd Moving on 6

[jim0987]

Hi RD,

Thank you for answering the questions. I'm going to carry on a little further if you dont mind.

I like the sound of your L/C by the way - if only because i know my own insecurities have dominated too much of my thinking and have caused too many problems in my life. My XW lays all of the problems in our M at the door of my insecurities.

OK so I started trying to type this post a while ago and its been rattling around as i'm having difficulty finding the right words to explain what i mean, so im just going to go for it and hope it makes sense.

When you look at your pros and cons list or anything else, you are taking a series of bits of information and forming a narrative - the tone of the narrative and the place it leads can vary significantly based on how you choose to interpret the bits of information, which bits you emphasise and how you mentally fill in the gaps.

By way of example and i think this is quite well known but there is a plot synopsis for Finding Nemo (an excellent film) which says something like

A serial killer murders a mans wife and family, only one of his children survives the attack but is left disabled. On the child's first day of school he is kidnapped and the father must pursue the kidnapper to rescue his son with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

now in this terms its a pretty bleak movie but its really not and my kids love it. But hopefully you can see how we described a situation greatly affects the conclusions we draw about it.

So can you relook at your Pros list and put a narrative against that says your W is telling the truth? what does that look like?

i'm just going to continue on a hypothetical line for a moment(and i really hope im not causing any offence or overstepping here).

Lets say your everything your W has said is 100% true and that she is lost and she feels lonely and that she is just desperatelty clinging on to whatever feels like it might give her some stability. What if i could somehow prove that there was nothing more to her relationship with OM other than he gave her somewhere to stay and they have become slightly dependent on each other in the way two people with similar issues can but there is nothing romantic at all? would that change how you feel? How would that change what you do?

i know im prying and but i worry that RD is feeling down and has fears that may not be founded and are more to do with RD's 'program' as your L/C would call it. and that this is causing you to suffer more than you need to and is holding you back from being the kind bright and positive beacon that helps your W find her way out of the fog.

I dont know, i might be way off, but i would hate for you suffer any more than you have especially if the reality of what is hurting you isnt as bad as you think.

But even if it is all as bad as you think, can you see how lost she is and forgive her for how her choices have hurt you and your family?

You're a good man and a good father and its good to concentrate on the good things in your life

Take care of yourself RD